What Happened to Parental Authority?

In many households, kids seem to have the idea that they're in charge.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Children today often believe they should be able to decide for themselves what's appropriate behavior.
• When parents maintain their authority, they can create guidelines and boundaries to help keep their kids safe.
• Children may want more control than they are developmentally ready to handle.

The bottom line today is that many kids believe they have as much power in their families as the adults have. They often feel they should have an equal say in family decisions and get what they want on their own terms. This can lead to children asserting themselves in ways that would have been unheard of in our parents’ generation.

Young people do not always make the best decisions. Whether it’s sending inappropriate selfies or threatening to report parents who try to assert their authority to the police, kids today often feel empowered to be in charge of their own lives long before they may be developmentally ready to do so. The problem is, that when children are raised in an environment where parents don’t assert their authority, children can get a sense of power and control in their lives that they’re not yet ready to have.

This is not to say that children should not be consulted about things that affect them. However, there is a big difference between discussing the situation with a child so they have an understanding of the situation, as opposed to needing the child to always agree with the decision. When families create boundaries for children, whether it’s how much time they spend on their phones, or a requirement they eat a healthy meal before dessert, kids may not like it. It’s understandable for parents to get pushback when children don’t get their way. They may even rebel and throw a tantrum at times.

This doesn’t mean parents should give in to the child’s outbursts. Children tend to feel safe when they have guidelines in place so they know what’s expected of them. They may push at boundaries established in the family; however, by having clarity as to what is acceptable and unacceptable, the child is more likely to feel safe and secure. On the other hand, when a child is given more power in the family than they are developmentally ready for, it can cause them to become scared and overwhelmed. This can lead to the child overcompensating due to feelings of insecurity about the decisions they’re expected to make. Children who don’t have clear guidelines set by parents may make choices that are detrimental to their well-being.

Clear Boundaries Are Vital

That is why it is vital for children to have clear boundaries. In the same way that we teach children not to go off with strangers, we need to make sure they have boundaries in place in other areas of their lives as well. For example, when they are online it can be easy to become caught up in their desire for friendship and acceptance. This can make them susceptible to people who may be dishonest, or even dangerous.

Parents need to resist the pressure to give up their authority when setting guidelines for children. It is important that parents give them clear guidance on what’s acceptable and unacceptable in their households. This helps children understand what’s expected of them and helps to keep them safe. Many parents become scared their children might run away or be angry with them if they assert their authority. While children often get frustrated and upset with their parents if they don’t like something being said to them, knowing that they have clear guidelines can help them feel safe.

On the other hand, if kids get the idea that they are in charge of the family system, it can be overwhelming to them to be given that much responsibility. They may say they want to be in charge of their own lives; however, this is often posturing and the child is just trying to get their way at the moment. It’s also developmentally important for children to know they can’t just throw a tantrum to get what they want. If they believe they can, they may grow up thinking that’s an appropriate way to communicate. As a result, it can hinder their communication skills, which can make them less effective in their lives.

The truth is, children need parents to be their mentors and create guidelines that help keep them safe from harm. This is not always done with mutual consent. As adults, parents presumably have a wider perspective and can see what’s needed for their child even if the child doesn’t agree with it. It’s important parents understand that there are times when they need to assert their authority. Children can benefit greatly when someone helps to show them the way, even if they don’t always like it.