A Narcissist's 4 Priorities vs. Emotionally Intelligent Ones

A narcissist's top four priorities in life may clash with yours if you have EI.

Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

Key points

• A narcissist may have four very distinct priorities in life.
• These priorities may clash with your priorities if you have emotional intelligence.
• A difference in important priorities may cause significant ruptures in the relationship.

A narcissist usually has very different priorities than an emotionally intelligent person. This can cause constant ruptures in a relationship because the two people are operating from fundamentally different foundations. A narcissist’s four priorities include: taking care of themselves, material possessions or appearances, avoidance of a discussion about uncomfortable emotions, and maintaining emotional control over you. An EI person, on the other hand, usually prioritizes the needs and feelings of loved ones, the health and well-being of their close relationships, authentic and meaningful discussions about difficult emotions, and quality time with their loved ones.

A narcissist is egocentric, so they spend most of their time taking care of themselves. This self-focus can be so pervasive that it makes them oblivious to the needs of their loved ones; for example, they sit on their phone in the next room while their partner struggles to help one child with homework, get dinner started, and help another child put a Band-Aid on.

Conversely, an emotionally intelligent person usually has empathy for others and is in tune with their loved one’s feelings. They are good at being selfless and are able to put other people’s needs first when it is necessary. Often this gift is continually exploited and taken advantage of by a narcissist.

A narcissist’s second priority is often their material possessions or appearances. Often, they place more importance on these things than a loved one. For instance, your partner is an hour late to your event because they had to get their hair and makeup “perfect” before heading out the door.

Alternatively, an emotionally intelligent person may place the health and well-being of their close relationships at the top of their list. They realize that being there for their loved ones is what matters in life, not superficial possessions or pursuits. Although they would love to spend their bonus on a cute little sports car, they may choose to put the money into their kids' college accounts instead.

The narcissists’ third priority is to avoid any discussions about real feelings or uncomfortable emotions. Frequently they say “I don’t know" when asked about how they feel. They are annoyed and indignant when you voice a feeling that they do not want you to have. They also withdraw and refuse to talk at all, or they get nasty and say things that make you question what it is that you feel.

An emotionally intelligent person, on the other hand, wants to talk about real things. They are comfortable talking about their own emotions and they want to hear about their partner’s. Often, they plead with a narcissistic partner to “let them in.” Dealing with real issues in a clear and authentic manner is their goal.

Fourth on a narcissist’s list of priorities is to gain and maintain emotional control over you. They may do this by love-bombing you and then emotionally abandoning you when you do not do what they want. They tend to love conditionally, meaning they only show love and attention when you think and feel as they do. This is their way of getting you to do and say what they want.

Alternately, an emotionally intelligent partner tends to love unconditionally. It does not matter if their partner expresses a feeling, opinion, or viewpoint that they do not share. They appreciate their partner’s differing perspectives and feelings on things.

Because a narcissist’s priorities in life differ so drastically from an emotionally intelligent partner’s there may be continual rifts in the relationship. Tips on how to handle this situation can be found in my new book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist; Use Emotional Intelligence to Reagin Control at Home, at Work, and In Life.

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