Delay Shidduchim for Bochurim? We’re Asking the Wrong Question

Article by By Rabbi Dr. Dovid Brownstein: A recent article discussed whether bochurim should delay shidduchim or begin the process sooner. It failed to address one question.

By Rabbi Dr. Dovid Brownstein

A recent article on COLlive addressed the debated question of whether bochurim should delay shidduchim to continue learning or begin the process sooner.

One perspective held that yeshivos should support a bochur’s learning and not pressure him before he is “ready.” The other maintained that building a Jewish home and going on shlichus to make this world a home for Hashem are of paramount importance and should not be postponed.

What the discussion failed to address, however, is the central question: what does it actually mean to be ready?

Is a bochur ready for marriage once he is satisfied with the number of years he has spent in yeshiva? Is he ready once he has decided to go on shlichus or decided not to? What is readiness for a bochur who doesn’t fit the yeshiva and shlichus mold? Readiness, on honest reflection, is far more nuanced than any of these markers suggest. It is not determined by age, by where a bochur stands in “the system,” or by whether he has a shlichus plan in place.

True readiness for shidduchim requires a fundamental shift in mindset, a genuine preparation for an entirely new role in life. A married man carries responsibilities that differ greatly from those of a bochur, and none is more consequential than being a husband in the fullest sense. A husband is far more than a provider, a leader, a partner, or a friend. He is a man who has reunited with the woman who completes him and whom he completes because they are, in fact, two parts of the same unit. Just as a bochur invests years learning chassidus in order to cultivate a conscious, personal relationship with Hashem, he must similarly invest in learning how to build his marriage. After all, the relationship between husband and wife is the one that most closely mirrors that divine bond.

To return to that state of unity requires intentional preparation across every dimension: spiritual, emotional, psychological, attitudinal, relational, and financial. The years a bochur spends immersed in Torah, nigleh and chassidus, and in continuous spiritual self-improvement lay the essential foundation of the man he is becoming. That foundation is irreplaceable and deserves the full, undivided attention it demands. But to assume that preparation ends there is a mistake, and potentially a costly one.

Even as husband and wife are two parts of the same unit, actualizing what a marriage is meant to be requires immense, ongoing work — work that should begin before a bochur ever goes on his first date and that continues every single day of married life. A bochur should understand what it means to begin living with and for his wife and family. He should understand the internal changes this demands and come to genuinely appreciate their importance. He should develop the skills to provide emotional safety and security, to communicate with depth and clarity, and to share himself openly and vulnerably with his future wife. He should also become aware of habits and tendencies that, left unexamined, can quietly undermine a healthy marriage.

Yeshiva is not the place where this preparation happens — not because yeshivos are falling short, but because it simply isn’t their role.

We owe it to our bochurim to provide not only the foundation of Torah study and spiritual growth, but preparation in every other dimension as well; above all, the emotional, psychological, and relational. Doing this well will require collaboration: parents, rabbonim, mashpiim, mental health professionals, chosson teachers, shadchanim, and the bochurim themselves all have a part to play. This will only succeed, however, if we actively normalize this preparation. When the people a bochur trusts most treat emotional and relational readiness as a standard, expected part of preparing for marriage, bochurim will embrace it as the mark of someone who takes marriage seriously. Together, we can raise the bar for what we expect of our husbands-to-be — and give them the tools they need to build the healthy, thriving marriages that bring forth children who are nurtured, happy, and inspired by their Yiddishkeit.

—
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Brownstein is a licensed psychologist and the facilitator of the Beyond Breadwinning workshop, designed to help bochurim in shidduchim or chassanim prepare for marriage with confidence and clarity. For more information or to register for the upcoming workshop on May 17-18, visit beyondbreadwinning.com or email beyondbreadwinning@gmail.com.

Never Miss a Headline!

Sign up for the COLlive Daily News Roundup and never miss a story

Opt In

• I would like to receive the collive newsletter

Follow Us!