‘Benign neglect’ parenting is having a moment, but experts remain unsure

A parenting trend with a troubling name has divided child care experts over whether it is better than it sounds.

Benign neglect, also known as free-range parenting, offers an alternative to the “helicopter” approach of closely monitoring children using rigid structures and the “gentle” approach of constantly engaging with children’s feelings. It encourages parents to give children space to be alone and solve problems for themselves.

A slew of parenting articles and social media influencers have promoted the idea since the COVID-19 pandemic emergency.

“There is growing evidence that parenting norms are shifting away from intensive, highly structured approaches,” said family psychologist Vince Callahan, founder of the Florida Institute of Neural Discovery. “It represents a cultural correction rather than a completely new phenomenon.”

Physicians and therapists interviewed by The Washington Times framed the trend as a revival of the 1980s ideal of “latchkey kids,” who learned mental toughness by facing conflicts alone with supportive adults available when needed.

“It is not a move toward true neglect but a response to the increasingly common belief that good parenting requires constant intervention,” said Dr. Isha Mannering, a Dallas pediatrician and parenting expert.

She praised the trend as the “intentional noninterference” of parents who choose not to fix minor problems for their children, rather than caregivers ignoring dangerous situations.

“The surge in interest around benign neglect makes complete clinical sense when you understand what it’s pushing back against,” said Kelly Gonderman, a California psychologist specializing in trauma.

Advertisement Advertisement

“The constant monitoring, the rapid intervention, the removal of any meaningful friction from a child’s experience has created a generation of young people who struggle significantly with frustration tolerance, independent problem-solving and the basic capacity to sit with discomfort,” Ms. Gonderman said.

Others warned that the word “neglect” could reinforce the bad habits of checked-out parents and hurt children just as much as so-called helicopter parenting.

“Many parents are tired. Others are leaning into selfishness,” said Sheri Langston, director of Rocky Mountain Therapy Group in Colorado. “Others are simply trying to find the right balance of what works and what they may be comfortable with.”

Advocates of benign neglect point to studies from psychologists such as Jean Twenge and Jonathan Haidt as evidence that overprotective parents have pushed children toward digital addiction instead of human interaction.

A 2022 systematic review of helicopter parenting studies in the journal Frontiers in Psychology linked “overprotective and controlling parenting” to increased risks of anxiety and depression.

Advertisement Advertisement

The review of 38 studies said children of overprotective parents can get the unspoken message “that they are incapable of overcoming their own struggles and in need of constant protection from the dangers of the world.”

By contrast, a 2023 Psychology Today article praised actress Jennifer Garner’s self-described “benign neglect” parenting as a “good-enough” way of supporting healthy self-exploration.

“I want to be around. But I also think it’s OK if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect,” Ms. Garner said in a November 2023 interview on NBC’s “Today” that went viral.

“Their lives are their own,” she said. “I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”

Advertisement Advertisement

A 2024 article at Parents.com argued that “neglect” is not the same as “negligence.”

Rachael Culpepper, executive director of American Heritage Girls, a Christian scouting organization, said she prefers the phrase “intentional space.”

She endorsed the trend in her group as an ideal of “trusted adults stepping back at the right moments so girls can build judgment, confidence, and perseverance through real experience.”

“We see resilience take root when girls are given the chance to stretch, stumble, and rise again,” Ms. Culpepper said. “Growth doesn’t come from removing every obstacle but from walking alongside girls as they learn to navigate challenges for themselves.”

Advertisement Advertisement

Future trends

Whether benign neglect is a fad or the start of a long-term change in American parenting is unclear.

“I have not seen much evidence of this trend yet,” said Thomas Plante, a Santa Clara University psychology professor and member of the American Psychological Association. “Overall, I see parents who have high expectations for their children and tend to protect them as long as they possibly can.”

Avigail Lev, a San Francisco behavioral psychologist, noted that older parents err on the side of micromanaging their children’s pain, despite it being developmentally appropriate to leave them be at times.

Advertisement Advertisement

“Most of the parents and couples I work with are still leaning more toward a gentle approach than this one,” Ms. Lev said. “It is very difficult for parents to tolerate their child’s distress without trying to stop it immediately.”

Others said “benign neglect” could become a way of rationalizing the bad choices of caregivers.

In Pennsylvania, two parents face misdemeanor child endangerment charges this month for not watching when their toddler was bitten by a wolf after wandering into its enclosure at Hersheypark.

In Florida, police last week arrested a woman on child neglect charges after she lost track of a 7-year-old she was watching for a family friend. Police found the swimsuit-clad child wandering the rainy streets of San Carlos Park, alone and hungry.

Natalie Bunner, a pediatric mental health therapist in Lafayette, Louisiana, predicted that most parents would understand benign parenting to mean: “Figure it out, kid.”

“I believe this trend, without purpose, will be detrimental to the overall health of children,” Ms. Bunner said. “It just isn’t an effective perspective.”

She noted that Nixon administration adviser Daniel Patrick Moynihan coined the term “benign neglect” in the 1970s, making it a curious term to revive in parenting circles.

Moynihan used the term in a memo urging a “do-nothing” approach to desegregation, suggesting that reduced federal pressure would cool racial tensions.

“Benign neglect parenting, like helicopter parenting, benefits the parent primarily,” Ms. Bunner said. “Whether it is to assuage their anxieties around taking care of their kids or step away from the responsibilities, both styles seek to meet the parent’s needs vicariously through the child’s experiences.”

• Sean Salai can be reached at ssalai@washingtontimes.com.