The Damage of Saying to a Kid "They Didn't Mean It That Way"

How dismissing a child’s feelings can lead to long-term emotional harm.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Children who grow up with invalidated emotions often struggle with self-worth.
• Children whose emotional expressions are dismissed often struggle with emotional regulation in adulthood.
• By validating a child’s feelings, parents give them tools to process and express their emotions healthily.

Children, whether they are 6 or 16, are deeply affected by the words spoken around them. Hearing a parent, relative, or trusted adult dismiss their feelings with phrases like, "He didn’t mean it like that," or "She wasn’t trying to hurt you," can be devastating.

While the intent behind the statement may be to smooth over conflict or ease the child’s pain, the result often leaves the child feeling dismissed, unheard, and invalidated. Over time, this can profoundly affect their self-esteem, emotional development, and even the relationships they pursue in adulthood.

The Impact of Dismissal on Self-Esteem

When a child confides in a parent or trusted adult about being hurt by someone’s words or actions, their emotional world is raw and vulnerable. Dismissing their feelings by implying they’ve misinterpreted the situation—especially without exploring the child’s perspective—sends a clear message: “Your feelings don’t matter.” Over time, this leads to a child doubting their emotional reality. They begin to internalize that their pain is insignificant or unworthy of acknowledgment.

Take Lilly, a 10-year-old who often comes home from family gatherings feeling upset. Her older cousin frequently teases her about her weight, calling her names like “chubby cheeks” or “pudgy princess.” Lilly finally tells her mother that the teasing makes her feel bad. Her mother, without thinking, responds, “He didn’t mean it like that. He’s just joking.”

Lilly’s hurt is immediately dismissed. She feels ashamed for bringing it up and believes she is overly sensitive. Over time, Lilly may stop sharing her feelings, becoming more withdrawn and insecure about her appearance and worth.

Long-Term Damage: The Seeds of Unhealthy Relationships

Children who repeatedly hear their emotions invalidated may carry this wound into adulthood, seeking relationships that mirror the dismissal they experienced growing up. When their feelings are disregarded as children, they may later seek out partners who minimize or invalidate their emotions, as this behavior feels familiar. Alternatively, they might accept emotionally harmful or abusive relationships, believing that their feelings are irrelevant or that they are overly sensitive.

Consider Lane, a 27-year-old who has been dating someone for three years. His partner frequently makes snide remarks about Lane’s intelligence, calling him “slow” or “stupid” in moments of frustration. When Lane expresses his hurt, his partner shrugs off, saying, “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re overreacting.”

Because Lane grew up in a home where his emotions were regularly dismissed with similar phrases, he tolerates the hurtful behavior. He’s conditioned to believe his feelings don’t carry enough weight to be acknowledged.

In a deeper dive than I can provide here, I share in my book, The Anxiety, Depression, & Anger Toolbox for Teens, that children who grow up in environments where their emotional expressions are minimized or dismissed often struggle with emotional regulation in adulthood. They are more likely to experience anxiety and depression, and they frequently report challenges in forming healthy, mutually respectful relationships.

Scenarios: Everyday Dismissals, Lifelong Impacts

Scenario 1: Kimberly, age 14, often comes home from school upset after a peer insults her in front of her friends. She tells her father how humiliated she felt, only to hear him say again, “Don’t worry about it; they didn’t mean it like that.”

Instead of comforting, this response conveys to her that her feelings of embarrassment and rejection are not valid. Over time, Kimberly may become less likely to trust others with her emotions, and her self-esteem may diminish as she internalizes the belief that she is overreacting.

Scenario 2: Six-year-old Ethan is playing with his slightly older cousin, Liam. When Liam hits Ethan during a game, Ethan runs to his grandmother, tearfully explaining what happened. His grandmother, in an attempt to keep the peace, says, “Liam didn’t mean to hurt you; you’re fine.” Liam's mother reinforces the same message from his grandmother.

Feeling dismissed, Ethan learns that even when others cause him pain, his emotions are not worth addressing. He grows up struggling to assert his boundaries, often allowing others to hurt him without feeling justified in speaking up.

Breaking the Cycle: Validation as a Path to Emotional Health

Simple yet powerful acts of validation can mitigate the long-term emotional damage caused by dismissing a child’s feelings. Validation means acknowledging and respecting the child’s feelings, even if you believe the situation was a misunderstanding or unintentional. Instead of saying, “They didn’t mean it like that,” parents can respond empathetically: “I’m so sorry that hurt you. Let’s talk about it.”

By validating a child’s feelings, parents give them the tools to process and express their emotions healthily. This approach fosters emotional resilience and teaches children that their feelings matter. Children who feel heard are more likely to develop self-confidence, emotional intelligence, and healthier relationships in adulthood.

Conclusion: The Lasting Effects of Invalidation

Dismissing a child’s pain with phrases like “He didn’t mean it like that” may seem trivial at the moment, but its long-term effects can be profound. Children who grow up with invalidated emotions often struggle with self-worth and may seek out relationships where their feelings continue to be disregarded. By shifting from dismissal to validation, parents can help their children develop the emotional tools to navigate life’s challenges with confidence and self-respect.