Parenting parents

A role reversal wrought by time

Sleepless nights, changing diapers, nebulisation, giving medicines at odd hours, helping with walks, comparing notes with people who with similar experiences… all are back after two decades. My wife and I are experiencing parenthood once again; only that it’s not a child but one of our parents. It’s similar and yet so different.

Old age is “second childishness and mere oblivion”. As he cuddles himself when sleeping, the skin gone so soft that even the roughness of the bed-sheet can create sores, takes time to understand your simple instructions for opening his mouth, looks with vacuous eyes when unable to remember things, gets irritated and just refuses to follow instructions, one cannot but think of a baby. But then it’s so difficult to make yourself believe that though he is a grown-up, you are dealing actually with a child.

We still tend to consider him strong as we have been seeing him since childhood and find it hard to accept that he has suddenly become frail. It’s so difficult to forget that only some time ago you were counting on his advice for everything. His voice had authority and you still looked towards him for guidance at times though you had grown up to be a man of the world. You can shout and express anger at your child if it doesn’t do your bidding but you are unable to bring yourself to shout at him; you simply can’t. You have to cajole and persuade somehow to get past his obduracy. Then he is physically much large and heavy. You can lift a child and bathe it and change clothes, but in the case of an elderly man, making him sit and holding him steady is a task in itself.

As I undergo this experience, I muse on the wider picture of geriatrics in our country.

While India has the highest number of young people, society is rapidly ageing. The current elderly population of 153 million (aged 60 and above) is expected to reach a staggering 347 million by 2050, says a UNFPA report.

As the birth rate gets lower and the life expectancy higher, the number of elderly is bound to grow; but we do not have the support structure for this huge population.

The specialised medical support system for the elderly is conspicuous by its absence. Paediatricians abound but geriatricians are simply non-existent even in big cities. Geriatric departments are a rarity in the medical colleges in our country. People don’t even realise that the elderly and younger adults are not the same, but are as different as a child is from an adult.

The nuclear families are the order of the day, and the moving of children away from home for work leaves the elderly forlorn and susceptible to illnesses related to mental health. Diseases such as Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s are becoming so common among the elderly but people are simply not aware of them.

The social support system for the elderly, particularly in urban areas, is practically non-existent where they can fulfill their emotional, psychological and socialising needs. The need for socialising is so strong that I remember my father wanted to visit the bank on the first of every month not for withdrawal of money as such, but to meet his retired colleagues.

We all are ageing every day and it isn’t very long when we shall be in the state in which our parents are. It’s high time society and the system as a whole got concerned about its elderly citizenry. Let not the opening line of Yeats’ poem Sailing to Byzantium (written in a different context though) ring in our minds: “That is no country for old men.”

skandshukla@yahoo.com

Published - September 22, 2024 01:30 am IST