Real Love Is Not for the Timid: Muscle Up

Weathering the bumps in a relationship takes emotional courage.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Are you interested in a love relationship that rivals those love stories you see in movies or read about in novels? It's a noble goal, but it takes emotional courage. It requires the courage to be vulnerable. Being open and vulnerable, not only through what you say but in what you hear your partner say, is not easy. Indeed, no one who is opening their heart to love is without vulnerability. As a consequence, real love is not for the timid.

Critical Moments

If you are not able to take charge of your emotions when your relationship hits a bump, as it likely will, you will take an emotional step backward, a step back from intimacy. Taking charge involves turning inward and accessing your own resources to steady your emotional balance. This is called self-soothing: your ability to be in control of and regulate your emotions, to comfort and care for yourself without excessive indulgences, such as drinking, eating, drug use, or even over-shopping. Self-soothing is the process of putting what is going on with you and your partner—the change and growth, which can be frightening—into perspective.

Self-Soothing

Indeed, managing our emotions in a close relationship requires the ability to soothe ourselves rather than activating our defenses and stepping back. Much of what we do, from reading fiction or watching TV to the friends we choose, is in the service of making ourselves feel better. The ability to soothe ourselves is a fundamental life skill; most of us in the psychological profession view self-soothing as one of the most essential of psychic tools. It is difficult to envision being able to survive without the ability to withstand the emotional storms that are part of a deep love relationship.

Self-soothing is self-care but not self-indulgence. It does not involve emotional regression, or food or substance bingeing. It does involve taking care of yourself while you’re stretching the boundaries of openness and honesty with your partner. Self-soothing permits you to quiet and calm yourself. The process requires that you not give up on yourself, or tell yourself it is too hard to settle your emotions down. You have to stick with yourself, just as you would with a friend going through a difficult time. You are that friend—to yourself.

Specific Suggestions for Self-Soothing

1. Do your best to stop the negative mental tapes. Stop awfulizing the situation and/or telling yourself, How could he (or she) feel this way! Accept the present reality; quiet yourself instead of exacerbating your very emotional state and losing perspective.
2. To help regulate your emotions review your past history and recall challenges you faced successfully. Remind yourself that you are resilient; all of us have survived tough times, even if we brought the aggravation on ourselves. We are tougher than we give ourselves credit for.
3. Remind yourself to regain some perspective. Reactions and situations don’t last forever. Behave in a productive manner that you’ll respect afterward, even if your emotions suggest otherwise. In other words, ask yourself, If I felt better, how would I handle this? Then, do your best to at least approximate that behavior. In contrast, when you start saying, “Maybe I shouldn’t do that, but…” or “Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but…,” take your own advice.
4. Write about it. Writing it down is one of the most effective things you can do to release your emotional pain. Set aside some time, and write letters to everyone in your family who you feel hurt you or let you down. No one needs to see these letters, so don’t hold back, censor yourself, or worry about how well the letter is written. Just put all the hurt and rage that’s been festering inside and contaminating your system on the page.
5. Stop punishing yourself for past mistakes. Instead, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Look back at regrettable actions; recall who you were at the time. Remind yourself that you are a work in progress, ever-evolving, always learning, and fallible.
6. Create a peaceful place inside of you. If you can tap that peaceful source, you can stop distress from building up, allowing your mind to clear and focus more sharply. There are numerous ways to create calm: yoga, meditation, a walk in nature, a hot aromatic bath, a good massage, soothing music, prayer, deep breathing, pleasant memories, and so on.

Yes, real love takes emotional courage, the ability to be vulnerable and open to your partner's heart. It takes emotional courage, but the return is the theme of a life fully realized.