You’re a Parent. That’s Why You’re Stressed Out.

Your anxiety helps to keep your child safe.

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Key points

• We are living in an era of escalating tensions, conflicts, and worries. Some call it a "stress epidemic."
• The Surgeon General has warned that parents are a lot more stressed than others, dangerously stressed in fact.
• So much is out of your control, but some important things are within your control.
• Love your child. Accept your anxiety. Be kind to yourself. Reach out for help. Help others. You've got this!

Being a parent today means feeling stressed. In fact, the U.S. Surgeon General has issued a “dangerous stress” warning to American parents. Knowing that you’re in good company—that most other parents are also super stressed—might give you some comfort, but that’s not enough to help you manage those feelings.

To begin with, it’s good to acknowledge that we’re living in a climate of escalating fear, where every day advertisers, politicians, and experts give us new reasons to worry. And the message is megaphoned up a few notches for parents. On top of everything else, you’re being told that you should also worry about your child’s or adolescent’s behavior, their development, their mental health, your parenting, school shootings, drugs, social media predators, the environment. So much can go so wrong.

And in case you’re not anxious enough already, here's one more thing to add to your stress bundle: Your anxiety may be contributing to your child experiencing mental health problems of their own.

I am not advocating that you stop worrying altogether; a certain level of anxiety helps keep you safe. It’s important to pay attention to what’s going on for your child and in the world, so that you can do whatever needs doing to keep your family and community strong and healthy.

You Can Do This.

What I am advocating is that you connect to the love you feel for your child, and do your best to take good care of yourself. Simple, right? Maybe not, but when you’re feeling strong and calm, you’re in the best possible place to give your child what they need, thereby allaying your anxiety and theirs.

7 Suggestions for Muddling Through

1. Love your child. No matter what else is going on in the world, in your family, and with your child, connect with the loving connection you feel for your child. They feel your love, and need that more than anything you can buy or do for them. This is priority Number One.
2. Acknowledge your anxiety. Let it be okay to be anxious. Anxiety is not only normal and predictable in a chaotic world (and even more so if you’re a parent) but it’s also helpful in keeping yourself and your family and your community safe.
3. Take good care of yourself. Nutrition, sleep, exercise, outdoor time, social time, quiet time—all those good things you try to make sure your child gets enough of are important for you too. You’re a better parent when you’re feeling strong and healthy and happy, so look for ways to make that happen.
4. Ask for help. Parents today feel more alone and isolated than ever. If that describes you, it’s time to put some energy into cultivating your network of social support. Talk to friends, relatives, neighbors, or professionals about what’s troubling you, or just get together for a cup of coffee with someone.
5. Help others. Look for others who might benefit from some help. That can be small-scale, like taking a dozen cookies to your neighbor who’s struggling with toddler twins, or it can be large-scale, like getting politically active because you see a need for change. The neurochemistry of giving to others is potent. When you help someone else, you strengthen your network of social support, and you feel better about yourself and your problems. You're also making the world a better place, and that's ultimately good for your anxiety and your child's future.
6. Be kind. Be patient with yourself and with your child. Do your best to be kind to yourself, and to be present as often as possible to what’s good about this child in this moment.
7. Love your child. At the end of the day, your solid dependable love is what matters most. When you’re showing up with love in your heart, it’s hard to be too anxious, especially if you’re also taking good enough care of yourself.

Yes, it’s a time of heightened anxiety for everyone, for a lot of terrible reasons, and a time when parents more than others are feeling completely stressed out. But you won’t be much good to yourself or your child if you let yourself be overwhelmed by that. So, take a deep breath and think about how you can take good care of yourself today.

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