3 Reasons Why You’re Settling for Less in Your Relationship

Are your expectations the source of your relationship struggles?

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Relationship problems often stem from the invisible “rules” we’ve created about what we deserve in love.
• Real intimacy requires friction—disagreements and discussions that help you grow together.
• Your past doesn’t have to dictate your future.

For years, Marisol believed her relationship with her boyfriend, Victor, would improve if he stopped working late every night. Victor thought Marisol would stop nagging him if he could find more energy after work. They both assumed the problem was the other person.

Sound familiar? Many couples fall into the trap of believing that their struggles stem from specific issues—a bad habit here, a personality flaw there. But often, the real problem lies deeper: in the invisible “rules” we’ve created about what we deserve in love.

Whether rooted in past relationships, childhood experiences, or cultural messages, these expectations can shape what we tolerate, demand, or even avoid in our romantic lives. So, how do you know if you’re settling, sabotaging, or simply surviving in your relationship? Let’s dig into three subtle ways you might be settling for less.

You Prioritize Peace Over Passion

After 10 years together, Ethan and Priya prided themselves on never fighting. But under the surface, both felt lonely. Ethan longed for Priya to be more affectionate, while Priya wished Ethan would open up emotionally.

A “conflict-free” relationship can feel safe, but it might also mean avoiding vulnerability. Real intimacy requires friction—disagreements and discussions that help you grow together.

Tip: If you’re avoiding conflict, ask yourself why. Start with small, honest conversations about things you wish were different, and build from there.

You’ve Mistaken Dependence for Devotion

Cora stayed with her fiancé, Damien, even though she felt unfulfilled. “At least he’s there for me,” she’d tell herself. But deep down, Cora knew their relationship was more about convenience than connection.

Dependability is essential in a relationship but shouldn’t replace emotional intimacy, shared goals, or mutual respect. If you’re staying because it’s easier than leaving, it’s time to reevaluate.

Tip: Reflect on what you truly want in a partner. Are you staying because of fear or genuine love?

You Downplay Your Needs to Keep the Peace

Nadia always let her husband, Amir, pick where they vacationed, what they ate, and even how they spent weekends. She told herself she didn’t mind, but resentment built over time.

Suppressing your needs to preserve harmony might seem noble, but it erodes the foundation of mutual respect. Relationships thrive when both partners feel heard and valued.

Tip: Practice asserting yourself in small ways. Start by voicing simple preferences, like choosing the movie for date night.

Now that we have examined what you may need to do in your best interests, let's discuss what you can do to improve your relationship.

How to Raise the Bar in Your Relationship

If these patterns sound familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples fall into them without realizing it. But the good news is that you can shift your mindset and relationship by taking a few intentional steps.

1. Rewrite Your Relationship Blueprint
Think about the messages you’ve absorbed about love. Were you taught that compromise means giving up what you want? That love is supposed to be hard? Challenge these beliefs. Your past doesn’t have to dictate your future.

2. Ask for What You Want, Even if It Feels Scary
Rosa wanted more quality time with her wife, Lena, but worried it would come across as “needy.” When she finally brought it up, Lena admitted she’d been feeling the same way.

Your partner isn’t a mind reader. Being clear about your needs gives your partner the chance to meet you halfway.

3. Relearn the Art of Appreciation
While asking for more is essential, noticing what’s already good is equally crucial. Acknowledge your partner’s efforts, even in small ways. Gratitude fuels connection.

4. Commit to Growth—Together
A great relationship isn’t about finding the perfect partner; it’s about becoming the best version of yourselves together. Set shared goals, support each other’s dreams, and challenge each other to grow.

Final Thoughts

Marisol and Victor eventually realized that their struggles weren’t about long work hours or nagging—they were about feeling unseen and unappreciated. Once they acknowledged the invisible rules they’d been living by, they rebuilt their relationship on a foundation of clarity, communication, and mutual effort.