The Effect of Parenthood on the Adult Personality

How does our reproductive story shape our identity and adapt through disruptions?

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• The reproductive story forms early, shaping one’s vision of parenthood and future identity development.
• Disruptions like infertility challenge the path, creating a crisis that demands resilience and flexibility.
• Adapting the story can lead to growth, with individuals redefining fulfillment beyond traditional parenthood.

Parenthood is often celebrated as a natural part of life, but it involves a profound psychological shift known as the third individuation phase. This phase reshapes identity, values, and self-perception beyond the physical act of becoming a parent (Colarusso, 1990). At its core lies the reproductive story—a personal narrative shaped by family, culture, and societal expectations that begins in childhood (Daniluk, 2001).

The Reproductive Story: A Personal Narrative From Childhood

Everyone has a reproductive story because it forms a core part of human identity. It may align with the traditional idea of having biological children or take alternative forms, like adoption, surrogacy, or even child-free living. Regardless of its form, this narrative becomes a foundation for the third individuation phase, where individuals either pursue or redefine these early visions (Daniluk, 2001).

The Third Individuation Phase: Parenthood as Identity Shift

This phase isn't just about taking on new responsibilities; it's about reshaping one's identity. Becoming a parent combines hopes and real-life experiences, pushing people to adjust their sense of self to include caring for another person’s growth and needs. How one views one's reproductive journey influences how they handle this change. However, when things don't go as planned, it can cause emotional struggles and force individuals to rethink their identity (Colarusso, 1990).

When the Reproductive Story Faces Challenges

When the envisioned path to parenthood seems unreachable, the gap between expectation and reality can feel overwhelming (Daniluk, 2001). Individuals may enter what’s known as the liminal space—a state where the old story idea or narrative no longer fits, but a new one has not yet formed. This hugely disorienting period forces people to confront their fears and expectations, often without the choice to avoid them (Becker, Butler, & Nachtigall, 2020). Infertility, miscarriage, or other obstacles can disrupt the reproductive story, leading to grief and loss, and cause individuals facing these challenges to feel as though their identity has been completely shaken. They enter the liminal space without any idea of how long they will remain there.

Navigating the Liminal Space: Turning Uncertainty Into Growth

Although challenging, this period of uncertainty is like the caterpillar entering its chrysalis—a necessary pause before transformation. It offers the opportunity for individuals to explore different paths to parenthood or find fulfillment outside traditional roles. Embracing this flexibility demands enormous self-compassion, as it requires significant psychological energy to make the shift. But just as the caterpillar eventually emerges as a butterfly, this time of crisis can evolve into a journey of growth and new beginnings.

Rewriting the Path: Embracing New Directions

When the journey to parenthood encounters obstacles, it can become a powerful opportunity for growth and resilience. Some may choose to explore alternative paths, such as fertility treatments, adoption, or surrogacy. Others might decide to live a child-free life, channeling their nurturing energy into careers, community service, or personal development. The goal is to integrate these new paths in a genuine way, allowing them to enrich life without becoming the sole definition of one’s identity.

This shift can be challenging, as it involves adapting perspectives and finding new sources of fulfillment. However, as individuals navigate these changes, they often discover that their identity can evolve and grow, much like a tree that bends with the wind but continues to stand strong. By reshaping their story, they reclaim control of their journey, emerging more resilient and self-assured. Reconstructing the path ahead is not about erasing past experiences but rather integrating disruptions into a meaningful and empowering story. This process aligns with the third individuation phase, where individuals redefine their sense of self (Colarusso, 1990).

Parenthood as an Evolving Journey: Redefining Self and Path

The third individuation phase is not a fixed destination but a dynamic and ever-changing process. Parenthood in all its forms—or even the choice to remain child-free—becomes a key part of this evolving journey. Embracing an open, adaptive approach invites individuals to redefine fulfillment beyond societal norms, exploring a wider spectrum of connections, experiences, and values. It is about understanding that identity is fluid and can grow in unexpected directions. The key lies in transcending limitations and creating an intentional, authentic life that honors both the past and future.