8 Keys to Stronger Relationships With Your Adult Children

A new approach to parenting is needed when children become adults.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Our role is no longer to manage or direct but to mentor and accept them.
• It’s essential to respect their autonomy and boundaries.
• Taking responsibility for your shortcomings and mistakes can help heal and strengthen your relationship.

Building a strong relationship with your adult child requires intentional effort. Like any relationship, you can’t put it on autopilot and expect it to work. Nor can you continue to treat your adult child as you did when they were younger. As a parent of three young adult children, I understand how challenging it can be! In this article, I share seven practical ways to build a stronger, healthier relationship with your adult children.

1. Recognize Your Roles Have Changed

The dynamic between parent and child changes as your children become adults. What worked when they were younger—setting rules, correcting their behavior, and overseeing all their choices and activities—now needs to shift to a relationship based more on equality and respect. Our role is no longer to manage or direct but to mentor and accept them.

Recognizing this shift and allowing them to direct their own lives shows that you respect them. For example, instead of telling them what to do or criticizing their decision, consider saying, “I trust you’ve thought this through, and I’m proud of you for doing what feels right to you.” This acknowledges their ability to make their own choices and shows you respect their independence, even if the decision differs from what you would have chosen for them.

Better yet, treat your adult child as an equal—someone with valuable opinions, insights, and life experiences. This shift can be challenging, especially if you still see them as the little ones you raised, but embracing this new dynamic will make your child feel appreciated and competent, which will create a more fulfilling relationship.

2. Respect Your Child's Autonomy and Boundaries

As your children grow into adulthood, it’s essential to respect their autonomy and boundaries. This includes recognizing that they have the right to make their own decisions, set limits on how much they share, and choose how often they interact. For example, if your child doesn’t call or visit as often as you’d like, instead of taking it personally, accept that they may have other priorities and responsibilities. You might say, “I know you’re busy, but I’m here whenever you want to catch up.”

Additionally, it’s important to respect their beliefs and values, even if they differ from your own. You might express your openness by saying, “I respect your perspective, even if we see things differently.” This shows that you value their autonomy, time, and values while leaving the door open for connection.

3. Apologize and Take Ownership for Past Behavior

All parents make mistakes. Maybe you were overly critical, or perhaps you didn’t listen as much as you should have. Whatever the case, taking responsibility for your shortcomings and mistakes, whether they were recent or many years ago, can go a long way in healing and strengthening your relationship.

When you offer a genuine apology—without justifications or excuses—you show your child that you’re willing to learn and want to do better going forward. It opens the door for your child to feel heard and validated. Remember, apologizing and making amends can be a lengthy process if significant damage has been done to the relationship. Try to be patient, listen to your child’s concerns, and meet them where they’re at rather than forcing them to forgive you or move on.

4. Avoid Unsolicited Advice

It’s tempting to offer advice, especially when you see your children struggling or facing a problem that you’ve experienced. However, unsolicited advice can sometimes feel like criticism or a lack of trust in their abilities. Instead, trust that they will come to you if they want your input.

For example, if your child shares a challenge they’re facing, resist the urge to give immediate advice. Instead, ask, “Would you like my thoughts on this, or would you prefer to figure it out on your own?” This gives them control over the conversation and respects their independence and capabilities.

5. Allow Them to Make Mistakes

One of the hardest parts of parenting adult children is watching them make mistakes. On the other hand, mistakes can be important sources of learning and growth. Stepping back and letting them make their own decisions shows trust in their ability to manage their lives.

6. Address Problems and Resolve Disagreements Constructively

Good communication is the foundation of any strong relationship, and it becomes even more important when your children are adults. Disagreements are inevitable, but when they are handled with respect and kindness, the relationship can come out stronger.

For example, if you disagree with your adult child, try not to react defensively. Perhaps, say, “I’d like to understand your perspective better. Can we talk about it?” This approach shows that you value their input and don’t always have to be right.

7. Live Your Own Life

It’s important to spend quality time with your adult children, and it’s also important for you both to have your own interests, goals, and friends. This prevents overdependence on the relationship, which may feel burdensome to your adult children. By maintaining your own life, you give them the space to do the same.

8. Cultivate Connection

It’s also important to invest time and energy in your relationship with your adult child by showing genuine interest in their lives, offering emotional support and validation, and spending quality time together. This shows that you value your child and your relationship with them. If you have a shared interest or hobby, you might invite them to join you for an activity. You can also do simple things like grabbing lunch, asking their opinion, or texting them something to brighten their day.

Final Thoughts

Building a stronger relationship with your adult children is an ongoing process. You’ll need patience, respect, and a willingness to evolve. By shifting from a directive role to one of mutual respect, offering support without controlling, and communicating openly, you’re likely to create a relationship that’s more satisfying for both of you.