The Relationship Advice We Should Steal From ‘Couples Therapy’

It’s Not About Being Right

We can learn a lot about our own relationships by looking at other couples. For some people, this might look like watching their best friend argue with her bare-minimum boyfriend and making a mental note to never date anyone like him. But for others, this means binging the documentary series Couples Therapy.

If you haven’t watched the show (or even seen short clips on TikTok), it’s pretty straightforward: you follow along as real couples join psychoanalyst Dr. Orna Guralni for a weekly couples therapy session. And while a lot of reality TV is about dramatic breakups and a lot of sensationalism, Couples Therapy is more about people in relationships trying to see if they can fix their troubled dynamics—they just happen to be okay with airing their business to the rest of the world.

While some couples on the show would seem better off broken up (ahem, Mau and Annie), there are others whose problems feel more like a symptom of underlying relationship issues like communication or ego. And as a viewer, watching Dr. Orna sift through these conversations to find what’s underneath can spark a lightbulb moment in our own relationships.

Dr. Orna is really good at what she does (which is probably why they gave her her own show). And, with five 10-episode seasons of Couples Therapy out, it’s hard to keep track of every notable thing she says. Because her advice is golden, we’ve compiled some of the biggest relationship lessons from the show that are definitely worth stealing to apply to your own relationship. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to learn from the master herself?

When couples get into arguments, sometimes the real issue gets buried and it becomes a battle of who is “right.” But Dr. Orna repeatedly tells couples that whoever is “right” shouldn’t matter, especially if you really want to resolve whatever issues you and your partner may have. Instead of focusing on the details of what happened and who did what, she advises her clients to understand how their partner is feeling and what prompted them to feel that way. Once you try to understand where your partner is coming from, you’re one step closer to moving past the argument.

Sometimes Your Thoughts Are Also Your Enemy

There were plenty of times when a person on Dr. Orna’s couch would describe negative, critical thoughts about their partner. Dr. Orna would often explain that these were not their “real” thoughts, but rather a “prison” they’ve put themselves into. When you’re constantly harping on thoughts about how your partner has hurt you, you don’t leave much space for reconciliation. If you do want to stay with your partner and work on your relationship, it helps to remind yourself that your thoughts and feelings (though they may be valid) are not facts. And if you choose to dwell on the negatives, that’s how you’re forcing yourself to feel at all times.

You Might Need to ‘Say More’

Like any good therapist, you’ll hear Dr. Orna constantly tell her clients to “say more.” This is a practice you can use in your own relationship. Sometimes your partner will say something and you’ll feel the urge to immediately react. But, they may not have phrased what they mean correctly or given you all the information. A simple “say more” gives your partner the chance to really think about what they’re telling you and what they want you to get out of it. You might even find yourself feeling less reactive and more empathetic once you’ve given them more time to explain their feelings.

Try Listening In a Different Way

You might think you’re “listening” to your partner simply because you’re following along with the details of what they’re saying. But on Couples Therapy, Dr. Orna often says that you should try listening in a “different” way. Rather than paying attention to the specifics of the story and how things unfolded, listen to how they made your partner feel. You’ll probably learn something new about their perspective.

Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship

Dr. Orna often dives into her clients’ family relationships. This is because she sees that people often mirror behaviors of the people who hurt them in their childhood—something that you can keep in mind as you navigate your own healing alongside your partner’s. Talk about your childhood, your upbringing, your relationship to your parents. All of these things will help you unfold why you act a certain way. And if you notice that you’re holding onto some sort of unresolved trauma, it’s possible that it’s causing more strain on your relationship. If this is the case, it may be time to get a Dr. Orna of your own.

Always Say How You Feel

We live so much in our own heads that we forget others can’t see our thoughts. This is why Dr. Orna says that you should never assume your partner knows how you feel: You need to say it. Whether this means expressing a fear or even admitting that your partner hurt you, you and your partner will be better off by naming and acknowledging the feeling rather than keeping it bubbled up inside.

As you can see, Dr. Orna has dropped some serious gems. Should you be getting all of your relationship advice from reality TV? No, of course not. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t take some of Dr. Orna’s advice and see how it fits into your own life and relationship. We improve our partnerships when we open ourselves to learning and changing. And who knows, you might even navigate your next argument better using advice from Couples Therapy.