“Anxious Instead Of Excited”: 60 People Reveal How They Knew They Were Falling Out Of Love

24 Sep 2024, 09:36 by Adelaide Ross, Dominyka · Bored Panda

Falling in love often feels a lot like falling ill. Your knees may become weak, your cheeks might be flushed, and your brain may feel foggy due to the nerves you’re experiencing. A smile from your crush can make your heart skip a beat, but the jitters might make your mouth drier than the Sahara Desert. However, all of these uncomfortable feelings are worth it to find the love of your life. And someday, the person who once filled you with nervous energy might be the only person on the planet who makes you feel calm.

But sadly, not all love stories last. And you might end up back at square one if your relationship starts fizzling out. Redditors have recently been sharing heartbreaking signs that someone is falling out of love with their partner, so we’ve gathered their thoughts below. We hope that you can’t relate to any of these replies, pandas. But if you can, remember that you deserve to love and be loved!

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Going home to them makes you anxious instead of excited.AdTotal801 , Mikhail Nilov

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Love is not a feeling. This idea of “being” in love is the modern era’s greatest lie. Love is a choice. It’s a choice to respect, honor, and be dutiful to someone even when it is not convenient - even if it sucks. Lust and desire are feelings you can “fall” out of. Love is a choice and giving up on someone is a choice, not because you “fell” out of something. Every couple I’ve talked to that had lifelong marriages always said the same thing - there are long stretches in any committed relationship where it’s stale, stagnant, and sometimes even downright unpleasant. But it’s the choice to stay and the choice to figure out how to rekindle the relationship that is the most important thing. Abuse and affairs are different - that’s always the retort. Those two things effectively relieve the other person in the relationship of any duty to even try. But short of those two things, if you’re committing to “loving” someone, you do it even when you don’t feel like doing it. If you’re not willing to do it, then you don’t “fall out” of love, you made a choice to no longer commit to the person.PsychologyFancy4356 , Anastasiya Lobanovskaya

You don’t want to share your thoughts, experiences, and memories with them anymore.throw123454321purple , Samson Katt

To learn more about what it's like to fall out of love, we got in touch with Naomi Dardik, the Head of OurRitual's Clinical Team of Therapists. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss this topic.

"People often ask if they’re falling out of love as if it’s a phenomenon that just happens, like suddenly developing a nut allergy, and figure that if they are, in fact, 'falling out of love' then they should end their relationship, just like they would just stop eating nuts because hey, they’re allergic," the therapist shared.

"On social media, most responses to the question 'How do I know if I’m falling out of love?' are variations of signs of relationship distress. For example, if you realize you would rather be at work than spend time with your partner or you can’t feel comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings with them because of how they respond, then commenters advise that you know you’re falling out of love and the relationship is over," Naomi explained.

You don’t want to be intimate with them anymore - that was my first sign.DryExpression511 , Ketut Subiyanto

You prefer them not being there.TT_________ , RDNE Stock project

I just want to add that a healthy long term relationship can go through cycles where your feelings wax and wane, sometimes with different feelings in different directions. Don't immediately assume your love is diminishing, because believe me it can come roaring back even stronger after a period of less interest.

Being appreciative makes life worthwhile, but often times it's impossible to hold that view 24/7. Sometimes you have to get a bit lost in the weeds before understanding the true value of what you have.extropia , Orhan Pergel

"We’d probably all agree that these are both obvious signs of serious relationship distress, and people who feel this way might actually do well to end their relationships," Naomi continued. "That said, the only conclusion we can actually draw from these examples is that the relationship is in serious distress."

"Why is it in distress? We can’t know yet. Could it get better? Maybe. 'Falling out of love' is not a well-defined scientific phenomenon," the therapist shared. "Maybe the couple’s distress is because they have poor communication skills, are experiencing overwhelming stress and don’t know how to cope, or maybe one or both are suffering from serious and untreated mental health problems."

Not enjoying spending time with your partner. Feeling irritated by your partner's presence, quirks, and habits. Losing interest in what's going on in your partner's life.LoveLustEnchantress , RDNE Stock project

Spending time with them starts to feel like an obligation or a chore.PewpyDewpdyPantz , Redd F

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This was from some other redditor months back when this question was asked. It always stuck with me though. You can tell when you are not interested in the little things to make them happy. Like making them a snack, or the little nice text messages, or random non-sexual physical affection, or doing one of their chores for them; all unprompted. Arguably you could say that you are starting to no longer care about their happiness.jjcnc82 , Antoni Shkraba

"These 'signs' only tell us what is happening, not why. Concluding that they’ve 'fallen out of love' is like diagnosing someone with an imbalance of humors when they present with a cough instead of investigating the precise cause so that the person can get the care they need (spoiler alert, not leeches)," Naomi told Bored Panda. "Technically, maybe, sure. But it tells you nothing except that a problem exists. Diagnosing the couple as 'fallen out of love' is arguably even worse than a diagnosis of humor imbalance since it implies that the condition is permanent and untreatable when that might not be true at all."

You start enjoying time away from them more than you do time with them.UpperFeed8847 , Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦

Coming home is no longer a pleasant feeling.

1. You're coming back from work or errands, but you delay your return home, preferring to stop somewhere first, or sitting in your car a couple blocks away psychologically preparing yourself for entering the house.

2. You're at home and you hear the car pull up in the driveway or the keys in the door, and you think "Oh no.".BubbhaJebus , Marta Wave

Spending time with them drains your energy instead of gives you energy.
Far-Score7411

Naomi also noted that a minority but present voice in the Reddit thread points out that it's normal to have disconnected times and negative feelings even in good, healthy, long term relationships. "I suspect we all pretty much agree that these points are both true - dreading coming home to see your partner is a decidedly bad sign and yes, partners in awesome relationships are sometimes (really) irritated with each other," she continued.

"One of my favorite professors at UC Berkeley’s MSW program, Greg Merrill, once said that everyone tells you you're going to have bad days, but no one tells you that you're going to have bad years! It’s important to know that constant bliss in long term relationships is not a thing, so that you don’t condemn a perfectly healthy relationship as doomed when it’s actually just being normal and is occasionally also really painful to be in," the therapist shared.

You make excuses to avoid them.NervousSeagull , Alex Green

Apathy is the opposite of love, not hate.HomeChef1951 , Antoni Shkraba

You stop sharing anything about yourself or your day because you don’t want them to know anything about you anymore. You cherish time away from them. You dread being with them. Everything about them annoys you. You don’t want to be intimate with them anymore. You do anything to pacify them or get them to leave you alone. You busy yourself with work, chores, childcare or other reasonsable responsibilities that keep you away from them. You feel complete indifference to their existence.Njbelle-1029 , Kampus Production

"If you notice that you’re more than occasionally annoyed with each other, that you no longer enjoy each other’s company or find each other attractive, the first step is to get curious about what’s contributing to these feelings," Naomi says. "People often don’t realize that their anger at their partners or even feelings of disgust can have emotional roots in themselves that are only marginally related to their actual, real life partners."

When you stop caring, even to get angry. I knew my last relationship was over when I realized I wouldn’t even be mad if he cheated on me.MangoSalsa89 , cottonbro studio

For me it was when I would slowly realize the return investment from my effort wasn't there, so I'd stop putting in effort.Elliejq88 , Vera Arsic

I can't stand the sight of him. It happened when I overheard him bad mouthing me to my doctor when I was admitted to emergency with a near death illness. I never got over it because it was a deep betrayal that I never expected. Now I know who he really is. There were so many other things along the way that I overlooked but this was the end.Substantial-Bag5141 , RDNE Stock project

"One woman I worked with was worried that her feelings about her husband’s untrimmed nails meant that she wasn’t attracted to him anymore," the therapist shared. "When we explored what this meant to her, she discovered that she associated untrimmed nails with someone who doesn’t pay attention, which was a trigger for her from her childhood. Understanding the root of her feelings changed how she interpreted them and was a significant relief."

"A man thought that his wife’s sharpness towards him when she was angry meant that he couldn’t stay married to her, since he was aware that he really struggled to feel safe around even mildly angry people," Naomi continued. "The idea that he could learn to manage his own reactivity to her angry moments was a revelation to him and helped him change his approach."

The way he looked at me changed.... Heartbreaking. Honestly.abundantgloria , JD Mason

You'd rather stay at work than go home.
Puzzled-Passenger479
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You understand that living without them would be easier.
galDifficult

It's also important to remember that "falling out of love" doesn't have to mean a death sentence for your relationship.

"If you’re not generally happy with each other, consistently prefer to be apart rather than together, feel angry, resentful or repulsed more than you feel love, caring and appreciation, talk about it," Naomi says. "Ask your partner what it’s like for them to be in this relationship and if they’re open to hearing what it’s like for you. Talk about what you appreciate and what’s been missing."

"If you don’t know how to have these conversations without getting into a huge fight, shutting down or having a panic attack, consider getting some version of professional support," she added. "There’s a whole field of really well-trained professionals dedicated to helping couples in these situations understand what’s causing their unhappiness and learn how to do things differently. Most couples see improvement after getting help and most see the greatest improvement in the first six to eight weeks."

For me, it's when I finally realized that I didn't want to be seen with them in public because it felt embarrassing.bigcarl116 , Vladimir Kudinov

Resentment is building and nothing to get rid of it.buggerit71 , Timur Weber

When they become just a roommate.
CashnJinx

But if it's truly time to break up, there's nothing wrong with that. "Ending a relationship can be a really good choice if the other person is not able or willing to grow with you," Naomi shared. "Ending a relationship because you have scary unpleasant feelings and you don't know how to deal with them can lead to a path to a series of failed relationships, lack of self-insight and ultimately loneliness."

"When people decide to separate, it's still important for them, for their own personal growth, to understand what went wrong in the relationship," the therapist says. "If you don't learn from the hard parts of your relationship, there's a decent chance you'll repeat them until you do."

You might be falling out of love if you feel emotionally distant, avoid physical affection, get easily irritated, or prefer spending time alone. If you're fantasizing about being single or struggling to see a future together, it could be a sign the relationship is losing its spark.
Serene-Lights-
Honestly man, you just know. The thought of losing them, stops scaring you, I guess...
OhReallyReallyNow
You stop going to bed together. People do it so they can have quiet time to themselves. It can be normal, but it can also be an escape for a person to "catch their breath".
Hefty_Peanut2289
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You seem obligated to talk or hang with your partner rather than actually wanting to talk or hang out.cfresh12 , Kampus Production

Even though I loved and cared for them, I dreaded seeing them and I began to resent them. I should have left WAY sooner and it was mean of me to stay and try to make it work for so long. I was very angry at things they did early on but it was "the best relationship I've had" so I made excuses to stay.signalfaradayfromme , Charlie Foster

When you don’t care to argue w them about anything anymore you’ve checked tf out and never coming back.Ohtrueeeee , cottonbro studio

Everything you loved about them just starts to irritate you. It's like you can't find one thing that you like about them anymore.030117 , RDNE Stock project

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You can go an entire day without wanting to talk or see them. As if their presence just annoys you.
wishmeluck-

You run to reddit for bad relationship advice from strangers.imjacksissue , Brett Jordan

Here are some signs I felt with my ex when we were still together. I don’t enjoy spending time together him, we stop sharing and caring about each other’s lives, my physical attraction fades, I feel emotionally distant, and I compare our relationship to others.Local-Quality-634 , RDNE Stock project

You get frustrated with them really easily.Sea-Chest3135 , Karolina Kaboompics

When you start counting down the days until your next Netflix binge alone!
Little_Tennis6111
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You might start feeling indifferent about spending time together, find yourself frequently annoyed by minor things, or realize you’re no longer excited about future plans as a couple.
QuietTechStorm2100

The sound of them eating makes u want to thrust a red hot poker into their eye socket.PoopMousePoopMan , Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦

1. Dreading texts from them.

2. When you’re on vacation without them and you are actually happier not hearing from them.
ExfoliatedBalls
You stop liking how they smell.
__porsche__
Work becomes more fun than home,
Home feels like a drag,
And you resent your partner for being so damn negative all the time, and denying any issues on their end…
I hope he keeps sucking his own life out of himself.
greenebeane22
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Indifference.
doodle_robot
Unconsciously rolling your eyes is a very good sign.
mundanetiddy
They lie to you about what they are really doing behind your back.. finding out the hidden agenda is a deal breaker..
ComisclyConnected
There's a few common signs:
- you never close your eyes anymore when you kiss their lips
- there's no tenderness right before in your fingertips
- there's no welcome look in your eyes when they reach for you
- you're starting to criticize little things they do.
Cheddarface
If old conflicts or grievances are surfacing more often and you’re struggling to move past them, it might indicate underlying dissatisfaction, and when you find yourself thinking more about your own needs and desires rather than considering how your partner fits into your life, it might be a sign of growing distance.
defnotnatalia
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When I stopped caring about showing any form of physical intimacy to her or receiving any from her. I stopped hugging , kissing, and cuddling to going days without physically touching her. It wasn’t even a conscious decision, I just couldn’t love her anymore.
thevoidthoughts
When your heart drops when you hear the garage door opening.
alibaba88888

Having a sense of dread about them. You dread having to spend time with them. You dread getting a text from them. You dread having to talk to them or call them or saying I love you to them. You may not notice it, but it's been a long time since you've initiated anything. You might also have someone else in mind that you'd rather tell first whenever you have something to talk about or something to do.

You're watching the clock for when you get to leave and you never linger even a little once time's up. There's no lovey-dovey goodbyes, you're already off and running. You tell them you "fell asleep" very often (this is not an accidental once or twice, this is on purpose) whenever you miss or ignore their texts/calls. The future looks bleak with them, the future looks better alone.

You don't want to work things out. There isn't anything to work because really, you just don't like them. (You might have more frequent arguments, but oddly, this is the one thing I'd say varies between couples when one or both fall out of love.)

Things that matter to them don't take up space in your mind anymore. Forgetting their birthday, forgetting plans you made together, forgetting to tell them stuff that's happening in your life. When they're talking to you, it's easy for you to space out, miss what they're saying, and overall be generally disengaged. You might even walk away from them on accident because you're not thinking of checking if they're still behind you or not.

Anyways, to anyone falling out of love, I recommend you break up quickly once you feel certain you no longer want to have that relationship. It's hell for the person to watch you slip away like this if they still like you. I'll also make it a point to mention that I've been the person who watched someone slip away and have been the person who has slipped away from other people. You just have to work up the strength and end it clearly without mincing words, because it'll blow up eventually. It's never easy to tell someone they're not right for you, but it must be done. If you want something to be over, then the onus is on you to end it. The only time you may be able to get away with not doing anything is if your partner is _also_ slipping away from you and not texting/calling/reaching out at all. That's rare but if it happens, you can either let it fade or send a quick text after a while to clarify it's done.888277499991 , Ketut Subiyanto

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When the affection stops.
AppearanceMaximum454
You get bored a lot more often.
InterestingOven8976
She brings home a date, and you're most concerned he's going to drink your beer.
Deitaphobia
You both have more snuggle time with your cat.
Lord-Lobster

I am very much a Giver, but the second its not reciprocated im out!

(Im not talking 100% all give and take all the time, but you can easily notice when its 80\30 or 90\10.WastelandViking , Odonata Wellnesscenter

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The book I’m reading talks about each partner figuring out how to create more distance versus genuine connection and it felt spot on.
julz805
You start to ignore them more.
Valentinawowo
(Nervously checks marriage… yep, we’re fine! 😂)

I’m glad y’all got out of your bad relationships. I had to think back to my girlfriend before my wife (25 years ago) for this question. It was exactly as a lot of you said… I started to dislike going home, I made excuses to stay out longer, when I was home I felt annoyed by her presence, etc. I was sad when I broke up with her, but I knew it was the right thing. We both did. We had a good cry together (we were together for almost three years), then went out for pizza and enjoyed each other’s company for the first time in a long time because we were both ready to move on.

My wife now… I called her at work today to tell her what stupid thing our little booger of a puppy did this morning, and we had a good laugh about it. 😀.
FalconBurcham
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When you can't believe how long it takes them to tell a simple story from their day at work.

"So, then, Judy, she's the one whose sister's neighbor had that cute cactus statue in her backyard before it was ruined by a trick or treater...or was it a loose dog? No, I'm pretty sure that it was the trick or treater...".
CarlSpencer
If you ask yourself the question am I falling out of love with my partner, 95% of the time you've got your answer.
thingsorfreedom
You start to feel the "ick" about them.
Daring__D
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