The Narcissistic Family: The Lost Child and The Only Child

How the roles disrupt bonding and connection

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

• The narcissistic family system casts character roles with the narcissist being the lead character.
• The siblings in the narcissistic family are not encouraged to bond, connect, or be emotionally close.
• It can be helpful to understand the complexities and difficulties of each role that siblings play.

Part II in Cast of Characters in the Narcissistic Family

In Part I, the roles in the narcissistic family were discussed. A narcissistic family is one led by a narcissistic parent. The roles can be seen as a cast of characters in a play with the narcissist in the lead role. Part I defined the golden child and the scapegoat child and the difficulties of each role. While the roles can be switched at different times in the children’s lives, it depends on what the parent needs them to be at any particular time. Let’s examine the lost child and the only child.

The Lost Child

While I believe all children in a narcissistic family are victims of emotional neglect, the lost child is neglected in particular and painful ways. Those cast in the lost child role are best described as avoiding conflict at all costs and essentially blending into the woodwork, they do not want to draw attention—good or bad—to themselves. Withdrawing into themselves, many lost children in a narcissistic family become creative and engage in art, writing, music, or some other inner passion. They report being ignored but also wanting to be invisible—not being seen or heard is their defense mechanism, a way to survive the chaos of their narcissistic family system.

Since lost children often report being disconnected from their feelings as children, as adults in therapy, one of their main challenges is to get in touch with their feelings and desires. They have a hard time expressing what they need or want. Learning to do so is a goal and a challenge. The lost children have work to do in therapy to overcome their isolation and to learn to be assertive and speak up for themselves. It’s tough to unlearn the lesson of withdrawing and remaining invisible.

The Only Child

The only child may be treated as a golden child, scapegoat, or lost child depending on what is going on with the narcissistic parent at the time; so the role an only child plays can be unpredictable. Whatever role the only child fills, they have no one with whom to share the experience of being a child in a narcissistic family. Most only children internalize that the parent is right and there must be something wrong with them. Only children often report that they don’t fit in—in the family or other settings. Their isolation continues.

These roles in the family can continue throughout adulthood unless there is education, understanding, and recovery. The good news is that understanding the dynamics of the narcissistic family system can open the door to greater awareness and eventual healing and perhaps even a chance to improve sibling relationships later in life. One can have empathy for the difficulties and complexities of each role and work on removing the roles and becoming more authentic in connection with siblings.

Those who do have a sibling to join in the recovery process together are very lucky as this can be validating and helpful to the healing process. Unfortunately, I have seen siblings raised in a narcissistic family not close as adults; they were not encouraged to be emotionally close or supportive of each other. Rather they were likely faced with comparisons, competition, jealousy, and lack of mutual support.

There is hope and healing and I encourage readers to embrace the recovery resources at the end of this post. Recovery is an inside job, and what is most important is a healthy relationship with self.