Column | Invent a word

A new column from someone who doesn’t let the dictionary define what’s going on in his (or your) life

The problem is simple: there aren’t enough English words to adequately describe the things that happen in the lives of busy professionals in the 21st century, like you and me.

Everyday people like us achieve goals, set landmarks, and upset the status quo. Some of us, usually Malayalis, are even destroying stereotypes.

But the English language is lagging far behind, much like the lunch service on a flight where you’re starving after a light breakfast. The cabin crew starts serving from the back of the aircraft, and now one passenger is arguing because he specifically requested South Indian non-veg but received Tandoori Chicken instead. Now even the pilot is involved, trying to explain that the chicken itself is actually from Chennai, so actually his request has been satisfied.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh yes—there aren’t enough words in English.

The solution? Equally simple. This column. Each fortnight, this writer will make a convincing case for the addition of a new word to the English lexicon—a word that will capture the zeitgeist, encapsulate our modern reality, and enrich our contemporary conversation.

Early signs

I want to start by addressing one very common trend I have seen on platforms such as LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, and Vadukut Extended Family. 

The phenomenon I am referring to is a particular class of people who respond to you in a certain way when you tell them you’ve achieved something praiseworthy. Perhaps you’ve cleared an exam, got a promotion at work, started a new job, just returned from a foreign holiday, or completed a challenging physical activity.

The moment you post updates about this achievement online or on your family WhatsApp group, or your alumni WhatsApp group, or your apartment building WhatsApp group, many people will immediately respond with kudos.

The vast majority of these people are, of course, sincere. It is not these people that I refer to.

I am also not referring to those reprobates who reply nicely purely for self-serving purposes. Perhaps they are your employees trying to butter you up so you don’t get upset and fling flaming scooters at them. Or they are potential employees seeking to fast-track their way into a job interview.

No, I am specifically referring to those well-wishers who are secretly seething with jealousy at your achievements. Instead of ignoring your updates, they make it a point to reply. At first glance, their response might seem innocuous, even sincere.

But look closely, and you will see the real spots on the jealous well-wishing leopard.

For instance, imagine you’ve just completed a marathon. You post a photo of yourself standing by the finish line with a medal, a water bottle, an exasperated spouse, and other such items.

Suddenly, a guy from your secondary school, whom you last met when Yugoslavia was still a country, leaves a response: “Well done Sidin! Why did you run so much? Uber wasn’t available? Ha ha ha. I am truly impressed. When you came last in the 100 meters on Sports Day, I never imagined you would complete a marathon! Super proud! Please drop me a line if you’re ever in Singapore or San Francisco!”

You will be tempted to laugh at his response, leave a small thank you note, maybe even add a jaunty emoji.

But look closely, my friend, and you will see layer upon layer upon layer of jealousy that together forms a thick, flaky porotta of chicanery.

Quietly destruction

Your conniving correspondent has opened his message with a joke. It is a funny joke. But it is a blatant attempt to steal the thunder from your moment of glory. Secondly, for no reason whatsoever, he brings up a humiliating moment from your past but tries to make it sound like a casual comment. If that is a casual comment, then the Taj Mahal is a PWD project. This deceit is meant to cut you down to size while telling everybody else how you once made a fool of yourself.

Finally, it ends with a masterstroke of jealousy. Your “friend” is now trying to tell you that he/she is better than you because they are some sort of NRI, OCI, PIO type who is settled overseas.

Their whole response is absolute shenanigans.

How do we refer to people like this who seem well-meaning but are actually looking to undermine you?

Therefore, the first new word we will coin is “Jelwisher.”

Jelwisher

/ˈdʒɛlwɪʃər/

noun

plural: jelwishers

Definition: A person who outwardly expresses well-wishes but whose underlying motivation is envy or jealousy, subtly undermining or belittling the person they’re addressing.

Example sentence:

“I am happy to announce myself as President Elect of the United States, surrounded by so many supporters, party workers, and jelwishers.”

Have you spotted any jelwishers in your life? Please write to us immediately.

The writer is head of talent at Clarisights. He lives in London and is currently working on a new novel. 

Published - November 01, 2024 10:00 am IST