Etsy Witches, Do I Have a Medieval-Based Penis-Stealing Suggestion for You

Let’s Get Into the Meat of It

I can think of more than a few men right now that I would curse. Luckily, I live in the age of Etsy witches—an extremely online phenomenon that has given us access to spell-casting supernatural divas who conveniently own online storefronts.

I’ve used Etsy witches in the past. I’ve paid for love and devotion spells (sorry to my boyfriend—but hey, it worked), success spells, and the occasional “road opener” spell to clear my path of any obstacles. And while I personally haven’t gone down the route of using a spell for someone else’s downfall, the option is definitely there (and very, very tempting these days).

For some Etsy witches, cursing someone means making the target’s day slightly inconvenient. But for others, it’s much more extreme (sickness, poverty, and sometimes even death). But I personally think current day Etsy witches could learn a thing or two from their medieval ancestors whose curses consisted of a little more pizzazz. More specifically: they would cast spells to disappear men’s penises.

In a TikTok video I’ve watched way too many times now, creator @sapphael—who regularly discusses the quirkier aspects of medieval history—highlights the most infamous witch hunting book of the 15th century: The Malleus Maleficarum by Heinrich Kramer, which translates to “the hammer of witches.” The book discusses the “crimes” of witchcraft at the time and “solidified witchcraft as a gendered crime.”

Sapphael explains to Cosmopolitan that in the 11th century, the image of the devil began shifting from more of an idiotic, bumbling figure to one of extreme power and danger. Eventually, he was linked to magic, and anyone who practiced magic (or any form of heresy) was considered an associate of the devil.

“As religious tensions rose, there was an increased policing of everyone’s individual belief systems, conduct, and increased emphasis on confession,” Sapphael says. “This included the sexual behaviors of women, which also fed into the paranoia concerning witches.”

One of the “crimes” associated with witches was—you guessed it—stealing men’s penises. It was believed that witches would cause impotence among men. And in some cases, by working with the devil, they could steal a man’s penis and make him “as smooth as a Ken doll” (Sapphael’s words) down there—typically if he had upset or wronged her. The only way to get it back would be for the man to beg the witch for forgiveness.

Here’s where the medieval people really got into the weeds. It was believed that a witch couldn’t actually disappear a man’s penis. Instead, their powers were limited to merely creating the illusion of a missing penis: This meant the man could no longer feel their genitals, and any onlooker would see nothing there as well.

Now, at this time, witches were blamed for things like stillbirth, sterility, and even preventing marital relations. As much as I hope the witches were actually out here stealing the penises, this is probably more of a metaphor for impotence, erectile dysfunction, or even a man who just isn’t that great in bed.

And because men have been unable to take accountability for their own issues since, well, the beginning of time, it’s likely that witches—known to be feared in part because of their sexuality—became the scapegoat for all of these issues. We already know that anytime women were killed under the guise of “witchcraft” throughout history, it was because the men of the time were afraid of them stepping outside of the status quo. And according to Sapphael, Kramer’s book was so infamous because of how many “witches” were killed in response. So, it’s not outlandish to assume that this was yet another case of men using any and every excuse to take their anger and insecurity out on women.

Or, who knows: maybe the witches really were out there vanishing dicks.

“Many traditions recognise that we have a subtle, non-physical, energetic body,” modern day witch Freya tells me. “[People skilled in the occult] can learn to both feel, and manipulate, this energy field.” She explains that some who practice magic can use energy to cause a body part to feel “phantom-enlarged, warm, or perceptually extended into space.” And yes, this includes the penis.

But Freya tells me this is just research—not anything she knows from experience.

“I definitely cannot, and will not, do this kind of thing,” she emphasizes. “But I expect there are people that can, and do.”

But whether or not penises were really stolen, I still think we can use the medieval witches as inspiration today. So if you’re an Etsy witch (or someone like me who has hired one), I have a new spell for you to master. And in the meantime, I know a few people you might want to practice on.