The Pain of the Outcast

Being a family outcast causes pain and grief, yet there is hope.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Being an outcast in one's family comes with tremendous pain and grief.
• When a family member becomes an outcast, the family has chosen to prioritise the system over the individual.
• Psychotherapy is helpful in finding authenticity and constructing a "family of choice."

You might have heard the term “the black sheep,” commonly assigned to a family member who stands out or differs significantly from the rest of the family. The term has been debated to be inappropriate as it is inherently racist. A better synonym may be “outcast.” Although the term can also be used in the context of work colleagues or peer groups, I will focus on family "outcasts" in this post.

The role of the outcast is assigned verbally and overtly, or nonverbally and covertly, depending on the family. However it's assigned, it means that the person who is the outcast feels rejected by the rest of the family. Depending on the family's definition of what is “normal,” the qualities of the outcast can vary. For families whose rules are very stringent, it might not take much to become an outcast. For example, wearing red lipstick might be considered to be a serious deviation from what is expected in a woman's family and therefore she may become an outcast. For some, having a strong opinion or being passionate about a subject that is considered undesirable by the family can cause that person to be cast out. The outcast is not necessarily a bad person, but may simply be unconventional or unwilling to follow some cultural, religious, or moral norms or traditions imposed by their family. It is more common for an LGBTQ+ person to become an outcast for allegedly bringing shame to a family, or someone with mental health difficulties for bringing embarrassment to a family, or someone neurodiverse for thinking or feeling differently and therefore being considered “weird.”

When someone reveals that they are an outcast in their family, people tend to be uncomfortable discussing it, so the conversation is avoided or quickly shut down. As a result, not only is the outcast not accepted by their family, but their painful story is seldom heard.

What Causes a Family to Reject Its Own?

When a family casts someone out, they often do so to protect the family system so it does not need to change. It means that the family prioritises its system over the outcast family member they’re supposed to love. Indeed, if someone is different from the rest of the family, it may provoke others to question the system—to rethink religious beliefs, challenge patriarchy in the system, or argue with the authoritarian figure of the family. The family system may be confronted with what is usually considered “right” or “wrong” in the family, or forced to consider some values.

When a family system needs to be reviewed or questioned, it requires the members of that family to self-reflect and sometimes do a bit of soul-searching. It can be hard work, so it makes sense that family members may prefer to take the easier solution, which is to not engage in self-reflection but instead point the finger at the person who is different, attempting to shame and blame them so they stay quiet or invisible as part of the system.

The Pain of the Outcast

However, prioritising a system over accepting and loving an individual family member means that this individual will suffer tremendous hurt. Sometimes, the wound is so large that it causes long-term psychological disturbances.

The term “family” is usually associated with unconditional love (especially from parents), a safe place, a home, and a refuge. Sadly, many families do not provide this sense of safety. In fact, some families can be the worst environment for well-being. Common examples of the outcast include:

1. Someone coming out as LGBTQ+. Their parents do not accept their sexual orientations. The rejection can be covert. For example, the parents may seem to accept their child’s coming out, but they behave differently after it. Or rejection can be overt, such as when parents become aggressive and ask their child to hide their orientation because they believe it is shameful.
2. Someone who is caught watching pornography. In some highly religious families, watching pornography—or masturbating—is a sin. This private affair may be revealed to other family members, and that person will need to sufficiently “repent” to be forgiven. That person's reputation may be tarnished forever, and they are never fully trusted to be a “good person” again.
3. A woman who wears revealing clothes in a family that does not support wearing such garments. The outcast person may be called a “slut” or any variation of that insult. This woman may sometimes be subject to serious aggression from members of her family.
4. Someone who is neurodivergent may be called “stupid” or any variation of that insult for not understanding things in the way they’re explained, or not picking up social cues that others pick up. They can be overtly mocked as well; sometimes, jokes about them become the family’s favourite jokes at dinner parties.
5. Someone who decides to study or enter a profession that is considered a breach of the family's values. For example, deciding to pursue an artistic career in a family where high levels of qualifications and financially secure positions are the norms.
6. Someone who is dating a person that the family deems to be inappropriate. For example, dating someone of a different religion or cultural background.

These are just a few examples of how people become outcasts. There are multiple wounds and grief that come from being an outcast. The pain of not receiving unconditional love from their parents comes with the grief that they did not experience—and may never experience—this kind of love. They can experience the sadness of coming to terms with the fact that their own parents will never get to know them as they truly are. Not being “known” and not being “seen” by their own parents, the very people whose main relational position is to do so, is a wound that runs deep. It can create long-lasting psychological disturbances, such as core beliefs of being “unloveable,” “unwanted,” and “worthless.” These core beliefs have major consequences in people’s lives, including depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol and drug misuse, eating disorders, and sexual and relational problems, to name only a few. Not being “known” by parents and the grief of receiving only conditional love from them (or no love at all) is an ongoing grief that many people have to learn to live with rather than resolve.

Victims of Gaslighting

Another wound often experienced by outcasts is becoming the victim of gaslighting by their families. If a family doesn’t want their system to be changed, they may resort to gaslighting to manipulate the outcast into submission. Gaslighting refers to the manipulation of reality to make someone feel they are going crazy. Often, the outcast may be told stories with common themes:

• “We do not need to change; you are the one who is too sensitive.”
• “Only you would think/feel this way. Other people don’t think/feel like you.”
• “If you continue as you are, people will not like you. You are pushing people away.”
• “You’re to blame if you’re unhappy. You brought this on yourself.”
• “You chose to be gay/gender-nonconforming to upset your parents/family/religious community.”
• “Stop being upset. You’re an attention seeker.”
• “Stay in your lane. You won’t amount to anything. You’re not that smart.”
• “Why do you want to be different? You’re betraying your family/parents/religious community.”

The Grief of Letting Go

The greatest pain and grief of the outcast person is to learn to let go of the hope that their parents will get to know them properly or offer unconditional love. Some parents can change; others never do. It takes a while for people to get to know themselves after years of being an outcast and the victim of gaslighting. It takes courage to change all the negative core beliefs that people learned about themselves as a result of being an outcast. It requires enduring much pain to face the tremendous shame that comes with this kind of traumatic relational experience. The good news is that psychotherapy can help people unpack all those narratives. Through psychotherapy, people can find their authentic self, unshackling themselves from all the societal and familial messages of who they “should” be. When it comes to family, there is much joy in finding a “family of choice,” a truly loving space, made of close friendships and intimate connections.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.