Rewriting Your Trauma Story

Finding balance between blaming and healing after personal trauma.

Reviewed by Tyler Woods

Key points

• Trauma doesn’t define you; your mind plays a key role in your recovery and well-being.
• Shifting from victimhood to agency promotes healing, resilience, and resolution.
• Blame won’t help you get better; focus on your power to regain emotional stability.

Historically, individuals with emotional struggles were often blamed for their conditions. It’s easy to see the blame built into terms like "self-sabotage," "resistance," and "attention-seeking," which carry implicit accusations of consciously self-defeating behavior and moral deficiency.

More progressive approaches have sought to move past this. We’ve largely destigmatized mental health issues by understanding behaviors and reactions as consequences of our nervous system functioning.

However, when discussing trauma, it seems that the pendulum has swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. Today, a traumatized individual, or even someone who has gone through an experience considered traumatic, is immediately given the status of a "victim" and treated as if they play no role in their emotional issues following the experience.

Trauma attribution seems to have shifted from “everything is your fault” to “nothing is your fault.” But this overlooks how important it is to feel a sense of agency over your own well-being.

It is true that the way the nervous system reacts after feeling threatened affects several bodily functions and can leave individuals feeling unsettled, fearful, and lacking control over their emotional responses. However, these changes are not meant to be permanent or last indefinitely. They're protective responses, similar to developing mucus during a flu attack, and don’t necessarily make someone a victim in the long run.

The historical stigma that once made people feel blamed is, thankfully, gone for good. However, it’s important to emphasize the role of personal agency in the healing process and trauma resolution. Feeling like a victim can lead individuals to feel more helpless and overly dependent on external circumstances, which in turn drains their resilience and reduces their sense of agency. These characteristics, along with what I refer to as '"internal traumatizing agents" in my book Traumatization and Its Aftermath, can keep the system traumatized long after the external threat has passed.

These agents (distortions, defeat, shame, rumination, etc.) signal to the brain that it must continue operating in an ineffective, extreme, and damaging way, attempting to protect against a danger that may, at this point, exist only in the mind of the 'victim.' There is, however, much that the traumatized individual can do to mitigate this harm and reclaim control over their functioning.

The Role of Misinformation

You may have noticed a growing tendency to attribute many of our struggles and emotional ups and downs to how our parents or caregivers may have failed to meet our needs during infancy. Additionally, it’s becoming common for authors to attribute emotional struggles to uncomfortable comments, unsolicited directives, rigid rules, hardship, or non-consensual actions experienced by individuals, labeling all of these circumstances as 'trauma' without first investigating whether the symptoms are natural emotional reactions to unavoidable challenges, or if there are actual lasting consequences.

The shift towards "nothing is your fault" may stem from an overemphasis on the traumatic event itself or on the several myths that have emerged, like those suggesting that almost anything can constitute trauma, that everyone is affected by traumatic experiences, or that our systems rarely bounce back. This misinformation and the tendency to over-pathologize life occurrences can foster a victim mentality, keeping individuals stuck in dysfunctional patterns.

How to Rewrite Your Trauma Story

While traumatic events may influence our thoughts and behaviors, they do not have to dictate our outlook on life. By understanding the role our mind, thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs play in how our nervous system responds, we can take proactive steps toward emotional stability. Here are some concepts that can help us learn how.

Attribution: Assigning blame or seeking external validation for emotional pain does little to help our system return to equilibrium. While it's natural to want acknowledgment, relying solely on external sources to rectify internal struggles can leave us feeling powerless. The "nothing is your fault" mentality can contribute to strained relationships. The truth lies somewhere in between. Acknowledging trauma and its impacts is essential, but so is recognizing our own capacity for growth and change. The brain wants to go back to equilibrium but needs our collaboration. Taking responsibility for our health and emotional stability is to our benefit; finding someone to blame is not. It’s more effective to focus on what we can do to help ourselves feel safer rather than trying to eliminate whatever or whomever we assume could threaten us.

The “victim” schema: When a specific reaction or thought is repeated over and over—such as believing that you are 'doomed' or 'broken'—the brain creates lasting patterns of thought and behavior. Over time, our brain may shift into believing that we are damaged or helpless, causing us to view ourselves and our relationships through a lens of fear, mistrust, or hopelessness. The solution is to become aware that what we repeatedly tell ourselves can shape our reality. Practicing positive and hopeful self-talk allows our brain to believe in better possibilities, rather than reinforcing the worst.

Rehearsing traumatic memories: One of the most significant ways our minds keep us stuck in trauma is through the persistent replay of painful memories. The more we remember them, the more intrusive they become, affecting our thoughts, emotions, and reactions long after the traumatic event has passed. The mind may cling to these memories, creating a cycle of re-experiencing that reinforces the sense of victimhood. To break this cycle, it’s important to remember that the past is the past, and we are the architects of our future. Focusing on the present and our ability to shape what comes next helps shift the narrative from one of victimhood to one of hope and possibilities.

Distorted Sense of Self: The belief that trauma defines us can also hinder our mental health. When we identify too closely with adversity or emotional injuries, we risk losing sight of our strengths, resilience, and capacity for growth. This mindset can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where we unconsciously cancel our efforts to feel safe because we believe we are unworthy of happiness or recovery. To counter this, we can rehearse past moments when we overcame obstacles, imagine ways to protect ourselves in the future, and envision actions that make us feel safer, more competent, and more engaged.

Acknowledging the power of our thoughts allows us to challenge the negative beliefs and cognitive distortions that keep us in a state of suffering, paving the way for a more empowered and resilient future.