Counsellor: Christmas isn't always merry - here's how to protect your mental health

CHRISTMAS IS OFTEN presented as a season of joy, connection, and celebration. We see images of smiling families, beautifully decorated homes, and perfectly prepared dinners, all suggesting that the festive period should be uncomplicated and blissful. But behind these idealised images, many people experience something far more complex.

Stress, loneliness, unresolved family dynamics, financial pressures, and the ache of missing loved ones can make Christmas one of the most emotionally challenging times of the year. If you find this season difficult, you’re far from alone – and simply acknowledging that truth is an important act of self-compassion.

As a psychotherapist, I see every year how Christmas can stir conflicting feelings. For some, it’s a time of warmth and connection; for others, it brings grief, tension, or a sense of falling short. Many people experience a mixture of both — moments of joy woven together with moments of sadness or overwhelm.

This year will be my own family’s first Christmas without our lovely Mum, and her absence sits heavily beneath the preparations.

Pretending otherwise, or striving for a perfect day, would only add to the emotional weight. Allowing sadness, longing, and whatever feelings arise gives us room to breathe, whereas pushing them aside in pursuit of the idealised holiday only heightens stress.

‘Good enough’ is great

Christmas tends to intensify what is already happening in our lives. When things are going well, it can feel magical. When life is difficult, the season can cast a sharper light on those struggles.

One of the greatest pressures we face is the myth of perfection: the glossy, curated images of harmonious gatherings that rarely reflect real family life. Most homes don’t resemble a Hallmark card — nor should they. Christmas is busy, messy, emotional, and human.

I remember when I was a child, we didn’t get the tree until the 22nd of December. Over time, everything has shifted earlier and earlier, and with that shift the pressure has grown. People are tired, children are overstimulated, something burns in the oven, someone says the wrong thing, and financial stress creeps in.

Many of us slip back into familiar childhood roles the moment we walk into the family home. 

Embracing the idea of a “good enough” Christmas is liberating.

Borrowing from Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “good enough mother,” we can give ourselves permission to be human rather than perfect. A good enough Christmas is warm, imperfect, flexible, and real. 

Feeling our feelings

Difficult emotions often feel sharper in December. Grief can feel heavier, and the empty chair at the table becomes more noticeable. Allowing those feelings to surface, and sharing them with someone trusted, lessens the burden. No one needs to pretend to be happy simply because it’s Christmas. Honesty is far kinder to ourselves than forced cheerfulness.

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Family dynamics can also intensify at this time of year. Christmas has a remarkable ability to pull people back into old familial roles. The confident adult can suddenly feel like the criticised teenager; long-settled tensions resurface with surprising force.

Transactional Analysis offers a helpful framework here: we cycle between Parent, Adult, and Child states. Under stress, many drift into the Child — reactive, defensive, over-sensitive. A brief pause to ask, “Which part of me is speaking right now?” can help restore the grounded Adult self.

Minding ourselves

At the same time, self-care often slips during the festive rush, yet it is essential for resilience. Maintaining regular sleep, nourishment, movement, and quiet moments can help keep us steady. A walk, a swim, or even ten minutes alone can make a significant difference.

Our nervous systems work harder in December.

Noise, late nights, alcohol, crowded spaces, and heightened emotion activate the body’s stress response. Grounding techniques — feeling the floor beneath your feet, slowing your breath, placing a hand on your chest, stepping outside for air — can regulate the nervous system and restore a sense of calm.

Connection is another protective factor. Even brief interactions — a cup of tea with a friend, a short call, a walk — can ease loneliness. Positive psychology highlights the importance of social connection, mindfulness, and self-compassion. Kristin Neff’s work reminds us to treat ourselves with kindness rather than criticism, especially during periods of stress. 

The power of saying no (or not right now)

Financial pressure is another challenging burden at Christmas. Costs add up quickly, and the pressure to buy the latest or best gifts can feel immense. Setting a realistic budget protects both wellbeing and peace of mind. Meaningful gifts are often simple rather than expensive. A Christmas within your means is not a lesser Christmas; it is a healthier one.

There is also pressure to attend everything, meet everyone, and be constantly available. It is perfectly okay to say no, or to postpone catch-ups until after Christmas. Healthy boundaries are not unkind; they are essential for emotional balance.

Getting help

If the season becomes overwhelming, support is available. The IACP website has a “Find a Therapist” tool to help anyone who may need professional guidance.

Finally, beneath the noise and commercialism, Christmas still offers something meaningful. For many people, spiritual or religious traditions shape the heart of the season. For others, it is a moment to pause, reflect, and gently acknowledge the year gone by.

Rather than striving for an unattainable ideal, we might create new traditions or simply slow down enough to notice small moments of joy. The season can be an opportunity to reconnect with simple pleasures and honour what truly matters. Gratitude, kindness, and connection cost nothing yet hold real value.

Christmas can be a time of renewal — a quiet moment to shed what no longer serves us and create space for new possibilities. It can offer closure, a chance to check in with others, and an invitation to rest. Christmas does not need to be perfect to be meaningful. It does not have to be cheerful to be real. With compassion, gentle expectations, and kindness toward ourselves and those around us, we can move through the season with more ease and far less pressure.

Christopher Place is leas cathaoirleach of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and is an accredited counsellor and psychotherapist.

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