Follow These Tips for an Excellent First Date Experience

Remember That It’s Just a First Date

Dating is not what it used to be. If you would have told me a few years ago that we’d be in the middle of a “loneliness epidemic” and people would be clawing their way out by asking AI chatbots what to text a romantic interest—I probably would have looked at you sideways. But here we are. And as the landscape of dating changes, so do the unspoken “rules” we abide by—especially when it comes to the first date.

If you’ves made it out of the dating app purgatory of back-and-forth “WYDs” and managed to land a real, in-person first date, first of all: congratulations. Secondly, if it’s been a while for you, odds are you’re a little out of practice. And considering how different dating looks, I don’t blame you if you feel a little bit intimidated.

First date jitters are a good thing. But to ensure those feelings of nervousness are excited butterflies and not complete dread and indigestion, we tapped dating coaches and relationship experts to help give you an updated first date survival guide. And hopefully, if you take notes, you can use this guide for your second date too.

We’re inundated with the idea that “first impressions are everything,” but have you ever considered that it’s just a first date?

“A first date doesn't have to mean forever,” professional dating and love coach Taylor Carr tells Cosmopolitan. “Your job is to show up and have a great time with yourself, and get to know a new person.”

Once you take the pressure off of yourself (and honestly the other person), you’ll get to focus on what a first date is really for: having fun! If you relax, focus on the connection, and allow yourself to just be you, you’ll probably be happier with the results.

Have a Conversation, Not an Interview

Yes, you’re trying to gauge whether or not you have a connection with the person sitting in front of you. But it’ll feel less organic if you just start rapid-firing questions about where they grew up, how many siblings they have, and what childhood trauma they’d be bringing into a romantic relationship.

“Instead, ask questions that invite stories,” therapist and dating coach Kimmy Seltzer says. She suggests questions like “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?” and “What’s something spontaneous you’ve done recently?” But you want to make sure you’re not just moving on to the next question after you ask one.

“Insert yourself into the conversation,” she says. “Share your own related story, reaction or playful observation.”

This way, you can focus less on just the answers to your questions and more about the experience you have while talking to the other person.

Compliment Your Date

You know firsthand how much time, effort, thought, and feedback from the group chat goes into a first date look. So, it’s safe to assume that your date is doing something similar. That effort deserves to be recognized: so compliment them!

“Well placed compliments can totally change the whole energy of a date,” celebrity matchmaker and dating coach Alessandra Conti explains. “I always recommend one affirming physical compliment in the beginning (’Wow, you have such lovely eyes!’ or ‘Your smile is wonderful!’), followed by one character compliment more towards the end of the date: ‘You seem like you have a really strong character,’ or ‘Your passion and ambition are so inspiring!’”

Plus, that’ll probably open the door to you getting a compliment back, and who doesn’t love that?

Leave the Ex at Home

Listen, we’ve all been terrorized by some sort of past relationship—or situationship (or if you’re like me: both). But a first date is not the place to bring the energy of previous hurt or disappointment. Are people disappointing? Yes! Should you still give the person in front of you a fair shot at getting to know you? Absolutely!

“New date, new slate,” matchmaker Cassindy Chao says. “Everyone can feel when they are being measured against someone or some concept.”

At the end of the day, you’ll never enjoy the possibility of a fun, new connection if you’re hung up on how badly you were disappointed before. We all know that one guy who got his heart broken once when he was 15 and makes it every new partner’s problem. Don’t be that guy.

Stop Worrying If They Like You and Start Wondering If You Like Them

Many times people (especially women) go into a date preparing themselves to be assessed. They worry if they’re “desirable” or appealing—often forgetting that they too have to see if this person is right from them. When you remind yourself that it’s not about “passing a test,” but simply seeing if you have a mutual connection, you’ll probably feel less pressure.

“You are not there to audition, perform, or prove yourself,” relationship coach Lara Lee Caine says. “You are simply meeting another person and seeing how you feel in their company.”

Have Some Discernment

When you have a really great first date with someone, it’s hard to not get excited about them (or, if you’re me, start planning your honeymoon in Bali). But Carr explains that a first date is typically fueled off of chemistry more than everything else. You still have to get to know the person.

“Chemistry can be hot for a few months or even a year, but character will be what you grow in love with over time,” she says. “And it takes time to truly know someone.”

Flirt a Little!

This may seem obvious, but so many people get wrapped up in the nerves of meeting someone new for the first time that they worry about being too “forward.” While you should probably keep the sexual jokes to yourself, there’s nothing wrong with flirting a little. In fact, Seltzer recommends it.

“Attraction isn’t always something that magically arrives fully formed—it is often co-created,” she explains. “People sometimes reject a date because they ‘didn’t feel chemistry,’ when neither person took the emotional risk of creating any.”

So try maintaining eye contact a little longer, smiling, leaning in, and using playful banter. You want to send the message that you’re looking for more than just a new friend.

Pretend You’re on Vacation

Stay with me for a sec, here. This is what Conti calls the “vacation dating mindset.”

“Studies show that falling for someone while you’re on vacation is statistically highly probable because of that beautiful combination of heightened adrenaline and freedom from the societal norms of your normal environment,” she explains. “Before your date, quite literally pretend like you are going on vacation.” Whether this means creating a vacation playlist or throwing on your best travel fit—if you put yourself into a new, exciting mindset, you might see the connection follow suit.

Breathe

It’s normal to be nervous! Dating is about being vulnerable and putting yourself out there—two things that can easily send us into a panic. So the most important thing to remember is to slow down and take a breath.

“Before you walk in, sit for a moment and take three slow breaths, making each exhale longer than the inhale,” Chao says. “Lengthening the exhale settles and relaxes your body so your date meets you and not your nervousness.”