How to Teach Important Lessons to Kids Who Won't Listen

Less is more when teaching lessons to kids who won't listen.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• Many children do not like to be corrected. They experience it as shame and it shuts them down.
• Kids may reject, argue, or deflect blame to avoid the sense of shame.
• The mindshift to make is that there is no need to school or correct with words; the limit is the lesson.

A common conundrum for many parents who seek my consultation is how to impart important lessons to kids who won’t listen. Their kids reject, argue, shut the conversation down, or put the blame on their parent. As is often the case, less is more in these situations. The more you try to get your child to absorb the information you want to impart, the less likely they are to tune in to and internalize it, as these stories below show.

Mara sought my consultation to get a better handle on how to help her son, Micah, 5, who tends toward irritability and a glass-half-empty “victim” stance, get through the morning routine. He often wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and it devolves from there; no clothing options are acceptable, the breakfast is “gross,” he whines about everything. Mara has worked very hard on how to support Micah through the necessary tasks. She is now able to manage her frustration and stay calm. She doesn't fall into the trap of trying to coax Micah out of his bad mood or to make it all better by accommodating him. Instead, she acknowledges his discomfort and crankiness through each step while she holds to the plan and the limits.

She tells him it’s his job at 5 years old to dress himself because he's fully capable of doing it. His two great choices are: 1) He can get dressed at home or 2) She will put clothes in his backpack and he can change at school if he wants.

She empathizes with his displeasure at the breakfast choices and doesn't get into a battle over it; he can choose to eat and fill his belly with what she offers, or he can wait to have a snack at school.

When it's time to leave, if he is unable to get himself into the car, she does it as calmly as she can to ensure he gets to school on time.

Mara has learned that when Micah is in this headspace, she can’t rely on him to be able to regulate and cooperate. She needs to move him through the necessary tasks.

Then, in a recent consult, Mara shared a video of what had transpired after she had calmly guided Micah through a difficult morning. It had culminated in Mara having to carry him to the car after he refused to cooperate and do it himself. She was not happy with how it went and she wanted feedback. Here’s the play-by-play:

Micah: You hurt me!
Mara: You made me have to carry you to the car! I didn't want to have to pick you up and get you in. Tell me why I had to do that.⁠
Micah: (Screaming) You didn't give me breakfast!
Mom: I gave you breakfast. You chose not to eat it. That's why you're hungry. You can have this cereal bar (that she whips out of her bag).
Micah: (Still screaming) I don't want the cereal bar! I hate that one! ⁠You never give me any food that I like!

This went on for several more minutes as Mara desperately tried to convince Micah that it was his choice (fault) for being hungry and for having to be carried to the car. She felt she needed to teach him a lesson. Micah had a (largely unreasonable) retort for all of her case-making points and he descended into further dysregulation.⁠

The Take-Home: ⁠The Limit Is the Lesson (and... Less Is More)

Moving Micah through this difficult morning, getting him safely into the car and to school, was the lesson. It showed Micah that his mom will and can be his rock when he is spiraling—truly heroic parenting by Mara, giving Micah exactly what he needs when he is spiraling and can’t cope. Full stop.

It was trying to get Micah to see the error of his ways, how it was his actions and choices that led to the outcome, that resulted in things going off the rails and that propelled Micah into further escalation. In the heat of the moment, children don’t have the bandwidth to process the lesson you are trying to teach. ⁠Further, many HSCs are allergic to being corrected—they have a knee-jerk, defensive reaction to being schooled. So the lesson falls on deaf ears and gets the child more revved up and reactive. As frustrating as this may be—because you do, indeed, have a lot of important lessons to impart—the fact is that you can't make your child calmly listen to and absorb the information you want them to process.

The good news is that it's your actions that are most powerful and impactful. The words are unnecessary and, as you see, often backfire. With this insight, the next time a similar situation arises, Mara makes these course corrections:

• She doesn't get defensive. “I know it feels uncomfortable when I need to be a helper and get you into the car seat to get to school on time" vs. “I am not hurting you! You made me put you in the car because you wouldn’t cooperate!”
• She validates his experience: "It was a really tough morning. I have a cereal bar for you if you decide you want it."
• Then she remains a quiet presence and weathers the storm. She doesn't add fuel to his flame. She is the rock Micah needs her to be.

This approach has resulted in Micah calming much more quickly. Most days, once the transition has been made and he is at school, Micah is back in control and has a great day.