WWE SmackDown Review: Gingerbread Man Rises from the Grave

Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Gingerbread Man Rises from the Grave

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown, where Jacob Fatu threatened arson, Jade Cargill returned, and Lil Yachty rose from a Gingerbread Man's casket. Lil Yeasty?

Published Sat, 09 May 2026 13:37:09 -0500
by El Presidente
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Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the rooftop infinity pool of my newly acquired safehouse in the mountains of an undisclosed Caribbean nation, where Esteban the capybara is currently floating on a swan-shaped pool toy and sipping a piña colada through a very tiny straw. Last night's WWE SmackDown aired from the VyStar Veterans Memorial Arena in Jacksonville, Florida, and it was the final stop on the road to WWE Backlash in Tampa. There were funerals, there were betrayals, there was a rapper inside a casket, and there was a Samoan threatening to commit arson against his own family tree. In other words, comrades, it was a perfectly normal Friday night.

In Memory of Ted Turner

Before WWE SmackDown even began, WWE aired an "In Memory" graphic for Ted Turner, the man who once vowed to put Vince McMahon out of business and very nearly succeeded before the bourgeoisie regrouped. A graphic, comrades. That is what they gave him. Meanwhile, over on AEW Dynamite, Sting and Tony Schiavone dedicated a full opening segment to the man. I once shared a hot air balloon with Ted Turner and Jane Fonda over the plains of Mongolia, and Ted told me, "El Presidente, never trust a corporation who won't at least give you a ten-bell salute." Well, Ted, you got the graphic and nothing more. Rest in power, comrade media mogul. For a billionaire capitalist pig, you were one of the good ones.

Jacob Fatu Threatens to Burn Down the Family Tree

SmackDown opened with Jacob Fatu declaring that nobody is trying to protect him from Roman Reigns — they are trying to protect Roman from him. Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso tried to talk sense into him, which is rich coming from the two men who have switched sides more times than my Minister of Defense during the cabinet reshuffles of '04. Fatu then threatened to burn the family tree down if anyone interfered, which is, I must say, a more aggressive opening promo than even I delivered at my third inauguration. The Samoan Werewolf is operating on pure revolutionary fervor, comrades, and I am here for it.

Ricky Saints and Matt Cardona Cross Paths

Backstage, Ricky Saints told Nick Aldis that after going toe-to-toe with QB1, he now had to face QB4. Matt Cardona interrupted and made it clear he was not there to pass any torches. Comrades, "QB4" is the kind of insult that wounds a man down to his bones. I once called Augusto Pinochet "the JV team" at a dinner party in 1989, and he did not speak to me for six years. Words have power!

Tiffany Stratton Retains Over Kiana James

Tiffany Stratton defeated Kiana James to retain the Women's United States Championship in her first defense. Giulia was at ringside helping Kiana, but the two of them got along about as well as my generals during the Great Wine Cellar Dispute of 2011. Giulia distracted the referee at exactly the wrong moment, Tiffany dispatched her, then hit the rolling senton and the Prettiest Moonsault Ever for the win. Esteban was pleased. Tiffy Time continues, comrades.

The Gingerbread Man Memorial Begins

Backstage, multiple wrestlers were dressed in black, mourning the Gingerbread Man, who was lying in an open casket. Sami Zayn asked Aldis if WWE was being serious. Aldis said people needed time to grieve. R-Truth handed Sami a rose. Comrades, this was the most dignified state funeral I have witnessed since the time Muammar Gaddafi insisted on being buried with his entire tent collection. We salute you, baked comrade.

Damian Priest Falls to Talla Tonga

Talla Tonga defeated Damian Priest after Tama Tonga and Solo Sikoa distracted Priest, R-Truth ran out despite being told to stay in the back, and Priest had to save Truth instead of finishing the match. Talla hit a chokeslam for the win, and the MFTs swarmed until Royce Keys made the save. Solo, curiously, held off the MFTs from attacking Keys. Comrades, this is the classic dictator playbook — recruit the strongman before your rival does. I tried this with Steven Seagal in 1998. It did not work, but the dinner was lovely.

Cody Rhodes Stares Down Gunther

Paul Heyman handed Aldis a contract that officially brought Gunther to SmackDown, with a title match against Cody Rhodes set for Clash in Italy. Heyman said he owed Gunther a favor for handling Seth Rollins at WrestleMania. Gunther tried to sneak-attack Cody, but Cody fought him off and told him that on SmackDown, he is easy to find and hard to beat. A bold statement, comrades, and one I have used myself many times when the CIA has come knocking. Spoiler: I am, in fact, very hard to find.

Ricky Saints Defeats Matt Cardona

Ricky Saints picked up his first SmackDown win over Matt Cardona with the Revolution DDT followed by the Roshambo. A clean, decisive victory, comrades. The kind of result that makes you say, "Yes, this is a man who could lead a small breakaway republic."

Paige, Brie Bella, and the Tag Title Logjam

WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Paige and Brie Bella called out Judgment Day for labeling them has-beens, but were instead interrupted by Fatal Influence and then The Irresistible Forces, Nia Jax and Lash Legend, who laid the champions out. Rhea Ripley arrived for the staredown. Comrades, this is what we call in geopolitics "a queue forming at the embassy." Take a number, ladies.

Jade Cargill Returns to Cost the Babyfaces

Fatal Influence defeated Rhea Ripley, Charlotte Flair, and Alexa Bliss when Jade Cargill returned and pulled Rhea off the apron, allowing Jacy Jayne to hit the Rolling Encore on Alexa for the pin. Afterward, Jade, Michin, and B-Fab jumped the babyface trio. Comrades, I have not seen a coup this clean since I orchestrated my own back in '83. Bravo, Jade. Bravo.

Royce Keys Defeats Tama Tonga

Royce Keys defeated Tama Tonga with the Ultimate Spinebuster after Solo Sikoa repeatedly stopped Talla Tonga from interfering. Backstage afterward, Shinsuke Nakamura approached Tama and told him he was disappointed, prompting Talla to warn Nakamura away. Comrades, the geopolitical chess board of the MFTs is becoming more complex than the Treaty of Versailles. I love it.

Danhausen Attempts to Clone Himself

Danhausen, after being mocked by The Miz and Kit Wilson, attempted to clone himself in a backstage laboratory. The experiment failed. I once funded a similar program in my country's basement laboratories, comrades, and I will tell you, the results are never quite what you hope for. The CIA has files on this. Probably.

The Gingerbread Man Funeral, Featuring Lil Yachty

Trick Williams closed SmackDown with a full funeral for the Gingerbread Man — open casket, flowers, choir, ceremonial milk, AI-generated memoriam video, the whole works. Sami Zayn interrupted to complain that the closing of SmackDown used to mean something and that this funeral must have cost a fortune, declaring himself a working-class hero. Comrades, I will say this — Sami is not entirely wrong about the bourgeois excess on display, but a true working-class hero would have at least eaten the cookie. Sami attacked Trick, but the Gingerbread Man rose from the casket and revealed himself to be Lil Yachty, who beat Sami with a candy cane while Trick hit the Trick Shot. I once attended a state funeral in Pyongyang where the deceased turned out to be very much alive and also a rapper, so this all tracked for me.

In a SmackDown online exclusive, Danhausen was shown stealing the Gingerbread Man outfit, which means he is now either the new Gingerbread Man, the new tag partner, or possibly the new Lil Yachty. Time will tell, comrades.

Final Thoughts

This was a fun final stop on the road to WWE Backlash, comrades. Jacob Fatu is a man possessed, Cody Rhodes and Gunther have ignited a slow-burning war, Jade Cargill is back and has renewed her feud with Rhea Ripley, and a B-list rapper rose from a coffin to assault Sami Zayn with confectionary weaponry. WWE SmackDown remains, against all odds and despite the capitalist excess of Nick Khan and Triple H, a beautifully strange product. Esteban gives it three out of four capybara paws, deducting one paw because nobody offered him any of that ceremonial milk.

Until next time, comrades — viva la lucha libre, and viva la revolución!

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