Some TikTok Dating Advice We Should All Probably Ignore

“Test Them.”

There is a lot of advice I turn to TikTok for: new exercises for my next glute day, throw pillows that will give my apartment a “fall refresh,” where to buy dupes for expensive makeup. But as a sex and relationships writer, there’s one thing I never take seriously on TikTok: any and all dating advice.

Are there some great, qualified relationship experts giving healthy and meaningful relationship advice on TikTok? Of course! Is a majority of the “relationship advice” on the app total and utter garbage? Also, yes. And because the latter heavily outnumbers the former, whenever I see someone start talking about how “if he wanted to, he would” I immediately scroll away.

There is this weird phenomenon happening on TikTok where people are encouraged to do no work in a relationship and yet expect a partner that is totally perfect. These fake relationship gurus spout “advice” that doesn’t take into account that we’re humans and that relationships take effort and understanding. Also, we’re all told to essentially expect the worst of the each other, have standards that we, ourselves don’t even meet, and of course, treat every relationship like it’s transactional.

“One of the trickiest parts of going to TikTok for dating advice is that short videos don't allow for complexity and nuance,” Elise Braunschweiger, founder and head matchmaker at Amnity Matchmaking tells Cosmopolitan. “Instead, dating advice gets boiled down to its most controversial, click-baity, and scandalous iteration.”

So we asked the real relationship experts (licensed therapists and psychologists) which TikTok advice everyone would be better off leaving alone.

TikTok is constantly telling you to test your partner.

“This can involve things like purposely ignoring your partner, taking a long time to reply to their messages, acting distant, or creating a situation just to see how they react,” therapist Ronald Hoang explains.

While you may think you’re simply trying to figure out how much your partner cares, you’re basically creating more problems in your relationship.

“Instead of encouraging honest communication, it encourages people to play games and expect their partner to figure out what they are thinking,” Hoang says.

Plus, these tests don’t necessarily prove anything. People have different reactions to things, and just because a reaction doesn’t fit perfectly into what you were expecting doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care for you.

“A healthier approach would be to communicate directly about what you need from your partner rather than deliberately putting them in a situation where they can fail a test they didn’t know they were taking,” Hoang says.

“They Should Automatically Know What You Want.”

Anytime I hear “if he wanted to, he would” my eyes roll so far back into my head I’m afraid they won’t ever come back out again. The problem with this advice is that it encourages people to stop communicating their needs with their partners. Instead, they immediately cast partners off as “inconsiderate” if they don’t meet your needs.

“We've started confusing emotional compatibility with emotional mind-reading,” Rebecca Boone, clinical director says. “Your partner can love you deeply and still misunderstand you, need something different from you, or get it wrong sometimes.”

Instead of punishing our partners for not reading our minds, we should be open to telling them exactly what it is we want and need out of a relationship. If you just keep your mouth shut and wait to see what your partner does, you’re setting your relationship up for failure.

“Any Relationship Friction Is a Red Flag.”

I’ve heard people on TikTok say that “relationships shouldn’t be hard.” And while sure, every day with your partner shouldn’t feel like exhausting physical labor, sometimes being with someone can be difficult—that doesn’t automatically mean you should throw the relationship away.

Even healthy relationships activate our insecurities sometimes.

And yet, TikTok relationship “experts” claim that any little issue is a larger symptom of a bad relationship.

“Not every disagreement is gaslighting, not every need for space is avoidant attachment, and not every uncomfortable interaction means you're in a toxic relationship,” Boone says. “These terms describe real patterns, but when we use them to explain every difficult moment, we can lose the ability to distinguish between a relationship that needs repair and one that is genuinely harmful.”

The reality is that even healthy relationships activate our insecurities sometimes. But it’s about how you navigate communication, accountability, and emotional safety afterward.

“The question shouldn't always be, ‘Did my partner trigger me?’” Boone says. “Sometimes the more useful question is, ‘What happened after I was triggered? Were we able to talk about it, take responsibility, and find our way back to each other?’”

“Be Alert at All Times.”

TikTok relationship advice pushes you to constantly assess and overanalyze your relationship to look for red flags.

“Being overly tuned in to relationship content can create hypervigilance in your relationship,” psychotherapist Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT says. It can mean that you’re constantly worried about what you deserve, ending up with a “loser,” what you need to fix, and what’s wrong in your relationship.

If you’re constantly looking for red flags, you’re going to create some on your own.

“It impedes your ability to truly be present in your relationship and enjoy your partner’s company, and instead creates anxiety about whether your relationship is good enough,” Bogdanovic says. “The issues manifest internally as anxiety and externally as arguments and tension with your partner.”

Sure, you should be aware of any concerning behaviors. But if you’re constantly looking for red flags, you’re going to create some on your own. It’s okay to be comfortable in your relationship. In fact, that should be your goal.

“Relationships Are for Financial Gain, Not Romantic Connection.”

I’ll admit, I thought the “sprinkle sprinkle” content was funny—until I realized people were taking it seriously.

Now, people look for different things in relationships. And if you truly are only interested in a partnership for financial support, more power to you (I know how expensive groceries are). But TikTok sometimes pushes the idea that all women should look to men to be providers—and it feels pretty “tradwife” or “manosphere” coded if I’m being honest.

AASECT certified sex & couples therapist Vanessa Cushing says that she understands where this idea comes from: Women often are expected to carry a majority of the emotional labor, household chores, and responsibility of raising children. As a response, people on TikTok have encouraged women to seek out men who at least have money to bring to the table.

“When we get into seeking partners based on what they can provide it creates a dynamic where the relationship becomes transactional,” Cushing says. “Relationships should be about the connection—you know you love someone when you just want to hangout with them. You love their essence—how kind they are how loving they are—not how much they can provide for you.”

While we’d all love to be taken care of, this can be done in more ways than just financially.

“If They’re Not Interested In Sex, Go Cold.”

Apparently there are plenty of people telling men on TikTok that if their partner isn’t interested in sex, they should “let her feel the loss.”

I’m sorry—huh?

I get it, being rejected sucks—which is the feeling these people are monetizing off of.

“A man who’s been rejected over and over finally hears something that makes him feel in control again,” Stephanie Flood, LMFT, says. “Yet, for most women, physical connection follows emotional connection.”

This truly is a manosphere talking point. So let’s get to what you should really do: If you’re noticing that your partner hasn’t been as interested in sex, instead of jumping into defense mode, try understanding what’s happening. Have a conversation. Be open-minded. It could be that your partner isn’t feeling great, they’re super stressed, or you’re just not fostering the emotional connection needed for them to want to be physical with you. “Going cold” will do nothing more than get you closer to a breakup.