Love & Lessons: So … What Are We? The Dating Conversation Nobody Wants to Have

Cuffing season has arrived. However, before you rush out and find somebody to cuff or let somebody cuff you, let’s remember something we talked about in the last column: just because it’s cuffing season doesn’t mean you have to get cuffed immediately.

I know the weather will eventually get cooler, the holidays are coming, your friends will start posting their couples’ pictures, somebody’s going to invite you to a fall or winter wedding, and you’ll look around, wondering who you’re bringing. That person you’ve been casually talking to might suddenly start looking like they could make a pretty good winter companion. Before you put a title on it, let’s slow down.

Don’t Skip the Scouting Phase

Remember when I told you that dating is supposed to be a process?

Well, don’t skip the scouting phase.

If you’ve met someone new, this is the part where you get to know them. You don’t have to immediately figure out whether this person is your future husband, your future wife, or the person you’ll be posting for Valentine’s Day.

If you just met, you should go on dates, have conversations, ask questions, pay close attention, laugh a little, and see what happens.

That doesn’t mean you should play games or intentionally keep someone in limbo. It simply means that you don’t have to rush to define something you haven’t had enough time to understand.

We’ve spent the last several columns talking about this.

In “The State of Dating in Birmingham,” I talked to singles, dating event organizers, therapists, and even a couple who had found their way from dating to engagement, then marriage, and one word kept coming up in different ways: intentionality. People weren’t necessarily saying they had dating completely figured out. Still, they were looking for more meaningful connections and becoming more intentional about where they put their time and energy. That idea carried over into “Date for Data,” where we talked about slowing down long enough to actually get to know the person you’re dating, rather than making a decision based on one great date, one bad conversation, or a few text messages. Then came the red-flags-and-green-flags conversation, where we looked at how important it is to pay attention without turning every uncomfortable moment into a diagnosis. After all, dating is supposed to allow you to discover who someone really is, not just decide who you think they are.

Then cuffing season arrived. Now here you are.

Maybe you’ve met someone, maybe you’ve been talking for a few weeks, you’ve gone out a couple of times, the conversations are good, the chemistry is there, they’re texting you consistently, you’re starting to like them, and now you’re tempted to ask: “So… what are we?”

Before you do, take a breath.

I’m not saying you should never have that conversation. At some point, you absolutely should know what direction you’re headed, but sometimes we want the answer before we’ve given the relationship enough time to develop.

You can know that you’re interested without knowing where the relationship is going. You can enjoy someone’s company without immediately deciding what they mean to you. You can date someone without making them your boyfriend or girlfriend after three good dates.

That’s the beauty of dating.

You’re supposed to be learning from each other. While you’re getting to know each other, another conversation deserves to happen much earlier than the “What are we?” conversation: boundaries.

Communicate Your Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t necessarily a big, dramatic conversation where you sit across from someone and pull out a notebook of everything you will and will not tolerate. Sometimes you communicate boundaries naturally through the way you date.

Maybe you don’t want someone calling you at midnight. Maybe you don’t like being pressured to move faster physically than you’re comfortable with. Maybe you don’t want to spend every night together after two weeks. Maybe you need consistent communication, but you don’t expect someone to text you every five minutes.

Those things matter, and you don’t have to wait until you’re in a committed relationship to communicate them.

In fact, early dating is a good time to start because you’re not just learning whether you like somebody. You’re learning how they respond when you tell them what you need.

That’s data, too.

If you tell someone, “I’m not comfortable with that,” what happens next?

Do they respect it? Do they try to negotiate your boundary? Do they make you feel guilty for having one? Do they listen and adjust?

You may learn more from that interaction than you would from an entire dinner where everything went perfectly. Also, keep in mind boundaries work both ways. The person you’re dating gets to have them, too.

Maybe they aren’t ready to spend every weekend together. Maybe they need time to themselves. Maybe they’re not comfortable with certain physical affection. Maybe they want to take dating slowly.

Respecting someone’s boundaries doesn’t mean you have to agree with every preference they have. It means you recognize that getting to know someone doesn’t give you unlimited access to them. Sometimes we enter the early stages of dating thinking chemistry gives us access, but it doesn’t.

A good conversation doesn’t mean you automatically get someone’s entire weekend. A few great dates don’t mean you get to demand constant communication, and physical intimacy doesn’t automatically create a relationship.

This is where dating intentionally comes into play.

Dating Intentionally

If you’re interested in someone, let yourself be interested, but don’t abandon your own pace simply because you’re excited about theirs. Don’t start performing the role of boyfriend or girlfriend before you’ve actually had the conversation about becoming one.

This is where cuffing season can get tricky.

The desire to have someone can cause us to speed through stages that were designed to help us figure out whether we actually belong together.

We start acting like a couple before we’ve discussed exclusivity. We become emotionally attached before we’ve established what either person wants. We give someone relationship-level access when we’re still technically dating.

Then, three months later, somebody finally asks, “So what are we?”

And the other person says, “I thought we were just having fun.”

Now we’re both sitting there looking confused.

That’s why the “What are we?” conversation shouldn’t be about forcing a title onto something before it’s ready. Instead, it should be about clarity.

There is a difference between rushing a relationship and communicating about one. If you’ve been dating someone consistently and you’re starting to wonder where things are headed, it’s okay to ask. You don’t have to pretend you don’t care to seem chill.

You can say, “I’m enjoying getting to know you, and I’d like to understand what you’re looking for.”

That’s a conversation, not a demand, not an ultimatum, just clarity. Sometimes the answer will tell you everything you need to know.

Maybe you’re both looking for the same thing; maybe one person wants a relationship, and the other wants something casual; maybe neither of you knows yet.

All of those answers are useful information. Remember, we are still collecting data.

The goal isn’t to force every person you meet into a relationship. The goal is to learn enough about each other to decide whether moving forward makes sense. That’s what the scouting phase is for.

You are watching how they communicate. You’re learning how they handle disappointment. You’re seeing whether their words match their actions. You’re figuring out whether your values, lifestyles, and expectations actually fit together, and they’re doing the same thing with you.

If you’ve met someone this cuffing season, don’t panic because you don’t have a title yet. Remember, enjoy getting to know them, ask questions, go on actual dates, let them see you outside of the carefully curated version of yourself, set your boundaries early, respect theirs, and when the time comes to have the “What are we?” conversation, don’t approach it like you’re trying to win a relationship.

Approach it like you’re trying to understand one because, after everything we’ve talked about in Love & Lessons, we’ve learned that rushing isn’t the goal. Clarity is.

You don’t have to know on the first date if someone is your forever person. You need to pay close enough attention to know whether you want to go on a second date. We’re so busy trying to figure out where this is going that we sometimes forget to pay attention to what is happening right now.

So yes, cuffing season is here, but don’t skip the scouting phase just because it’s going to get cold outside.

Nicole Sade’ Daniel is an award-winning journalist, author, educator, and advocate for meaningful conversations around relationships and personal growth. Drawing from her background in communications and psychology, she explores modern dating, love, healing, and the experiences that shape how we connect with others. Learn more at nicolesade.com.