How Does Internet Porn Shape Romantic Life?

Online porn is reshaping romance and redefining intimacy.

Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Key points

• Internet pornography is shaping sexual attitudes and behaviors.
• Overexposure may diminish sexual satisfaction in real life by setting unrealistic expectations for intimacy.
• Studies link heavy use to relational challenges, including reduced trust and increased feelings of betrayal.

Internet pornography is a pervasive and wide-reaching technology, growing at a breathtaking rate. It is a $13 billion-a-year industry in the U.S. Nine out of 10 boys in America are exposed to it before the age of 18, and men are five times more likely to be users than women. Over a quarter of a billion people use mobile porn sites worldwide.

With such an enormous audience, it is not possible to make generalizations about whether internet pornography is inherently "good" or "bad." Clearly, it’s a matter of perspective. Some reviews of literature and evidence have linked pornography consumption with positive effects such as increased sexual knowledge and more liberal sexual attitudes. But how else does it shape our intimate relationships?

Despite evidence of some positive aspects of porn use, it’s essential to recognize that its effects vary widely across individuals and relationships. Just as porn may serve as a tool for sexual education and exploration, it may also contribute to unrealistic expectations or, in some cases, relational distress. Understanding both the potential benefits and pitfalls can help individuals and couples make more informed choices.

Some argue that internet pornography could be warping ideas about sex and relationships, and there is also scientific evidence to support this view. Links between pornography consumption and intimate relationship challenges (although data are typically biased towards heterosexual, monogamous relationships) are well established.

Pornography consumption has been associated with increased marital distress, risk of separation, decreased romantic intimacy and sexual satisfaction, a higher chance of infidelity, and compulsive sexual behavior. However, this does not automatically imply that internet pornography causes such relational difficulties. Pornography consumption may equally be caused by them.

Supernormal Stimulus Theory: When the Virtual Trumps Reality

But if porn consumption does dampen romantic intimacy, then it will be important to understand how. Harvard psychology professor Deirdre Barrett has suggested that internet pornography is a version of what scientists call a “supernormal stimulus"—that is, an artificial exaggeration of the environmental factors from which we have naturally evolved to become sexually aroused.

The “supernormal stimulus” theory suggests that exaggerated or artificial stimuli can trigger heightened instinctual responses, often at the expense of normal ones. Just as some animals are drawn to exaggerated versions of natural cues, such as larger-than-life eggs or food, humans may also find themselves more intensely stimulated by the highly curated and exaggerated scenarios presented in internet porn. Over time, this could train the brain to respond more strongly to virtual stimuli than to real-life, intimate experiences, reshaping how people experience arousal and attraction.

Instinctive behavior across a range of species can be hijacked when researchers create supernormal versions of normal stimuli. For example, while a female bird’s natural instinct is to nurture her small, speckled eggs, she will abandon them when presented with the option of larger, more heavily patterned artificial exaggerations of her eggs. Over time, she will lose interest completely in the normal eggs, as though her instinct toward them has been overridden by the supernormal ones.

In a similar (but more complex) way, internet pornography offers users a supernormal sexual experience. On one level, they become aroused by watching supernormal bodies having supernormal sex. On another level, they become accustomed to selecting these supernormal, virtual experiences from seemingly infinite options and have the possibility to refine, replay, pause, and rewind these virtual sexual experiences at will.

Psychologists have also identified that typical pornographic scripts propagate and overemphasize features like the idea that women (and men) have insatiable sexual appetites, the glamorization of sexual novelty, and sex outside of romantic relationships. Such narratives tend also to marginalize affection, intimacy, or expressions of love in sexual encounters.

Recent analyses of 50 bestselling adult films also suggested that objectification and lack of empathetic concern for women’s feelings or welfare were an overrepresented norm. Of 304 scenes analyzed in the study, almost half contained verbal aggression, and over 88% contained physical aggression. Most of these aggressive acts were perpetrated by men, and the most common responses by the female recipients were either of pleasure or neutrality. In short, the authors argued that pornographic “reality” in such movies was a reality devoid of empathic concern for women.

Are There Hidden Costs?

The ways in which family and relational life can be affected can be very powerful too. A paper by sex therapist Paula Hall outlines the following typical case:

Tim was a 36-year-old man, married with two children aged one and three. He initially presented with erectile dysfunction but a detailed assessment revealed that he had no problems with erections to pornography which he was now accessing most evenings for three or four hours at a time.
He was very aware that his pornography use was getting in the way of him having sex with his wife and realized he’d got himself into a Catch-22. Watching increasingly hard-core porn was making him feel numb when having sex with his wife, but because sex with his wife was now so difficult, he was watching even more porn. In fact, the only times he could get an erection with his wife now was if he fantasized about porn which left him feeling guilty and distant from her.

Dampened responses to normal sex can result in intense feelings of guilt for users when sex with their partner isn’t as arousing as supernormal sex. There can also be attempts by users to make normal sex supernormal, either through fantasy or by manipulating reality.

Studies have documented a deep-rooted breakdown in trust and attachment, connected to the fact that partners frequently their significant other's pornography consumption as a deceptive form of betrayal and infidelity. In the above study, a woman described her husband’s use of pornography as indiscriminate, virtual philandering and said that she felt like “he’s had a million affairs.”

Ultimately, as cultural anthropologist Mizuko Ito has suggested, “We have created these technologies but it’s not obvious how they evolve in and shape our culture.” Paradoxically, as connecting as technology may be, it is vital that we also understand and debate its role in creating and exacerbating disconnection.