Is Narcissism Really Just a Prison?

We may misunderstand the degree of choice involved in narcissism.

Reviewed by Devon Frye

Key points

• While narcissists can appear thoughtful, their decisions are often based on impulse.
• We erroneously perceive them as self-possessed.
• Narcissism is related to idealism, as narcissistic people try to merge high status and security.

The poorest individual is the one whose sense of poverty can't be swayed. Narcissism is, at its core, an inability to care for oneself, as being the best isn't necessarily what's best for oneself. The narcissistically inclined person is gripped by an emotional blindness, failing to register the effects of his decisions even on himself. Those who are obsessed with self-preservation tend to be liars, in an apparently inevitable way. When one value overrides all others, everything is justifiable in its service.

Most therapists who deal with narcissistically structured patients know the extent of the paradox of this ailment. Preoccupied with control and appearance, those obsessions guide almost every thought, action, and feeling.

We tend to think of narcissistic individuals as being self-possessed, confident, and able to move about in the world more freely than the average person. That, in part, is why they're often so despised. Unlike obsessive-compulsive disorder or borderline personality disorder, where it may appear as though the person lacks control over their behavior, the narcissistic projection of dominance creates the illusion of deliberation. Yet the ailment, marked by extreme impulsivity, is far from anything that we may conceive of as rational.

As the borderline individual craves comfort, the narcissistic one craves admiration. The narcissist's frenzy belies a deep insecurity. While they may believe they're perfect, a delusion held up by their phenomenal ability to deceive themself, they must chronically tend to their mental cracks, furiously sealing them to prevent a flood. To an individual who wishes to believe they're perfect, no type or amount of earthly rewards would suffice.

Our minds can at once sustain and break the mirages of our self-conceptions. And the narcissistically structured individual fails to account for that: If your mind doesn't need reality to make sense of who you are or what your value is, it also won't need it to tear you down.

Since, naturally, most of us have a strong negative bias, skewed toward survival, which reminds us of all of the things we should be worried about when we aren't, the narcissistic individual, who treats the loss of status as akin to a loss of life, remains, regardless of their efforts, chronically plagued by their own mind. While most of us most of the time wouldn't be in mortal danger by losing our reputation, the narcissist believes they are. The individual here searches in vain for a utopia, for that one undeniable accomplishment that merges status and security.

Thus, the narcissist more often finds themself in a barren land, with achievements that don't seem to matter, each of which time easily replaces with fear, entitlement, and profound emptiness. At once, the narcissistic void is filled and emptied, a leak that can’t seem to be located. The question perpetually remaining: Why doesn’t any of this work?

With respect to narcissistically structured people, psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams wrote, "Their need for others is deep, but their love for them is shallow." To the narcissist, love is the ultimate binder, understood to be so in the worst possible way, and he somehow comes to believe that he's free without it. Yet, in its absence, the narcissist becomes a full-time servant, catering to a mass that doesn't forgive nor forget. While love allows for exceptions, flowing from deep empathy and concern, approval is something else, highly conditional in its nature, granted for the sake of worship and removed for the sake of sadistic pleasure.

So, the narcissist spends most of their life playing a role, a part that they'll never get exactly right. To be narcissistically structured is to relentlessly question one's value, to wonder if one's partner is attractive enough, to doubt others' envy, and to wait for the other shoe to drop.

I argue that narcissism is the real open-air prison, despite the great deception. It's bereft of passion, as everything is merely a means to an end. It's bereft of dignity, as morals are mere obstacles to success. It's bereft of choice, as cravings override the possibility of careful thought. And it's bereft of love, which is mistrusted and misperceived.

While the mind of this individual dreams of utopia, it wouldn’t know what to do make of it if placed within its arms. Stability is both sought after and repelled, an endless dance which continues as the DJ hurriedly adds more music to his setlist. For the night must never come to an end. So, its melodies push back against the darkness.