3 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Recognizing an unhealthy relationship is a journey of self-discovery.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• In the search for a romantic partner, it’s natural to make mistakes and have unhealthy relationships.
• The wish for true love can cause you to ignore red flags and problematic behavior.
• Repeated feelings of shame, remorse, and humiliation are among the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Is there anything more exciting than a new romantic relationship? It’s got it all—thrills, chills, adventure; it can pull you out of despair, bring you hope, and make you feel that your new love has the power to heal a thousand wounds.

Unfortunately, we all endure many unhealthy relationships while searching for a companion. The promise of true love, of feeling embraced and cherished, is a powerful wish. It can cause you to ignore red flags and problematic behavior, abandon your needs, and even push you to make reckless or destructive choices.

Don’t be alarmed. Recognizing an unhealthy relationship is a journey of self-discovery. In my weekly therapy groups, people often report that even when friends warned them or family expressed concerns—it wasn’t enough. The worst part: When they knew the relationship was unhealthy, they hung in there and hoped things would improve. But this realization is a stepping stone to personal growth.

Yes, it hurts most when an unhealthy relationship crashes and burns. It's OK to make mistakes in relationships. What may hurt most is how much you may blame yourself; “How could I be so foolish?” “What was I thinking?” you wonder. But remember, it's all part of the learning process.

Memories of an unhealthy relationship

I was recently reminiscing about an old romantic relationship. I recalled so many happy experiences we shared. I dug out an old journal of our time together, thinking it would be a delightful trip down memory lane.

Boy, was I wrong! The journal revealed how sad I was during that relationship, how critical that person was of me, and how I endured discouragement and disapproval. The journal shattered the illusion that the relationship was healthy. It was a trainwreck.

Why did I put up with it? I can think of many reasons; I was young, naive, perhaps desperate, and unhappy. But the overwhelming reason is simple: I didn’t know I deserved better.

Why do people stay in unhealthy relationships?

We bring all our unmet needs to relationships. These unmet needs are frequently based on childhood deprivation. As children, we may have experienced trauma, neglect, or abandonment, situations that left us with open wounds that we desperately want to heal.

So we search for someone to heal us. We tell ourselves that if we find the right person, we’ll be cured of loneliness; we won’t feel sad, depressed, or anxious anymore. True love will be the solution to all our ills.

The truth is that no relationship can satisfy or cure every need. We must heal ourselves first. And the best way to find a healthy relationship is to start working on a healthy relationship with yourself. (See "How To Heal Your Relationship With Yourself.")

Breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships

Any relationship that repeatedly makes you feel bad about yourself is unhealthy. Whatever excitement that person offers you, it’s not worth it. Love can be painful, but the good must outweigh the bad if it will last.

There comes a point in an unhealthy relationship when you need to have an honest dialogue with yourself. If you don’t want to see the truth about your partner, you can start by acknowledging uncomfortable or painful feelings you feel due to the relationship.

Here are some common feelings that often signal an unhealthy relationship:

1. Shame: For many, shame is one of the most painful feelings you can experience. It can drive you into self-doubt, keep you from trying new things, and plunge you into depression. If your partner regularly shames you and doesn’t stop despite your attempts to correct them, it’s time to move on.
2. Remorse: Unhealthy relationships are notorious for causing you to make decisions that you regret. Under pressure, you may agree to something that you later regret. Remorse can haunt you and cause you to spend hours ruminating or obsessing. It also spikes anxiety dramatically.
3. Humiliation: Unlike shame, which can happen behind closed doors, humiliation is public shaming. Perhaps your partner says or does something to you in front of others. Maybe they make a scene or embarrass you. Like shame, humiliation can induce mental tension and psychosomatic symptoms. (See "Where You Store Stress in Your Body and What It Means.")

If you feel stuck in an unhealthy relationship, reaching out for help is essential. Don’t isolate or withdraw. Confide with friends or family, call a hotline, or contact a support group or mental health practitioner. Taking steps to break free and break the cycle is empowering. It's a declaration of your worth and a step toward a healthier, happier you.