The Best Thing a Friend Did For Me After My Mother Passed

From the COLlive Inbox: It’s been two months since I lost my mother, and I would like to share a few points for those people who have never experienced this, yet may have people in their lives who are going through it.

It’s been two months since I lost my mother, and I would like to share a few points for those people who have never experienced this, yet may have people in their lives who are going through it.

Firstly, for some reason people are scared to send the person a message or give them a call (if you’re one of those people who still calls in 2026). They have the notion that the person is far removed or whatever. The person isn’t scary. They’re the same person as before, but now they’re broken. Send them a message. They may never respond. They might turn off blue checks on WhatsApp. Send the message.

What to say in the message: Just show support. Don’t say “let me know if you need anything”. While this might sound nice, if you’re living in South Africa while the person is in New York, it doesn’t help them to see this. If you’re not close with them from before, they’re not gonna reach out. Even if you are close with them, they’re not gonna reach out. Find out or think about what they need and just do it. (My mother passed away early Friday morning. A close friend immediately said he’s coming over with breakfast. He showed up 20 minutes later with a bagel and an iced coffee. He forced me to eat it. My mind wasn’t on food. I had no appetite. I didn’t think I needed it. Four hours later it hit me, whoa, he saved me. He didn’t just say “I’m here if you need anything”. He acted.)

In the message, writing BDE is fine, but writing it out in full is slightly more meaningful. Saying “I was saying Tehillim for them” is very nice. Again, it’s all about the support. There really are no words to say. The whole thing is beyond words. You can say “sending you love” “wishing you comfort and strength” “I’m davening and thinking about you” etc.

Many people will send a message in the beginning, but for the person, the loss is still very real for a long time. Sending that “random” message several months later simply tells the person “hey, we haven’t forgotten about you”.

Do not ask the person every day how they are doing. As a matter of fact, don’t ask them at all unless you plan on actually sitting there and being their therapist for a few minutes. While it might sound nice, think of it this way. The person is going through a lot. So many thoughts and questions and emotions. Asking them how they are doing could be frustrating to them because the answer is either “Thank G-d”, or a long rant about their feelings. Once again, it’s all about just being there and showing support. Support doesn’t mean giving advice or asking questions (in some cases it could but not in most). Support means just being there for them and letting them know they are on your mind.

If you bump into them, bringing up the topic by just saying that you’re thinking of them is fine. It’s either way on their mind. You’re not going to be triggering anything. If anything the person wants to know that you’re feeling their pain. Be aware however, some people may respond by closing up and being non-receptive to your comment. That’s just their way of grieving. They themselves are trying to figure this out.

It’s also extremely important to recognize that the person really wants to live a regular normal life with regular interactions. Very likely they have no interest in discussing this topic with you, especially if you’re not so close. Once you’ve made it clear that you’re thinking of them, don’t bring it up again. Just interact with them as you usually would.

Something to be cognizant of when sending a message or making a comment. People can often tell when it’s genuine or when you’re saying it to be polite but don’t actually mean it. Don’t feel obligated to send a message. Remember, the goal is support. The goal is not to flood the person’s WhatsApp account with ingenuine messages because you read in an article that you need to send messages every week.

If you are a close friend, you have an obligation and a duty to really be there for the person. That could mean making an effort to spend some time with them or take them on an outing, and not mention anything about this topic. Having that attention and social life could be massive. Again, the person really desires to live a normal life with regular interactions. Being there for a friend could also mean that the person knows they have someone with a listening ear who they could talk to. Sometimes they need a response, but often times they just need to feel like they are heard and validated.

And finally, going and getting the person dinner one night, sending them a bar of chocolate, or legitimately finding out what they need could be absolutely huge. It’s not even so much about what you get them or if they need it or not, but it’s a matter of you went through that extra effort to support them. It could be that if you go over and offer to do the person’s laundry or wash their dishes (obviously depending on your relationship with them), it would make the person feel like a massive burden has been lifted off of them. It’s the small acts that make an impact. The person is broken. Very likely they are struggling to do even basic productive tasks. And even if not, it’s really all about letting the person know that there are people out there who legitimately care about them. The person knows it regardless, but when some time goes by with no active support, it could be a struggle for the person. Going and actually getting them something shows that active support.

Just a disclaimer: These are my personal feelings and experiences. Everyone will experience emotions differently.

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