3 Essential Truths About Sexual Desire from a Sex Therapist

There's a big difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

Key points

• Some people have spontaneous desire for sex and others have responsive desire.
• Desire discrepancies are inevitable in long-term relationships.
• You don't need to feel sexual desire in order to have sex.

Jane and Rick came to me after their sex life dwindled. They went from having sex several times a week at the beginning of their relationship to once a week for a while and, currently, once every few months at best.

Rick and Jane met when they were in their late 20s. Both were working at the time, and neither had children. After eight years of marriage and two kids, ages 2 and 4, their lives were very different. Jane was exhausted. She constantly made sure the kids had everything they needed. She got them clothes, made all their doctor’s appointments, registered them for activities and programs, signed them up for camp, interviewed babysitters, and researched any problems she encountered.

Rick was tired, too. He worked long hours and had a stressful job. He was also very involved with the kids. He always made dinner, did bath and bedtime, and took the lead with the kids on the weekends.

It was their first session, and Rick shared his perspective first.

“I love Jane. We have a great marriage,” he said as he looked to Jane for confirmation. Jane nodded.

“It’s just…she doesn’t make any effort anymore. She’s never in the mood when I initiate, and she hasn’t initiated in years.”

Jane, looking down at her feet, took a deep breath. She looked up at me with tears and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but he’s right; I’m never in the mood anymore. I don’t know why, but sex is the last thing on my mind.”

Jane felt broken. She didn’t know why she was never in the mood anymore. She was attracted to Rick, but when he initiated, she had no desire to have sex. Sometimes, she felt bad for disappointing Rick. Other times, she felt angry for feeling pressured, even though the pressure mostly came from herself.

Rick felt rejected and frustrated. He was certain Jane was no longer attracted to him, and he didn’t want to keep initiating just to get turned away.

Jane and Rick felt stuck and sad that they couldn’t figure this out. They feared their relationship wouldn’t survive.

Like many couples, Rick and Jane expected to have sex the same way they always did: One of them would initiate, and off they’d go. They spent years relying on that formula because it worked. When it stopped working, they got scared. They thought there was a big problem in their marriage. They didn’t know that changes in sexual desire and frequency are normal and inevitable in long-term relationships.

In our country, most people get little to no sex education. As a result, people aren’t equipped to navigate sex throughout a long-term relationship. However, it’s never too late to learn more about sex and sexual desire so you can navigate changes, differences, and obstacles that inevitably occur in long-term relationships.

Here are threeb essential truths about sexual desire that could save your relationship:

1. There are two ways people feel sexual desire. Some people have spontaneous desire, which is desire in anticipation of sex. Those who have spontaneous desire think about sex randomly and get turned on. Other people have responsive desire. They don’t think about sex unless it is in response to something sexual. Those with spontaneous desire want sex before they have it. Those with responsive desire want sex once they’ve begun getting into it. Both kinds of desire are normal and good, but most people learn only about spontaneous desire, which is most often portrayed on television and in movies.
2. All couples experience sexual desire discrepancies (or differences) at one point or another. It would be impossible to expect two people with two different lives, brains, and bodies to be in the mood at the same time, all of the time. Some couples are on the same page most of the time but go through periods when one person wants to have sex more frequently than the other. For example, there could be a season where one partner is feeling relaxed, low-stressed, and frequently in the mood but their partner is in a period of high stress and anxiety, with sex the last thing on their mind. They could be experiencing a temporary desire discrepancy; later, they might get back on the same page. There are also couples whose desire for sex is different all the time. For example, one partner might think about sex a lot (spontaneous desire), while the other partner doesn’t think about sex until they’re getting into it (responsive desire). The partner who thinks about it a lot will be in the mood more often than their partner. This isn’t a problem. Problems arise when couples don’t know that differences in desire are normal and don’t have the skills to navigate the differences.
3. You don’t need to wait to feel spontaneous sexual desire to have sex. It was once believed that you needed to feel spontaneous desire to have sex, followed by arousal, orgasm, and finally, resolution. We now know that many people need to feel arousal first before they feel desire, which is the case for those who have responsive desire. People can feel desire at any point during a sexual encounter. It can happen in anticipation of sex or after someone is aroused. Or, it can happen after they have an orgasm. This is why people often say they weren’t in the mood for sex at first but wound up being glad they engaged. If those who have responsive desire wait to feel desire before they have sex, they could be waiting forever; their bodies and brains work differently than those with spontaneous desire. Instead, they can cultivate desire by, for example, reading erotica, fantasizing, watching porn, or kissing and touching their partner.