The Excruciating Agony of Trying to Avoid ‘Love Island UK’ Spoilers in the U.S.

Love Island USA might have finally captured the hearts of Americans after multiple false starts, but let’s never forget that Love Island UK is the blueprint. Before Nicolandria, there was Molly Mae and Tommy. And like with the U.S. version, watching Love Island UK is truly a sport. The six-episode-per-week format started with the UK, after all. But the biggest question remains: How do you avoid spoilers?

As a U.S. viewer of the show, my options for watching are limited. I tried the whole VPN thing, but my stream buffered every two seconds, and the only thing more frustrating than watching Cach and Toni self-implode their relationship every other episode is having that drama interrupted. So I’m left to stream it on Hulu, at a three-day delay from the UK. It used to be a TWO-WEEK delay so I’ll take the three days, but that’s still a whole lot of spoilers to avoid.

Even for me, a person who watches TV professionally, trying to avoid spoilers at that pace is like one of those scenes in a spy movie where they have to go through a hallway full of lasers. But I’ve basically made this an art form, because watching the show spoiler-free obviously makes it more fun. So here’s everything I do to avoid the spoilers, broken down into 10 easy and completely reasonable steps.

Don’t google a single contestant the entire season

This is a very difficult ask. As humans, we are naturally curious, but during Love Island season, you must squash that curiosity like a bug. If you so much as type in someone’s name, it could be detrimental. The suggested Google search could be like, “Why did Meg and Dejon go home on Love Island?” and then you’ll know they got the absolute shaft and went home prematurely. Justice for DeMeg.

Don’t even google a contestant’s famous father to find out how successful he was as a professional footballer or boy bander (Looking at you, Gemma Owen and Jack Keating). The nepotism baby SEO is not worth it!! And beware of googling terms you don’t understand, like “he’s punching.” It’s better to live in the dark. Who’s punching whom? I’ll never know. The only thing you can do is go to Google Maps and look up where these people are from within Maps. That’s it. I now know where Swansea is.

Don’t google Love Island

This should be obvious honestly, but in case it’s not, let me fill you in on how search engines work these days. The search engine will populate with the most recent news articles about the topic you searched, meaning you’ll see literally every spoiler imaginable for the most recent episodes. Not even “Love Island Villa tour” is safe. Resist!

Keep a note on your phone of things you want to look up after the season ends

Once you comfortably know who the winner is, you can go off. So keep a note of all the things you want to look up once the season is over. For me during season 12, it was Dejon’s dating history (vitally important to me for reasons I can’t quite articulate), and getting every detail of Harry Cooksley’s hair transplant journey. It’s going to have to wait, but I’ll be prepared when the time comes. Or you could have a non-watcher google things for you, which I’ve made my boyfriend do on more than one occasion. I’m not sorry!!

You can’t follow any of the contestants on Instagram

You might start a season and think, This man is very hot. Let me look him up really quick! No! I’m sure the friends and family in charge of the contestants’ accounts while they’re gone are lovely people, but they won’t hit you with a spoiler warning. You’ll have to save your thirst-trap double tapping for when the show is over. Block them if you must. Do whatever it takes.

Log off Twitter

You would think Twitter would be safe, but one time a few seasons ago, I was casually scrolling my timeline and saw out of my peripheral vision Love Island headshots and the words “final four.” I have never in my life exited a window so quickly. That was not even from a person I follow! Going on social media during the season is like going behind enemy lines.

Unfollow every British person and tabloid in your network

If there’s a Brit in your timeline or if you, for some reason, follow the Daily Mail on any platform, you better hit that unfollow button real fast. Or mute, if you’re feeling generous. Love Island is like a national identity over there, so not only will a critical mass of people be talking about it but the tabloid-y outlets will also be writing about it.

Do yourself a favor and also unfollow all the contestants from past seasons that you follow

Do you still follow Indiyah from season 8? Forget about it, because it’s her job to post the show as a panelist on Aftersun. But most former contestants are inclined to talk about it because that’s part of how they all stay famous. (I say that with love.) So even if you really love Shakira or Harry, you better unfollow or mute for now. It’s worth it for the spoiler-free existence.

Honestly, just flush your phone down the toilet

Now that I’m looking at this list, I think the better option is just to flush your phone and/or throw it out the window. How do I expect you, a regular person, to abide by all these rules? It’s too much.

Do not even attempt to leave your house

Wait, maybe this is the better option. Maybe you should do this in conjunction with all the phone stuff. If you just stay inside your house, you will not be able to run into anyone who might be talking about the show.

Or better yet, go off the grid

Okay, yeah, it’s the only way.