I Lost My Spouse, How Do I Date Again?

Dating again? There's no rush and there are no rules.

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

• Date when you're excited about meeting someone new, and see love with new eyes.
• Divorced or long-single people have different experiences that you can learn from.

How do I know when I'm ready to start dating again after losing my spouse?

There is no one answer. Time is a great healer. But some people jump right in and flourish that way. For example, the idea of replacing a wife who passed away may not be the right approach, but the idea of forming a new bond may be.

Do you feel excited about the prospect of meeting new people? If that's a sad or overwhelming idea, you're not ready. Are you still mentally "married"? Rather than dating, you might be ready for a new activity that helps you feel alive and connected to yourself. It's ideal to enter into a new relationship feeling that you can find joy in your life without your partner. Any new relationship will require enthusiasm. It shouldn't be filling a hole.

Who You Might Meet

Think about what you want. Would you prefer to stay casual? Would you like someone with specific sexual interests? Perhaps you're kinky and never expressed those tastes with your late wife. Why not give yourself that chance? You might actually want companionship and have little interest in sex. Be honest with yourself.

Many people choose online dating sites as the easiest access to a diverse pool of people you probably wouldn't meet any other way. Online dating can also allow you to find out key facts quickly. If you are attached to your cat, weed out people who are extremely allergic. Maybe you smoke cigarettes and need someone to accept that. Be strict: It's easy to get enamored and excited by a great prospect and think one of you will come around. Then you end up with a painful conflict. Head this off at the pass. If you're wealthy, it's tempting to talk openly about your lifestyle. However, you may attract people who need a bailout.

Move to in-person meetings as soon as you can. Start with a video call if you live far from each other or have busy schedules. Many new online daters invest a great deal of energy in people by texting or talking on the phone and realize that it's not going to work when face to face. And some people are too scared to show up. Don't use up emotional energy on dead ends.

Consider being open to a wider age group than you might think at first. Many men are now interested in older women. The old rule was that men wanted much younger women. Don't lock yourself in.

Meet Before You Invest Too Much

You'll need to get together in person, more than once, to really assess if you are attracted to each other and in tune with each other's goals and outlook. Humor is a great sign. Did you laugh on your first dates?

When you meet, try to avoid diving into grief with your new date. If you find yourself comparing the person in front of you to your lost love you may need to talk to other people—friends, family, or a therapist. Grieving is not a project that is ever complete. Grief will return. But you do need to spare the new person from feeling that he can't live up to the past or must make it up to you if you had an unhappy marriage. Your new date wants to see enthusiasm and openness to a new shared world.

Be observant of important differences. You are likely to encounter people who have been divorced or single for big chunks of their lives. That experience is quite different from yours, especially if you married young. Don't assume they're not as good at relationships as you are. They may have gained wisdom over the years.

Single people develop their own ways of coping. They might be unusually attached to a pet, for example, or an adult child. They may work every weekend or vacation with friends. That's not going to change overnight, and perhaps it shouldn't. Any challenges may be an opportunity for you to grow. But remember not to accept any circumstances that make you feel drained, anxious, morally compromised, or even just bored. You may fear being alone but enduring an unsatisfactory relationship will reinforce that fear. Face it instead.

Look at Love With New Eyes

The habits and attitudes that worked in your marriage may be invaluable in your new relationship, however, don't assume that you know all you need to know. For example, you may have been the primary breadwinner for decades. A new person who is financially independent requires a different approach. Let's say she's in a hard place financially. Do you really want to step in and clean it up? You may, but think things through carefully. She may have different values. Divorced people have often had individual or couples therapy, which can be helpful. If you skipped all that, you might think about talking to a professional about problems you had in your marriage so you can see your own contribution.

If you do form a serious bond with a new person, it's still a good idea to honor your loss by noting anniversaries and birthdays and allowing the memory to be present at family gatherings and holidays. It's just fine to keep your loved one's photos in your home and speak of them. Balance that out by expressing daily appreciation and interest in your new love. Your new partner ideally is secure enough in herself and your bond to understand that those years have helped make you who you are. They didn't vanish when your spouse passed.

Children from previous marriages are a wild card. Ideally, everyone will accept the new situation and look for ways to enjoy time together. But it may also be necessary to keep your family lives separate for some time if any personalities clash.

The bottom line: If you liked being married, you may very well like it again the next time. Just don't expect things to be the same.