How to Improve Communication With Your Co-Parent

For effective, calm communication with your co-parent, stop editorializing.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Improve your communication with your co-parent by getting rid of the editorializing.
• Avoid those comments that turn a compliment or statement into a criticism.
• Stick to the facts and resist the urge to "turn the knife."

If you are a co-parent you probably hate it when your co-parent editorializes. That means they express their opinion about something rather than just stating facts. Angry or resentful co-parents do that all the time, and then they wonder why their co-parent won’t return phone calls or texts. Let’s consider how editorializing impacts your ability to state your case—and feel heard.

When we editorialize, we may start out with a compliment, but then there’s that comment at the end that secures the last lick just to let them know, you know. You blame them for how you feel or what they made you do. But establishing blame or fault puts all of us on the defense and you don’t hear the good part of the sentence. Only the bad part will register.

This is about the time co-parents tell me that their communication is terrible. “We just can’t seem to get along.” But they have been blaming and faulting each other for years, editorializing when they make an observation, ask or volunteer for help, or compare notes about their children.

Here’s an example: “I really appreciate that Corrine is on time now.”

What do you suppose Corrine’s response will be? “What do you mean, now? I haven’t been late in months! You never appreciate anything I do.” She heard nothing about the fact that her co-parent appreciated that she was on time. The question here is, was she supposed to?

It’s human nature for negative impressions to linger. Say something positive with a negative qualifier and only the negative will be heard. I remember when I was in middle school and brought home a report card with five A’s and a B+. My parent’s response was, “A’s! That’s great! But, what about this B?” All I heard was their disapproval.

To stop editorializing, just state your case or observation without qualifying it in a negative way. Look out for “but,” “now,” “no longer,” or other words that reference a time frame. Just state the positive and don’t qualify it with a negative follow-up.

“I really appreciate that you are on time, Corinne,” would be the correct observation. Corrine, rather than being on the defense because of the “now” time qualifier, might simply respond, “Thank you!” Perhaps even adding, “I’m trying hard to cooperate." She might also add, “I’m glad you see I’m trying.” That would end the conversation on a positive note. However, if she wanted to perpetuate the editorializing, she might say, “I’m glad you finally see I’m trying.” There’s that time frame reference. Adding “finally” changed everything.

Ironically, some co-parents feel editorial comments are compliments. Some of the following comments acknowledge improvement but “turn the knife” at the same time. Then, when one parent calls out the other, the reply is, “What? I’m giving you a compliment! Obviously, I can’t talk to you!” You can talk to each other, but you both must stop editorializing if you want to be heard.

Case in point: “I want to acknowledge that Brian no longer badmouths me in front of our son. Now and then Easton comes home with stories of things his father has said, but it’s certainly not as bad as it used to be and so I just try to ignore it.”

There are so many red flags in those two sentences! What this co-parent is really trying to say is that she appreciates that her co-parent doesn’t make disparaging remarks about her in front of their child, but by adding the editorial comments, the references to time, such as "no longer,” or “now and then,” or “used to be,” she not-so-subtly attempts to gain the upper hand. All she had to say was something like, “I really appreciate that you don’t badmouth me in front of our child.”

Here’s one more example to help drive the concept home. “I was disappointed in Natalie’s reaction to my suggestion, but it was to be expected.”

Expressing disappointment can be a positive component of good communication. It offers your true feelings, and it’s important to be honest and transparent in your communication with your co-parent. However, “but it was to be expected” changed the entire feeling of the comment—it is no longer simply an expression of disappointment. What Natalie will walk away with is not that her co-parent was disappointed and perhaps she should examine her contribution to the chaos, but that her co-parent was snide and sarcastic—and she will have no desire to cooperate in the future.

Every conversation you have with your co-parent sets the stage for the next conversation. You anticipate the interaction, and if your last encounter was positive, you are more open to the next If you truly want to change the status quo and set a positive example, drop the negative editorials. Let the positive linger. Now you are laying the groundwork for ongoing support rather than ongoing scrutiny. Ongoing support is the essence of good co-parenting—always working together in the name of the children in your care.