Is It Safe to Hold Hands in Public? Not for LGBT+ Couples

For LGBT+ folks, public displays of affection risk harassment and violence.

Reviewed by Davia Sills

Key points

• When heterosexual couples hold hands in public, no one bats an eye.
• LGBT+ couples who engage in PDA often risk derision, name-calling, and assault.
• Pride Parades provide a rare, safe outdoor space to express LGBT+ love.

When heterosexual couples hold hands in public, onlookers might think: That’s so sweet. They’re in love. But when the couple is LGBT+, kissing on the street, hand-holding, and other public displays of affection (PDAs) risk derision, name-calling, and assault.

In recent years, the LGBT+ population has become more visible, more fully integrated into Western cultures, more likely to marry same-gender partners, and more culturally and politically assertive—We’re queer. We’re here. Deal with it. But for LGBT+ couples, the innocent gesture of public hand-holding remains anxiety-provoking and physically risky.

That’s what English researchers found in recent interviews with a sample of LGBT+ individuals. Straight couples take public hand-holding for granted, but LGBT+ couples must navigate a complex web of decision-making before they clasp hands openly. In a 2017 survey of more than 108,000 British LGBT+ folks, two-thirds said they never hold hands with their partners in public. There’s no reason to believe things are much different in the U.S.

More Legal Protections, But More Risks

In the U.S. and UK, the LGBT+ population enjoys more legal protections than ever before. But ironically, since 1990, anti-LGBT+ hate crimes have increased by more than 30 percent, likely provoked by the increasing visibility of the LGBT+ community. Psychologists argue that constant threats of harassment and assault are one reason why LGBT+ people report an unusually high prevalence of psychological distress and experience a disproportionate risk of anxiety, depression, suicidality, and substance abuse.

LGBT+ folks who identify as men are at especially high risk of assault. Psychologists and criminologists agree that this reflects vigilante “gender policing” by heterosexual men who believe that LGBT+ men’s very existence threatens their manhood.

The Study

In 2019, a young-adult lesbian couple dared to express their mutual affection on a London bus. A gang of boys harassed them and then attacked them, leaving them traumatized, injured, and covered in blood. Photos of the bloodied couple ricocheted around social media worldwide. The attack was noteworthy for its savagery—but it came as no surprise to those who identify as LGBT+.

After this attack, researchers at the University of Exeter in Colchester, UK, asked 27 LGBT+ individuals how they deal with PDAs. Participants were aged 26 to 59, with 11 lesbians, 13 gay men, and three non-binary.

Several Coping Strategies

Most LGBT+ folks embrace four strategies regarding PDAs:

1. Safe vs. Unsafe Places: Study participants were exquisitely aware of the difference between places where it’s safe to show affection (their homes, friends’ homes, Pride Parades) and where it’s unsafe (most public spaces most of the time). As one explained: “Out in the world, I don’t feel safe showing affection. But as soon as we jump into the car and close the doors, it’s like, oooh, we can be affectionate because no one is looking.”

“At home, while talking with each other, my wife and I often hold hands. It’s safe at home. But when we go out, especially to new places, I’m always anxious, always mentally prepared for confrontation.”

2. Vigilance: LGBT+ people develop a keen eye for public situations that might pose threats. “When I’m affectionate with my partner in public, I’m always on alert, hyper-vigilant, wondering while holding hands: What if someone comes up behind us and I don’t see them? That becomes a barrier to enjoying the moment.”

“When I hold my husband’s hand in populated spaces, I feel hyper-aware that someone might notice. I’m particularly aware of groups of young men. We generally don’t hold hands in public, which fills me with sadness.”

3. Inhibitions: Discretion is the rule. “We always hide it. One time, we were at a subway station, and my partner was behind me. I put my hand by his side, and he held it. We were hidden, not open. It’s not that we’re necessarily afraid or ashamed. It’s just that we don’t want any hassle.”

Another explained, “When my partner returns from business travels, I pick him up, and it’s natural to want to kiss and hug. I want to, but I don’t. I always wait until we get into the car. I’m guarded.”

“We were at the funeral for my partner’s father. I just didn’t feel able to hold his hand for fear of offending others or attracting unwanted attention. During the ceremony, I touched his hand very briefly, but that was all.”

“It’s like I wear armor. Emotionally, I want to express affection in public, but I keep it private. It’s like a prison.”

4. Negotiations: Many LGBT+ couples disagree about how much to display affection in public. One feels more comfortable than the other. That person reaches out to hold hands, and then the more inhibited partner doesn’t clasp it or pushes it away. As one explained, “I was walking with my girlfriend, and some people yelled at us, ‘Dykes!” I wanted to drop her hand. But my partner didn’t let go.”

Study participants also expressed surprise and relief when no one challenged their PDAs. “For a change, we walked our dog in a new area and held hands despite the possibility of confrontation. No one batted an eye.”

“Sometimes, in fact, often, people perceive our hand-holding positively. We have been smiled at by other same-gender couples, as well as by children and teens. I return those smiles. Growing up, I had no gay role models. So, it’s important to me to be visible, to be the person I needed to see when I was younger.”

Annual Pride Parades: Much More Than Just Parades

LGBT+ people spend their lives making complicated, anxiety-provoking decisions in hopes of avoiding homophobia and transphobia. Today that makes hand-holding decisions political, and doing it a declaration of LGBT+ pride.

Consequently, the world’s hundreds of annual Pride parades often feel like more than just celebrations of LGBT+ dignity and community. Pride parades also provide the LGBT+ population with rare, safe outdoor spaces where they feel free to express affection in public.

The next time you see LGBT+ couples holding hands, support them. Smile or nod. Or say something like: You’re beautiful. Love is beautiful.

Everyone should be able to hold hands in public without fear of harassment or violence.