Intimate Partner Violence in Therapy

Therapy should identify coercive control.

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Vera and Shaun came into therapy to work on "communication issues." Over time, the therapist began to detect that there was abuse taking place. Although the couple denied any history of physical and emotional abuse in their intake, it became apparent that Vera was displaying difficult and even harmful behaviors in the relationship. She would shut down easily, stonewalling Shaun's attempts to communicate in the sessions.

One day, Vera lashed into a slew of verbal attacks at Shaun, shocking the therapist into silence. Shaun became so upset that they got up and left the room. The therapist never heard from Shaun again, but received several emails and phone calls from Vera, in her attempt to triangulate the therapist against Shaun. "They have an issue, and I am sure you saw it," one email began. "I wanted to talk to you about your opinion about how Shaun acted last week," began another.

As Shaun refused to return for therapy, the therapist was forced to discontinue treatment. However, she worried about where she went wrong, and what she might have missed, and called me for a consultation soon after this event.

Difficulty in recognizing coercive control

Intimate partner violence and abuse encompasses a range of behaviors where one partner exerts power and control over the other. However, although it is changing, previous assessments often focused on physical violence, ignoring patterns of emotional manipulation or other methods of coercive control. Intimate partner violence is characterized by a pattern of behaviors that cause fear and control; it does not need to include physical violence.

As a queer couple, Vera and Shaun were likely to fly under the radar with partner violence assessments. Research shows that despite having higher rates of partner violence, LGBTQ victims are often neglected, and thus undetected, in assessments.^1,2

This does not mean that the therapist necessarily did anything wrong in her assessment and treatment, as any one of us can miss signs of coercive control in relationships due to many abusers' ability to mask and put on the charm when others are present. As a survivor of partner violence, I had my own experiences of abuse minimized and dismissed by the couple's therapists. And, as a therapist who works with survivors, I worry that I have failed to notice coercive control in couples that I worked with in my early years of practice. Therefore, getting a consultation and exploring further is something we should practice regularly.

Many therapists will recommend against couples or family therapy if intimate partner violence is present^7,8. However, sometimes the difficulty can be in recognizing it, specifically in areas of coercive control, in couples who are already in therapy, such as in the above case vignette.

In such cases, power dynamics are often imbalanced, and the perpetrator may manipulate the therapy setting to further control or intimidate the victim. Additionally, joint therapy may not adequately address the underlying trauma or the need for individual safety planning, and it could inadvertently reinforce harmful behaviors. Specialized interventions, such as separate counseling or programs focused on anger management and abuse prevention, are typically recommended instead.

Challenges of couples counseling when coercive control is present

Couples counseling is often viewed as a valuable tool to help couples resolve conflicts and help improve communication in their relationships. However, if domestic abuse is present, couples counseling may sometimes reinforce patterns of coercive control:

1. It can reinforce a power imbalance: Domestic abuse thrives on power and control dynamics. Encouraging joint problem-solving and reconciliation in couples counseling may sometimes reinforce the survivor's dependency on the abusive partner, making it harder for them to consider or access resources for safety and support. For already vulnerable people, such as marginalized groups, those who are financially or physically dependent on their partners, or mothers with young children, these risks are even worse due to this existing power imbalance. Couples counseling requires both partners to participate actively, this can sometimes place the survivor at risk of retaliation outside the therapeutic setting.

An abusive partner may manipulate the process by shifting blame onto the survivor, perpetuating the cycle of abuse. It is for this reason that sometimes victims of partner violence are thought to be the abusive ones in the beginning, which can happen with law enforcement, judges, and even trained therapists.⁶

When Toni tried to get a protection from abuse order during her divorce, her ex-wife's lawyer claimed that she was the abusive one and that she was "only doing this to keep the kids away" from her. The judge did not know who to believe due to Toni not having physical "proof" of abuse and dismissed her attempts at a protection order, instead calling it a "high conflict" divorce.

2. It can risk normalization of abusive behaviors: Counseling may sometimes normalize abusive behaviors by framing them as relationship issues that both partners contribute to equally. This can invalidate the survivor's experiences of abuse and diminish the responsibility of the abusive partner. Abusive partners may use couples counseling as a platform to manipulate the therapist and the survivor, portraying themselves as willing to change or dismissing the severity of their actions while continuing to exert control behind closed doors.

Couples counseling that fails to address power imbalances can perpetuate feelings of isolation and hopelessness in survivors.

Zanaya and her husband sought support from their church pastor, who reinforced messages of forgiveness. He asked her what she did to "contribute to" her husband's angry outbursts. He made Zanaya feel shame for asking for a divorce and refused to consider that she was a victim of domestic abuse.

Survivor-focused approaches can help instead

Individual and group therapy can sometimes help because they are centered on the individual's healing, rather than trying to keep the couple together. These methods are preferred because they allow survivors to explore their experiences in a safe and supportive environment. Individual and group therapy can help survivors who are starting the process of coming to terms with their abuse, and, when they are ready to do so, it can help them process their experiences and rebuild their lives healthily and safely.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.