Don't Let Your Child Feel Mediocre

Roger Federer’s tips for success in sports and life.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Kids can easily feel inadequate when they encounter struggle.
• Parents can help their children realize that self-doubt is common and to have tools to challenge it.
• Children can learn to recognize that the pursuit of any goal is going to require effort.

Years ago, I was having dinner with my nephew, who was probably no more than 4 years old at the time. He had his arms raised above his head, and he was clapping and cheering himself on, saying, “Bravo, bravo!” I remember congratulating him and thinking, “I hope he will keep this feeling of self-confidence long into his adulthood.”

We all have moments of self-doubt, and, sometimes, we are surprised to learn how many highly successful people admit they have had these feelings, too. The difference may be that, for them, these feelings are short-lived.

Last year, Roger Federer was the commencement speaker at Dartmouth College. He shared lessons from his life as a top tennis player, reminding the audience how in tennis, players experience many losses, which they can’t dwell on. Every tournament ends with a winner and a loser. So, the more you play, the more you will lose, and you have to get over any single loss so that you can play another game and win.

Federer highlighted one moment in particular when this was especially true, but even he forgot to follow his own advice. It was during one of his biggest losses—Wimbledon 2008. He was playing Rafael Nadal. He lost early on in what was close to five hours of play because of his mindset. He thought maybe Rafa was hungrier, and it wasn’t until the third set that he was able to refocus himself and think about all that he brought to the court. But, by then, it was too late for that match that day. Afterward, he reminded himself that the only option was to keep working. It’s a piece of advice you hear from many top-level professional athletes.

Many children win too much or succeed at something too easily. When they lose or struggle, they are often devastated. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be upset; that’s another story. I am saying they shouldn’t let a single loss mean something about them, their character, or their future—at least not permanently. At worst, the loss or disappointment should tell them what they need to practice more. Like Federer, what did he need to work harder on? Failure and loss tell you what you need to work on and improve upon, not that you need to give up or quit.

Despite having won about 80 percent of his matches, he only won about 50 percent of his points. This fact of the game trained him to be better at not dwelling on each shot. He would think, "This moment is only a point. It’s over. Now, I need to think about the next point." Each point was important when he was playing it, but after it was over, he needed to clear his mind to figure out what he needed to do to win the next point.

So, how do you cultivate the mindset in your child that will promote persistence and self-confidence? How do you protect them from the moment when they will hit a little wall or a big one? If they give up, they will certainly not reach their end goal. But, as important, you don’t want them to feel inferior to their peers when they experience disappointments or temporary setbacks.

• Be their go-to person. Because you can’t support what you don’t know about, the first suggestion is to be aware of or sensitive to how your child may feel in situations that invite social comparison or have a clear goal or placement that only one person can achieve.
• Sympathize with their feelings but don’t pre-empt or presume. If your child seems saddened or frustrated by their performance, you want to acknowledge those feelings. But you don’t want to assume they are despondent when they may not be. You are not trying to teach devastation. Fortunately, some kids' temperaments let them take disappointments in stride or at least not dwell on them as much as others may. This doesn’t mean they don’t care.
• Reframe setbacks as not-yet-accomplished goals. If their disappointment is about not being where everyone else is or where they think everyone else is, you can present it as a “not yet” situation. In other words, they are not as good a reader as so-and-so yet. While it’s frustrating to be behind, with the plan you will develop, they will catch up, even if it may take a while (or not). Sometimes, to make the journey worthwhile, you may ask how they would feel if, one year later, they could do what so-and-so can do.
• Help them realize the efforts behind others’ success. Even if your child is young, you can walk them through the logic of effort. Take Federer. If you listen to the rest of his talk, it’s clear that he started young and made a lot of sacrifices to be where he is. One of the points he made is that it may look easy, but it was a lot of work. For older students, he hinted that you should not be deceived into thinking that your peers aren’t working hard to achieve what they do. This is such an important consideration for older students. I have heard too many believe their peers achieve effortlessly. I know many students at the school where I currently work who have shared with me how they started working with math tutors when they were still in elementary school, not because they were weak math students.
• Avoid making perfection the goal. The more your commentary supports perfection, the more bothered your child will likely be by not being the best. And, to be honest, you probably care less about your child being the best now if in the future they are mediocre. So, create a picture of the long haul. You may want to strive to be the best, but there are few, if any, who are this. It’s an unreasonable expectation that doesn’t exist. If you stay in the game long enough, you will inevitably have some tough times. No one has an unencumbered journey, especially if you are competing at the highest level. Something will take a toll, even if it’s only age.
• Model a balance between acceptance and perseverance. As Federer shared, each point is important, but when it's over, you have to move on to the next one. You may have a moment of frustration and huge disappointment and shed some tears, but it’s short-lived. Each loss is instructive, indicating what you need to improve upon. You want your child to have this same mindset when bothered by some temporary setback or comparison to others who, to them, seem more talented or skilled at something than they are.

"Effortless is a myth… The best in the world are not the best because they win every point. It’s because they know they’ll lose again and again, and they’ve learned how to deal with it. The goal of life is to become a master of overcoming hard moments. That is the sign of a champion.”

–Roger Federer, Dartmouth Commencement Speech, 2024