Why Third-Party Reproduction Can Feel Uncomfortable

Exploring the emotional and social complexities of modern parenthood.

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Key points

• Third-party reproduction stirs emotions tied to biology and identity.
• Societal discomfort often stems from fears around control, judgment, and shifting definitions of parenthood.
• Relationships with donors and surrogates introduce complexities but can also enrich family dynamics.
• Acceptance requires self-reflection, empathy, and openness to rethinking what defines love and belonging.

Third-party reproduction—using donor sperm, donor eggs, or surrogates to conceive—is often met with mixed emotions and discomfort. Although these methods help individuals and couples build families, they also challenge deeply held cultural, emotional, and even moral beliefs. Some view it as unnatural, others question its impact on identity, and many struggle to reconcile these practices with traditional ideas of family. This unease isn’t just about science or ethics; it’s about what it means to be a parent, what constitutes a family, and how we define belonging.

Exploring these feelings with honesty can help us move past discomfort, opening the door to greater understanding and acceptance.

"Unnatural" Reproduction: Fear of Technology and Change

One source of discomfort stems from the idea that third-party reproduction is "unnatural." For generations, conception has been seen as an act best left to nature, with science only playing a supporting role in fertility. The involvement of medical technology, donors, or surrogates feels to some like interference in a sacred process. This discomfort often reflects broader societal anxiety about how technology is changing the most intimate parts of life (Becker et al., 2020).

However, the question of what is “natural” isn’t straightforward. Many medical advancements—like organ transplants or pacemakers—also interfere with nature, yet they are widely accepted because they improve or extend life. Why, then, do some people struggle to extend this acceptance to reproductive technologies? Perhaps it is because reproduction involves more than just health; it touches on emotions, relationships, identity, and meaning.

People who feel uneasy about third-party reproduction may also fear losing control over the creation of life, as technology seems to place power in the hands of doctors, donors, and surrogates. For some, this sense of unpredictability feels unsettling, as if the involvement of third parties complicates the purity of parenthood. Yet, those who embrace third-party reproduction often describe it not as a loss, but as an expansion—an opportunity to experience family in new ways.

Identity and Belonging: Concerns About the Child

Another source of discomfort lies in questions about the child’s identity. People often wonder how donor-conceived children will feel about having biological connections outside their immediate family. Will the absence of a genetic link to one or both parents create emotional confusion? Will the child feel disconnected from their roots?

These concerns reflect our deep attachment to the idea that biology forms the foundation of family. For many, genetics symbolizes a sense of belonging—a way to see ourselves reflected in our children. When third-party reproduction introduces another person’s DNA, it can feel like a disruption to that story, with confusion around the child's identity.

However, many donor-conceived children and families report that love, not genetics, is what ultimately defines their relationships. Open and honest communication about the child’s origins, starting at a young age, helps families foster a sense of security and belonging (Cahn, 2021). Parents who engage with these conversations demonstrate that family bonds are formed through care, trust, and shared experience, regardless of biology.

The Modern Family Paradigm: Shifting Traditional Beliefs

For some, the discomfort arises from the uncertainty of how new and evolving family identities fit into cultural and social traditions. The idea of incorporating new pathways to parenthood can feel unsettling when they deviate from familiar rituals and stories passed down through generations. This change can create unease, as it asks individuals to rethink long-held beliefs about family continuity and the roles each member plays.

Nontraditional families are redefining what it means to belong. Families formed through donor conception, surrogacy, or adoption demonstrate that shared experiences, values, and emotional connections are central to building strong family bonds. These families are leading the way toward a broader understanding of parenthood, one that is inclusive, diverse, and rooted in intention.

Fear of Judgment: Secrecy and Visibility

Even as third-party reproduction becomes more common, societal stigma persists. For those unfamiliar with these methods, there may be discomfort about how parents who use donors or surrogates are perceived, with some viewing their path as less legitimate or unnatural. This perception can lead to secrecy, as some parents may avoid disclosing their child’s origins to others or sharing their reproductive journey (California Cryobank, 2024).

The rise of DNA testing platforms like 23andMe has added to this complexity, making genetic origins more visible. Some question whether the visibility feels unsettling for families, as it disrupts traditional narratives that may be difficult to process. However, many parents navigate these challenges by being open and proactive, discussing their child’s origins early and fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding.

Navigating Emotional Complexities with Donors and Surrogates

Those unfamiliar with these family systems sometimes wonder how non-biological connections such as surrogates or egg donors affect family dynamics. This unease often comes from uncertainty about how families set boundaries and integrate these roles.

Families using third-party reproduction often establish boundaries through open communication and clear agreements. They may decide in advance the level of involvement a donor or surrogate will have, setting expectations for contact, communication, and the roles each person plays. By being proactive and intentional, these families create a sense of security and structure, ensuring that each person’s place within the family is understood and respected.

Finding Comfort in the Unconventional

Coming to terms with discomfort around third-party reproduction requires self-reflection. It involves examining personal beliefs about biology, family, and identity—and challenging assumptions that may no longer serve us. Third-party reproduction offers an opportunity to redefine what it means to belong, reminding us that family is not about genetics alone but about love, intention, and care.

The path forward involves empathy—not just for others, but for ourselves. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable when confronted with new ideas or unfamiliar situations. The key is to stay open, curious, and willing to have your mind changed. As more families embrace nontraditional paths to parenthood, society will continue to evolve toward a more inclusive understanding of family.

Self-Reflective Questions

• Do I feel unsettled by the idea of a child not genetically related to their parents? If so, why does this challenge my understanding of family?
• What beliefs do I hold about what makes a family “real” or legitimate? How do these beliefs affect the way I view nontraditional families?
• How do I feel about the use of technology in reproduction? Do I see it as interfering with nature or as expanding possibilities?
• Am I concerned about how others might judge unconventional paths to parenthood? How does societal expectations influence my thinking?