How To Survive Holiday Food (and Beverage) Pushers

Understand why people push food, and use strategies to survive the holidays!

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Key points

• Offering foods and beverages may be it's own love language.
• Understanding the motivation behind the food and beverage pushing can help you discern the right response.
• Assertion can be done directly, indirectly, and nonverbally.
• Preparing and practicing your coping responses ahead of time can help.

It's the holiday season.

You've been doing great with your health goals, abstaining from alcohol and junk food.

You've felt a sense of deep accomplishment, and you don't want the holidays to get you off your game.

But here they come! The people in your life who think that sharing is caring.

They offer food and drink; sometimes they even push it on you!

Nicknamed "pushers" or "food pushers" by those who face such challenges, many feel uncomfortable saying no to them.

Why do some people push food or beverages on others? And how can you hold a firm boundary when it is tempting to say yes to their offer?

Another love language?

Seen as a sign of hospitality and generosity, almost every culture and subgroup has some use of food as a symbol of love and inclusion.

• Families may use generational recipes for food or beverages, which become paired with familial events or celebrations.
• Religious food/beverage customs can include rites of passage, as well as rituals imbued with symbolic meanings or generational traditions.
• Food is also tied with neighborly comfort in many traditions, being brought to the homes of those who are ill, grieving, or facing a difficult life event.

Some food and beverage pushers are doing so as an expression of love, an invitation to belong, or a gesture of compassion.

What can you say in such a circumstance?

The direct approach includes 4 steps:

(1) Acknowledge the loving intention.

(2) Express gratitude for the benevolence in the intention.

(3) Explain your prioritized goal.

(4) Invite a redirection of the loving intention toward something that truly supports you.

An example of the direct approach

(1) "How loving of you."

(2) "I appreciate how thoughtful you are about making sure I'm included."

(3) "I'm abstaining from (specific food/alcohol) right now in order to reach my health goals."

(4) "Can we talk about something else instead?"

Nonverbal cuing can also help you

• Raise your hand to use the stop gesture. Stop is a nonverbal cue that can signal the pusher to stop the behavior. It can also signal you to stand in your power.
• Look away. Visually redirect your focus to help both of you disengage from the stimulus.

Need something more delicate? Try the indirect approach

Politely decline, distract, or leave.

• A reply such as, "No thank you," or, "Not right now, maybe later," followed by, "What are you up to these days?" can help you to redirect the conversation.

• If needed, find a reason to exit the conversation such as needing to answer a phone call.

Other reasons for food or beverage pushing?

Such behavior isn't always a sign of love. It could be a sign of a deeper need in the food or beverage pusher.

They may want to justify their own over-indulgence, regardless of the reason (celebration, stress, group gatherings, etc.).

Or they may want to seek your validation or approval.

Remember: You are not obligated to provide justification or validation to the pusher. It is okay for you to say no.

Punishing and pushing

Sometimes you might fear some of the punishing behavior that follows saying “no.”

Social shaming can occur when you are scolded for not indulging as the offering person prefers for you to do.

• Expressions such as "teetotaller" or "buzz kill" are examples of labels used to socially shame you into engaging in drinking when you don't want to, for example.

Gaslighting can occur when the pusher accuses you of reacting unfairly.

• This can feel crazy making! Take a breath and determine if now is a good time to exit the conversation.

What leads us to cave in?

Factors such as being caught off guard and sleep deprivation can make you more susceptible to indulging under pressure.¹

Being unprepared for the challenge can also lead to susceptibility.

The pull can be strong to conform, especially if your desire for belonging is heightened by social isolation and a desire to avoid conflict or even shunning.

Preparation is key

Sometimes, anticipating the worst case scenario and recognizing solutions can help you plan, according to Susan Peirce Thompson, Ph.D., an expert in the psychology of eating.²

Can this make me stronger?

Studies in positive psychology show that we can get stronger if we’re prepared to do so. We can learn to develop resilience and grit.

If you know you might be pulled to indulge, consider using this pull as an invitation to grow.

Remind yourself that:

(1) Social pressuring is not supportive of your goal.

(2) True friends will support your health.

(3) You might benefit from expanding your friend circle.

If you have social anxiety, get support.

There is a high correlation between alcohol use and social anxiety, and addressing this can help.³ Addressing the reasons why you eat or drink to cope is key. ⁴

• Develop your assertiveness muscle. Sometimes cognitive behavioral therapy for improving assertiveness and social skills can help you gain more social practice and develop confidence.

• Use a new response. Eating food through the holiday is also a socially conditioned response. A conditioned response is learned, so if you want to improve your chances, it is important to practice new/different responses ahead of events.

• Reduce the potency of such temptation by ensuring your belly is filled before you walk into the room, asking for what you need ahead of the event, and having a back up plan for exiting the event in case it is proving too difficult.

Remember the rewards! Surviving the holiday can feel great!

You made it through the holiday with a solid plan of action and support! You abstained from eating and drinking that which no longer serves you.

You look in the mirror, and you notice that you are standing a little taller and carrying yourself with more confidence.

You feel good, proud of yourself, and accomplished.

You've learned to say no your own way, and you are learning new ways to connect with others and celebrate.

All of this has not only helped you reach your goals, it has helped you develop skills that can last through other times in the year.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.