One Key Thing to Follow in Any Relationship

How to hold people accountable for what they promise.

Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

Key points

• It's easy to make promises but more difficult to fulfill them. The latter can reveal a lot about a person.
• Relationships with promise-breakers can bring stress and anxiety, the opposite of healthy relationships.
• Set clear expectations as to how you should be treated. Call out people when they fail to meet expectations.
• Ensure that there are consequences for failed promises. Set limits as to when you will leave relationships

You could say that the Naked Eyes had it in their 1983 song "Promises, Promises" with lyrics that went, "You made me promises, promises, Knowing I'd believe, Promises, promises, You knew you'd never keep."

The naked truth is that making promises is easy. What's more difficult is fulfilling those promises. It can be very revealing to see who does and doesn't keep their word. That's why it's important to follow one key thing in any personal or professional relationship: people's follow-through on things. Repeatedly failing to follow through on promises can take the "t" out of the trust in the relationship and leave nothing but rust.

Frequently, people may have no real idea of what it would take to do what they say they would do. Someone may agree to take care of you while you are sick and then realize, "Oh, wait, this is harder than I thought, as this actually requires some work," or "You mean you aren't going to just remain your happy self and keep me entertained while you are sick?"

Some people may be short on the whole self-awareness thing and not realize their limitations. They may view themselves as kind when they are kind of not when under pressure. They also may be too disorganized or overcommitted to get things done. When you are 13th on someone's priority list, good luck seeing something get done for you.

Alternatively, some people can have very inconsistent and volatile personalities with a seeming Dr. Jekyl and run-and-hide split. As a result, they can alternate between being promise-keepers on some days and as flaky as puff pastries on others. They can be like a not-so-good box of chocolates: You never know what you may get.

On the flip side, as the Naked Eyes song warns, some people may make you promises they know they'd never keep. The whole agreeing to do something could be simply due to their wanting to look good in front of others, get your approval, or avoid confrontation. Once they've managed to escape everyone's gaze they can burrow back into the ground like a weasel.

Speaking of weasels, an even darker possibility is that they make promises in attempts to manipulate you, to bait you as if you were a fish. This is what future fakers do; they paint a rosy picture of their future with you, like "imagine us 10 years from now on a yacht together sipping champagne and enjoying bonbons." This rosy proposition may keep you stuck with them while they quietly get what they want. But, over time, you will realize the thorny truth: They had no real commitment to deliver what they had promised.

Being with people who can't keep their promises can be very thorny, indeed. Imagine using an airline that repeatedly says things like, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the flight to Los Angeles. We may or may not get there. You could end up in Uncertain, Texas, or perhaps Stockholm, Sweden. Who knows? We may even just sit on the runway here forever." Similarly, a relationship with a promise-breaker can bring stress, fear, and anxiety, basically the exact opposite of what a healthy relationship should bring you, and leave you picking up the pieces of broken promises frequently.

Therefore, if want to determine if any relationship has promise, promise yourself to do the following:

1. Set very clear expectations as to how you should be treated: Make the bar high enough. People often treat you how you allow yourself to be treated.
2. Call out people when they fail to meet expectations. When people fail to deliver, don't simply let it slide without getting clear, justifiable explanations. Sure, it may be OK to let minor transgressions or genuine accidents go, as when someone doesn't show up for an appointment because a blimp fell on their car. Just as long as blimps don't seem to fall from the sky every time an appointment occurs.
3. Ensure that there are consequences for failed promises: Saying, "This time I am really, really, really, really upset as opposed to last time when I was really, really, really upset," may not be enough if the person deep down doesn't care enough about how you feel. Make the consequences truly consequential.
4. Set limits as to when you will jettison or leave relationships: Hey, you've got to keep your promises as well, especially the ones you may make to yourself. Promise yourself that you won't let others take advantage of your patience, trust, and goodwill. When you have to tell others for the 472nd time to do what they promised to do, what makes you think the 473rd time will be different? Set clear limits as to what you're willing to put up with, and be prepared to sever the relationship when the limits are surpassed.

It's not worth staying with someone whom you can't trust. Don't underestimate the amount of time, effort, and energy it takes to worry about something getting done and having to compensate when it isn't. All of this can leave you feeling rather naked in a relationship.