When You're Afraid Everyone Knows You've Been Psychotic

Personal Perspective: How I learned there's no shame in having mental illness.

Reviewed by Tyler Woods

When I had my first psychotic break, then a second one, and a third, and then others, I feared everyone could tell I'd ‘gone mad'; that I'd been involuntarily admitted to the psych ward. But what I feared even more was that I would never belong again. Never matter. Never find a place where I could fully be myself and not feel shame.

Awareness of mental illness was less and stigma was certainly more 20 years ago. But along my journey of healing, I learned not only that there was no shame in having a mental illness, but there could be value in it.

I share my story at conferences, for corporations, at community events. But not in a traditional keynote format. Instead, using my humour and acting background I perform one of my solo shows. This invites the audience into my world and to move along with me emotionally, not just intellectually. The humour sort of helps, too. Nothing works better to shift stereotypes and disrupt beliefs than getting a group of people to laugh together.

My story moves from helplessness to healing, from denial to determination. It is healing for me as much as I’ve been told it helps others.

I did not get well on my own. I'm grateful and feel fortunate I had family that stood by me (even when I couldn't stand them). A mom and dad who were fierce advocates. I wouldn't ever want to be on the other side of a nurse's station when Jack Maxwell had a bone to pick, because he picked those bones clean. There was also a net of friends, psychiatrists, case managers, and others who cared about me until I finally cared about myself.

Friends who helped me accept that it's okay to be on psychiatric medication; that it's okay for them to listen for three conversations in a row, and they'll take their turn sharing when they need to; friends who remind me I'm not a short-circuited toaster that needs to be fixed. Instead, I'm a person wired with brilliant electricity who just happens to be wired in a different way.

I wish everyone who's struggling with their mental health to have support like this. I wish everyone period, even if they're not struggling, to have this kind of help. Because everyone deserves to feel like they belong, like they matter, that they can fully be themselves. That is good mental health.

© Victoria Maxwell