Supporting Loved Ones Through Infertility

Compassionate ways to support, connect, and navigate their journey.

Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Key points

• Infertility is an invisible yet deeply felt journey.
• Words of empathy and acts of care—even just sitting with the person—mean more than trying to fix the problem.
• Avoid instincts like offering solutions or fertility advice.

Infertility is a journey that often unfolds in silence, its struggles invisible yet profoundly felt. It’s a path where dreams are nurtured in hope and sometimes shattered in solitude. For friends and family, the urge to help can feel overwhelming, driven by a deep desire to ease the pain of someone they love. But infertility doesn’t come with easy solutions, and words alone cannot mend its wounds. What you can offer, however, is something invaluable: compassionate presence. A willingness to sit beside them in their grief, offering empathy over answers, and understanding over platitudes. Here’s how.

Understanding the Emotional Terrain of Infertility

Infertility isn’t just a medical condition; it’s an emotional and physical rollercoaster that resists simple descriptions. Each treatment cycle brings a fragile hope, only to leave scars—visible or not—when it doesn’t succeed. The physical toll of procedures like IVF and the side effects of medication weigh heavily, both in discomfort and in the quiet desperation they carry.

Socially, infertility can widen the gap between friends and loved ones, particularly those with families. Layered onto this is the invisible grief: the loss of a future they once envisioned, the heartbreak of failed attempts, the emptiness of hearing that eggs are “poor quality,” or the devastation of genetic complications. These losses may not always be tangible, but they are deeply felt—and often misunderstood by the outside world.

The Instinct to Fix: Confronting the Need to Help

When someone we care about is in pain, our first instinct is to fix it. We want to offer solutions, cheer them up, or point out the silver linings. But infertility isn’t a problem to be solved by us.

The most meaningful thing you can do is set aside the impulse to fix and instead simply be present. Sit with them in their sadness. Create space for their grief. Listen when they need to talk and honor the silence. These small acts of understanding and support can speak louder than any solution.

Words That Heal: How to Offer Support

The words we choose can be like a balm, or they can unknowingly wound. Here are some ways to show your support with sensitivity and compassion.

1. “I know I can’t fix this, but I’m here to sit with you through it.”

Why it works: This acknowledges your desire to help while respecting the gravity of their pain. It’s a gentle way of saying, “I’m not here to fix you; I’m here to be with you.”

2. “I see that this is incredibly difficult, and I’m here whenever you need to talk or just need someone around.”

Why it works: Recognizing the challenge without minimizing it lets them feel seen. It shows them that they don’t have to be “okay” to receive your support.

3. “Would it be helpful if we did something together, even if it’s just sitting in silence?”

Why it works: Sometimes, companionship without conversation can mean the world. This offer, free from expectation, lets them decide what support looks like in the moment.

4. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I want to learn about it so I can understand.”

Why it works: A desire to learn more shows genuine empathy. It reflects your commitment to understanding, not through advice or opinions but by listening and valuing their experience.

5. “Thank you for trusting me with this, for sharing this part of your life with me.”

Why it works: When someone opens up about infertility, they’re choosing vulnerability. By honoring that trust, you validate their courage and show that they’re not alone in their pain.

Words to Avoid: What Not to Say

Even the most well-meaning words can sometimes miss the mark. Here are a few common phrases that, though intended to help, may unintentionally hurt.

1. “Everything happens for a reason.”

Why to avoid: This phrase, while intended to comfort, can feel dismissive. Infertility can seem random and cruel; implying that there’s a purpose may minimize their experience.

2. “Maybe if you try [insert advice here]…”

Why to avoid: Offering advice, even with good intentions, can imply that they haven’t tried hard enough. Infertility is often a journey of exhausting every possible avenue; advice can feel diminishing to their efforts. Chances are, they have already tried this.

3. “My friend went through the same thing, and they ended up with twins!”

Why to avoid: Comparisons, even positive ones, can feel invalidating. Their journey is unique, and success stories, however well-meant, may remind them of their own struggles.

4. “At least you have options like adoption.”

Why to avoid: Adoption is complex and deeply personal. Bringing it up might suggest they should simply “move on,” dismissing their current path and the grief they may feel over biological loss.

Going Beyond Words: Acts That Offer True Support

Sometimes, the most profound support is shown through action rather than words. Here are some ways you can help that speak louder than any phrase.

Be There Without an Agenda

Sometimes just showing up, even if it’s just to sit in silence, can be more powerful than anything you could say. It tells them they aren’t alone.

Help in Practical Ways

Offer tangible support—prepare a meal, help with errands, or offer to accompany them to appointments. These simple acts communicate, “I see your struggle, and I’m here in a real, practical way.”

Respect Their Privacy and Space

Allow them to set the pace for sharing. Infertility is deeply personal, and they may need time alone. Respecting their boundaries shows that you honor their process.

Educate Yourself About Infertility

Taking the time to learn about the physical and emotional toll of infertility can prevent unintentional missteps. This shows that you care enough to understand the reality of their experience.

Sharing in the Darkness: Embracing the Pain Together

Supporting someone through infertility is not easy. It is hard to stand steadily in the darkness, resisting the urge to impose. Mistakes may happen, and words may occasionally falter, but presence matters more than perfection. Showing up with love, even imperfectly, holds a profound impact. Your presence becomes a priceless reminder that no matter how long or difficult the journey, they are not alone. In their storm, you become a steady calm, offering a love that quietly says, “I’m here with you, every step of the way.”