Perfectionism Detox

Three ways to move from fear to freedom.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer, Ph.D.

Key points

• Perfectionism is a sinister pattern of high expectations and self-criticism.
• Challenge perfectionism by calling it out.
• Help yourself be more flexible by finding the middle path option.

I view myself as a recovering perfectionist.

Growing up, I did it all. I got straight A's in school, took Advanced Placement (AP classes), was involved in various clubs, all while sustaining a career as a highly competitive gymnast.

I didn't feel the downside of perfectionism until starting my Ph.D. In academia, you are constantly confronted with failure. You have someone's mental health in your hands for the first time without being an expert. Your journal articles get repeatedly rejected and the time demands of cumulative tasks (up to 60-80 hours per week) make it impossible to keep up with perfectionistic standards.

For a perfectionist who had previously excelled at everything, I felt paralyzed with fear and an immense amount of shame. I didn't know how to cope. I absolutely crumbled under the pressure (on the inside at least).

A lot of my suffering (self-criticism, overwork, burnout) could have been prevented by addressing my perfectionism early on. I'm on a mission to help other perfectionists challenge this negative pattern to prevent negative outcomes before they happen.

Here are three strategies for a perfectionism detox to help you move from fear to freedom.

1. Call out perfectionism

Perfectionism is usually at odds with our values. It is different from my inner wisdom, my intuitive voice that tells me that I am good enough. It helps to call out perfectionism and separate it from my wisest inner self.

When I notice myself getting caught up in perfectionism or fears of failure, I simply say, "Ok, I see that my perfectionism is showing up right now." "Wow, my perfectionism is making it difficult to start this task."

This works on a few different levels. It first allows you to notice when perfectionism is showing up, and you're getting stuck in high standards or fear of failure. Secondly, it allows you to separate the perfectionism from yourself. Rather than saying, "I am such a failure," you can say, "My perfectionism is telling me that I'm a failure." That small shift in language can make a big difference in how you feel.

2. Adjust unhelpful rules

Perfectionists take rule-following to an extreme. For example, many people are taught that working hard leads to success. Perfectionists may take this to the extreme, believing they'll never be successful if they don't "work hard." And then they take working hard to the extreme. To a perfectionist, "working hard" is working relentlessly without mistakes, often without rest or time for fun.

Consider what rules you've been carrying that are perfectionistic, extreme, rigid, or generally unhelpful. Here are some examples:

• Failure is not an option.
• I always need to try my best.
• I need to finish all of these tasks before I can rest/relax.

Spend some time with these rules. Consider ways these rules can become more flexible. Rather than saying, "I always need to try my best," try adjusting it to, "I try my best and take care of myself," or "I want to try my best, but it's okay if I don't meet my perfectionistic standards all of the time."

3. Practice middle path flexibility

Perfectionism lives in black-and-white. It tricks you into thinking there is only right and wrong, black and white, with no grey area. We all know that's an overly simplistic view of the world. So, next time you're about to do something, identify the black and white of that action. Next, identify the grey, or the middle path.

Let's take this example:

I have a project due, it’s 10:00 pm at night, and I need to get to sleep before work tomorrow. I’m trying to decide how much time to spend on this project. The black and white of this decision-making process would be to either 1) avoid the project and not do it at all, or 2) spend hours on the project until I get it just right, regardless of how much time it takes — with sleep taking the hit. Both of these options appeal to perfectionism, but neither of these options sounds great to me.

The grey area is to set a timer, work on the project for an hour to get most of it completed, and then go to sleep. The grey area is to work on the project until it’s good enough and submit it.

Whenever you take an action towards your goals, find the grey area. This challenges the rigid black-and-white of perfectionism and helps you thrive in an area that is challenging, but not suffocating.

Finally say goodbye to the perfectionism that's dragging you down

Saying goodbye to perfectionism is hard. It takes repeated effort and a high level of resolve. But you can absolve yourself from perfectionism for good by following these steps. Name perfectionism when you hear it (in yourself and in others!). Challenge unhelpful rules and high expectations. Work to be more flexible by finding the grey area.

Practicing these steps intentionally helped me feel less trapped by fear, less paralyzed by indecision, and more free to be myself.