Reader’s Vote: The Ultimate Birthday Jokes Showdown

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For kids, birthdays are the ultimate celebration: themed parties, all-you-can-eat sugar, and presents galore. For adults (especially those crossing into their thirties), it’s more about milestones, mild existential panic, and trying to prove you’re really into minimalist candleholders.

Whatever age you’re turning, we’re always on the hunt for witty birthday wishes that’ll make someone laugh. A hilarious birthday pun that sends the kids into giggles, a dad joke that earns a groan from the group, or a classic knock-knock joke for that nostalgic punch all help kick off the celebration.

Whether you’re shopping for jokes, puns, or just the right quip to send to a friend teetering on the edge of a birthday meltdown, we've pulled the funniest birthday jokes from every corner of the internet to make your big day a little sillier.

This post may include affiliate links.

What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once
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Growing up, birthdays meant gifts.

Now they mean getting tagged in unflattering photos you didn’t approve.
Why do office birthday parties always feel awkward?

Because nothing screams team bonding like eating cake with people who still haven’t learned your name!
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Was anyone famous born on your birthday?

No, just a bunch of babies.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

“Aye, matey!”
“Went to a birthday party for a four-year-old.

That was awkward.

Probably because I wasn’t invited.

Cake came out.

I love how we serve ice cream with cake.

You know, we go with this sugar bread, some frozen sugar milk.

Let’s give it to the four-year-old, see how they respond.

Oh, they’re going crazy!” — Jim Gaffigan
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Why couldn’t the science teacher come up with a good birthday joke?

Because all of the good ones Argon.
“You know you’re old when your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.” — Phyllis Diller (via Brainy Quote)
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
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How are birthdays like margaritas?

The more you have, the less you care.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
“If you’re an adult and have enough money, you can eat birthday cakes whenever you want — did you know that?

You don’t have to wait for somebody’s birthday to roll around.

You can eat birthday cakes every day. Get whatever you want written on them, too.

You don’t have to get ‘Happy Birthday’ written on there.

Like, you can walk into a bakery tomorrow, order three birthday cakes, and make the baker write on them: ‘breakfast,’ ‘lunch,’ and ‘dinner.’” — Brendon Walsh (via Laugh Factory)
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The worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
“We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room. We’ve all made a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign.”
“You get that poster board up, and you’re like, ‘I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be.
To begin with, a big-a* ‘H’. Followed by a big-a* ‘A’ and… Oh, no! Oh, God! Okay, all right.
Real skinny ‘P’ with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second ‘P’ below the hump of that first ‘P’, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation.
And now I have no room for the ‘Y’, so I’ll do a kind of curled-up noodle ‘Y’.
Block letters and cursive look good together.
And then you go to write ‘Birthday’ and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with ‘Happy.’
You’re like, ‘Yeah, but the past is the past. Big-a* ‘B’. Surely more letters will fit in the same space.” — John Mulaney (via Netflix Is A Joke)
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’” — Steven Wright (via AZ Quotes)
Why was the calendar so excited on its birthday?

It finally got a date!
What can you say both at the birthday party and at an execution?

Wait, let me get the knife.
"Cakes are powerful food.

Cake can actually bring people together.

‘It’s Bill’s birthday.

I hate that guy!

There’s cake in the conference room.’

‘Well… I should say hello.’” — Jim Gaffigan
What do birthday cakes and baseball games have in common?

They both need batters.
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.

I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” — Steven Wright
“You can tell 50’s old cause your friends don’t even celebrate your birthday when you tell them how old you’re turning, right?” — Sean Kent (via YouTube)
“Black ‘Happy Birthday’ is so good, I listen to it in my car alone.

That is how hard that song goes.

They know how to spice it up.

Do you know how White people spice up ‘Happy Birthday?’

We say Cha Cha Cha.” — Lou Misiano (via YouTube)
How do you throw a party in space?

You planet!
“When you hear the song ‘Happy Birthday,’ all you’re thinking is,

‘Hey! I’m gonna get some free cake.’

During the song, you’re just wondering what kind it is.” — Jim Gaffigan
“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.

It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” ― Jerry Seinfeld (via Sirius XM)
Don’t forget to wear your birthday suit.

But make sure you check it for wrinkles first!
Why did the football player get upset on her birthday?

Someone gave her a red card!
"Everyone singing Happy Birthday, lovely.

No one singing Happy Birthday, bad.

One person singing Happy Birthday, worse.” — Jimmy Carr
How come you didn’t get me a birthday present?

You said I should surprise you.
Why did the birthday boy smash his cake with a hammer?

Because it was a pound cake.
“Greeting cards would make sense if there was something profound written in there.

But it’s always like ‘Happy Birthday.’

… Couldn’t think of that yourself?” — Jim Gaffigan
What type of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?

Angel food cake.
What will happen if you invite a thief to your birthday party?

They will take the cake!
“My youngest she had her third birthday today, and I realized I spent a lot of money.

I realized that she’s three. My first childhood memory, I was five.

That means I’m not getting credit for nothing I did today.” — David Arnold
Why do all of my relatives keep reminding me how old I am on my birthday?

Because age is a relative thing
Did you hear about the study that found that birthdays are good for your health?

It was shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
What’s the best thing to say to a cheese-lover on their birthday?

Hap-brie birthday!
At a certain age, birthday wishes stop being fun and start sounding like medical advice.

‘Hope you’re healthy, hydrated, and remember where you left your keys.'
“Kids love their birthdays.

But, you know at my age, I really hate my birthdays.

Because, at this point, a birthday to me is a day when I become a year older within a day.

I feel all pathetic and sad and the candles even have tears dripping down.

But everyone else so happy though!

(sings) ‘Happy Birthday to you,

You have one year less to live

Your life is going downhill

And we’ll forget about you tomorrow!’” — Joe Wong
What do you get a hunter as a birthday present?

A birthday pheasant.
“Recently, I was invited to a surprise birthday party.

It was a surprise birthday party for a dog!

To be fair, the dog was surprised — didn’t suspect a thing.

Dog didn’t know it was his birthday.

Dog didn’t know it had a birthday.

The dog wasn’t sure why people were in the apartment.” — ​​Jim Gaffigan
Why did the birthday cake cry?

It was in tiers!
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.” ― Joan Rivers (via BBC)
Turning 18 is wild.

You go from “ask my parents” to “figure out my taxes” all in one birthday.
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why don’t adults put candles on their cake to match their age?

Because you need a permit to have a bonfire.
“The holidays, it all just started as one guy’s birthday.

It was just one guy’s birthday, and it turned into a whole season.” — Jim Gaffigan
“If you say, ‘I have a birthday week!’

You have a problem.

If a person out loud says, ‘It’s my birthday week,’

that information should be taken to the government,

and then in the mail you should be given a red flag

and it just says, ‘this is you’” — Eddie Della Siepe