Time to end the silence

I GAVE this topic a lot of consideration before writing it, in view of it being a pretty horrid one.

I am also aware, though, that if we are to go forward, these difficult discussions are necessary.

I am reminded by several stories from women and individuals that there are many people out there who have experienced emotional and physical abuse, and who wish to be understood and supported.

Their existing stories should not go unheard, and they should not be allowed to suffer in silence or in isolation, especially during this ‘Domestic Violence Awareness Month’.

While it is not my place to discuss the personal details of these survivors, I can raise awareness of the seriousness of the problem and encourage my readers to be more understanding of one another and themselves.

As per the statistics, Sarawak ranks third amongst states, behind Selangor and Kedah, with 2,192 domestic violence (DV) cases recorded between 2020 to August 2023.

Also keep in mind that these figures only represent occurrences that were reported; many people still deal with DV in silence and receive no assistance.

DV is universal. It can happen to everyone, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, or financial status.

It is also important for everyone to know that DV can take many different forms. It is not just physical, but it is also financial, emotional, sexual and social.

Although physical harm can seem like the most evident risk, DV also has serious emotional and psychological repercussions.

An abuser’s goal is to wear a victim down and keep them under control, and they do so by employing intimidation, guilt, humiliation and terror.

Relationships that are emotionally abusive can cause a person to feel hopeless and alone, ruin their sense of self-worth, as well as induce anxiety and depression.

It is unacceptable for anybody to go through this type of suffering, and understanding that the relationship is abusive is always the first step towards ending it.

I learned that abuse is a ‘cycle’, which is one important element about this topic. It is a cycle that may consist of several stages and develop from abuse that occurs once and will occur again.

A typical pattern of DV, particularly in intimate relationships, is for the abuser to exhibit periods of aggressive and abusive behaviours alternated with periods of apologetic and pleasant behaviours. Because of this, those who are experiencing DV may not always be aware that they are being abused.

The tension will firstly build up, with occurrence of verbal, emotional, social, or financial abuse. Following that, there will likely be violence when things start to escalate.

Afterwards, the abuser could experience remorse afterwards. This is when they attempt to justify their actions and sometimes even request forgiveness. They could provide an assurance that they will not do it again, or give the victim extra consideration or care.

Then, both individuals may go into what most people refer to as the ‘love bombing’ phase, in which the abuser presents and shows affection to the victim of their abuse.

This phase, in the majority of DV instances that I have seen, is the most dangerous because it makes both the abuser and the victim attempt to downplay the severity of the situation and even appear to forgive and forget the abuse.

The cycle then starts over.

Only when the victim voluntarily makes an effort to get out of the abusive relationship can the cycle be stopped. And when they do, they typically try to seek support and protection from trusted individuals.

Learning that a friend, relative, or neighbour has been abused or mistreated can be upsetting and you may not know what to do.

When someone confides in you about abuse, listen to what they have to say. Do not press them too hard; instead, give them space to speak, and tell them that they have done the right thing, and that it is not their fault.

I would advise not confronting the alleged abuser since doing so might put everyone involved at risk, especially if you are not a professional.

Alternatively, you could gather your resources, make the necessary plan, and inform the victim of what has to be done next.

It is possible that after reading this, some will criticise or judge those who are still stuck in the cycle of abuse, but my intention is not to make judgements; rather, I am writing to help anyone who has experienced something similar feel less alone, and to know that there never was anything wrong with them.

Also, I am writing for those who are open to listening to the reality about DV.

“Just leave that relationship immediately.”

“Just get a divorce.”

“Just stop returning to that person. What’s so hard about it?”

It is easy to criticise others for the judgements and choices they make, but it is hard to fully understand the extent individuals would go to in certain circumstances until we have been in their position.

Fear causes people to say and do foolish things and make bad choices.

People are unable to think properly or rationally because all they want to do is survive, and nobody is entitled to ridicule others for doing what they must in order to live.

A person’s life can be completely destroyed by abuse. It involves more than simply manipulation, control and fear; it also has an impact on a person’s behaviour and decision-making, reducing them to a shell of the person they used to be.

Our ability to empathise with them will increase if we understand it and the reasons behind their choices – and that is when their lives may begin to improve and they can gradually begin to make better choices.

I wrote this piece because I believe that more should be said regarding the topic covered in it. By being empathetic towards others, we enable them to develop the resilience to start again and turn their life around.

Never forget that victims need help leaving the abusive environment and by picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help someone in leaving such an environment and starting the healing process.

* The writer is a psychology graduate who enjoys sharing about how the human mind views the world. For feedback, email to priscarinast@theborneopost.com.