Want Better Communication? Stop Bulldozing & People-Pleasing

Three questions to clarify your goals, keep self-respect, and stay connected.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Mindful communication starts with clarifying what matters most in the moment.
• “How do I want to feel about myself?” This question protects your integrity during tough interactions.
• Strong communication balances objective outcomes with empathy and self-respect.

Do you jump into conversations or conflicts without thinking through your priorities? There is a special kind of mindfulness in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy designed to help individuals manage intense emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and develop healthier that solves this problem. Most of us don't consider whether our relationship, values, or objectives are the most important to us when we start a conversation. And even if we do, our priorities can get lost when emotions run high. Yet, in every exchange with another person, these three factors are always at play: objective, relationship, and self-respect.

The DBT skill of clarifying priorities is about learning to navigate these three elements mindfully. Take a moment to reflect on your interactions with others.

Do you focus on getting what you want no matter what? That's a sign you may be objective-focused.

Or do you often feel the need to prove you're right? That's an indication of being self-respect-oriented.

Perhaps you're constantly anxious for others to like you? This is typical for people-pleasers who prioritize relationships above all else.

The core of this skill lies in breaking free from default behaviors and becoming intentional about what truly matters in a specific interaction. It starts by asking yourself three questions:

1. (Objective) What do I want from this interaction?
2. (Relationship) How do I want the other person to feel about me when this is over?
3. (Self-Respect) How do I want to feel about myself when this is over?

Understanding the Three Priorities

Every interaction involves balancing these three elements:

• Objective: The tangible outcome you want, such as solving a conflict or getting help. Staying focused on your objective can keep emotions from derailing you.
• Relationship: Ensuring the other person feels respected and valued during the interaction. This is especially important in long-term relationships, like your partner, family members, or boss.
• Self-Respect: Acting in a way that aligns with your values and allows you to feel good about yourself afterward, even if it's difficult in the moment.

Each of us tends to lean toward one of these priorities in communication, which shapes our default style. Recognizing your tendencies can help you understand your strengths and identify areas for growth.

Discover Your Communication Style

Take a moment to reflect on how you typically navigate conversations. Which of the following descriptions feels most like you?

1. Relationship-Oriented

What's most important to you? Are you trying to keep everyone else happy? Wanting to keep the peace and make sure everyone feels heard? If those are your priorities, you're probably relationship-oriented. You like to focus on preserving connections and ensuring that no one is upset or unhappy.

• Strengths: You're empathetic and skilled at nurturing relationships.
• Challenges: You may struggle to assert your needs or set boundaries, sometimes sacrificing your well-being to keep the peace. This can lead to people-pleasing.

What to try: Practice advocating for your needs, even in small ways, to build a healthier balance between connection and self-respect. (We have lots of skills for this in DBT.)

1. Self-Respect-Oriented

Do you tend to lecture other people when you think they aren't acting right? Prioritize standing up for yourself and speaking your truth? Are you rigid about staying true to your values even when it creates tension? If so, you may be self-respect-oriented.

• Strengths: You're confident, authentic, and not afraid to take a stand.
• Challenges: You may come across as rigid or disconnected from others' feelings, and your tendency to lecture can strain relationships. Be very careful about confusing righteousness with self-respect. That's an easy trap for self-respect-oriented people.

What to try: Stop yourself from lecturing (no, really). This won't be easy, but you will see profound changes if you can do it. Your most important challenge is to really understand the other person's perspective and experience, without judgment.

1. Objective-Oriented

If your focus is often on achieving specific outcomes, resolving issues quickly, or finding the most efficient solution, you may be objective-oriented.

• Strengths: You're practical, solution-focused, and good at achieving results.
• Challenges: You might tend to bulldoze other people to get your way. Or you may be very well-intentioned but a bit too blunt. This can damage your relationships.

What to try: Take time to acknowledge others' emotions and perspectives to strengthen relationships while pursuing your goals.

Mindfully Balancing Priorities

By understanding your primary orientation—whether relationship, self-respect, or objective—you can watch out for old patterns and become much more intentional in your approach. Each interaction will have different priorities, and with practice, you can respond thoughtfully rather than relying on default behaviors.

The next time you're navigating a tricky situation, ask yourself these three questions:

• What's most important right now: my goal (objective), my connection (relationship), or my values (self-respect)?
• Should I be paying attention to one priority that could improve the outcome?
• How can I stay mindful of my top priority and take care of the other two as well?

Being mindful of your priorities in any interpersonal situation will help you take care of your relationships, get what you want (more often), and keep your self-respect intact.

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