Compassion Is a Grounding Response to the Anger of Others

How to reduce anger contagion when facing others' anger.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Anger is a reaction to and distraction from suffering such as guilt, shame, fear, and powerlessness.
• If we do not accept our own pain, we're less likely to recognize it in others.
• Viewing others as children just doing their best is a way to reduce anger contagion.

Over the years, I’ve often been asked how, as a therapist who focuses on anger management, I’m able to listen to so many individuals voice so much anger. “Don’t you get tired of it?” “Don’t you want to just tell them to calm down or get over it!” “Does it make you angry?”

As a general guideline, I learned early in my own therapy to accept my anger—to view it as a natural emotion that is part of being human. And I learned to differentiate experiencing and sitting with it as an emotion from acting out my anger in the form of aggression. This differentiation is a major awareness for constructively managing it.

Additionally, another guideline I’ve learned is to remember that anger is in almost all cases a reaction to and distraction from even more uncomfortable emotions—such as forms of hurt, fear, grief, shame, powerlessness, or helplessness. When we’re angry, we focus our attention outward on the situation or toward individuals whom we believe to be the cause of such anger. By redirecting our attention outward, we are engaging in “emotional avoidance,” taking flight from the suffering behind our anger. When observing the anger of others, this awareness leads me to be empathic, with a capacity to attend not only to their anger but also to the pain behind their anger—the bigger picture of what is occurring.

With this in mind, I work with clients from my perspective that we are all children, doing our best to be an adult in this challenging life. There have been times when I visualize them as a child, not in a demeaning way, but to help me to not get hooked with the intensity of their emotions. I imagine them as children who are suffering and having a very difficult time. I’ve recommended this approach to my clients as a strategy to more effectively respond to, rather than react to, the anger of others.

The need for commitment to respond with compassion

Responding this way to others’ anger does not come naturally for many people. Specifically, being compassionate and the desire to be compassionate are influenced, like all aspects of personality, by both our nature and nurture.

As such, some may have little commitment to defusing their anger in this way, due to early hurts or trauma, poor models regarding how to respond to anger, and related negative attitudes toward compassion. Some individuals may have long ago renounced their own desire for compassion and, as such, may resent evoking it for others. They may also suppress their desire for compassion as they view it as a sign of weakness. Some are envious of others and resent being compassionate toward them when it was lacking in their lives. This is especially the case when there is a strong longing for it that is both repressed and/or ignored. And those who are prone to anger may themselves suppress the pain behind it—thus, making them less able to see past the anger of others.

Being human, we have the capacity for anger and compassion. Certainly, there are times when anger is called for, constructively managed in an effort to overcome injustice and to protect our lives and the lives of others.

Two wolves within us

Regardless of how compassionate we are, each of us has the capacity to make compassion a more significant part of our lives. As reflected by a legend attributed to indigenous American peoples, there is a battle between two wolves within us—one represents good, including love, peace, and compassion. The other represents evil—predominantly anger, fear, and selfishness. The story of the legend describes it as being passed down by an elder, who when asked which one wins, responds, “The one you feed.”

Which wolf we feed is driven with and without awareness, from our conscious as well as our unconscious minds. As such, if we wish to enhance our compassion, we need to consciously make a choice to do so. It calls for a commitment to do so, even when our habitual tendency might move us to focus on anger.

Making a commitment to respond to the anger of others with compassion

Just like learning any new habit, enhancing one’s capacity for compassion takes time, patience, and ongoing commitment. However, like any habit, it requires attention to thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations associated with developing such skills. It calls for being mindful to choosing to be compassionate, even when challenged by those blocks to compassion previously identified. The following anecdote offers an example of how we do this,

I grew up being judgmental, especially with myself. But this also spilled over into my attitudes toward others. Working on this has been an ongoing commitment throughout my life. When I’ve been especially stressed, this tendency may once again surface. Years ago, I observed this once again while visiting my parents in Florida. I was walking along a boardwalk when I noticed a man walking by me. I was in a negative mood for a variety of reasons—just feeling internally grumpy. This made me more “brittle” in my attitude toward this stranger.

As he came closer, I found myself being especially critical of a certain physical feature he possessed. Because I had already made a commitment to compassion, I quickly found myself saying, “Bernie—is that really necessary?” The tone of that self-talk was gentle rather than harsh. It served as a prompt to be more mindful of this tendency. This mindfulness helped and I continued my walk with greater calm.

Compassion is contagious

Just like anxiety or anger, compassion is contagious. When we are compassionate toward the anger of others, we become less prone to such contagion. It helps us to feel grounded regardless of what they are experiencing or expressing. And if we choose to engage them, our being grounded in the face of their anger can help move them to feel grounded—and even more able to acknowledge and reflect on the suffering behind their anger. Our self-compassion, including accepting our full humanity, in turn, may increase the likelihood of others’ self-compassion. And even when it doesn’t, making a commitment to look beyond their anger empowers us to have a greater choice in living a life consistent with our values.