It's hard to miss the Royal Telegraph, which lies on Traffic Street near London Road(Image: Derby Telegraph)

This Derby pub made three grave mistakes during my visit

21 Dec 2025, 04:00 by Oscar Fisher · Derbyshire Live

Writing negative reviews about pubs is never my intention, but I wouldn't be doing my job properly if I described my recent visit as anything but a failure.

I've passed the Royal Telegraph on Derby's inner ring road countless times, often drawn to the eye-catching building, which stands alone and far away from the next nearest boozer.

So you'd think the lack of competition in the immediate vicinity would work in its favour, but apparently not.

As you enter, the sheer size of the Marston's pub is hard to miss, exaggerated by the lack of people inside - but you can't really slam a pub solely because it has a lack of customers. That's something I've always seen as unfair.

A crescent-shaped bar lined with plenty of taps lies at the centre of it all, which, despite offering some variety, seems to fall short in terms of quality.

On offer was Staropramen, Carling, Inch's, Strongbow, Carlsberg, Guinness and Marston's Smooth, but much like my visit to the Shakespeare last week, there were no hand-pulled ales ready to go.

Bearing in mind it was a Tuesday afternoon, one of the signs had been turned around on one of the pumps, indicating that it had recently run out, but the other had no label at all.

And if I'm honest, the aforementioned selection of beer is sub-par for me, with Staropramen the only real contender - but that's only my opinion. I'm sure some would be more than happy with it.

But the first of three grave mistakes was made when I ordered my £5.15 Staropramen - which isn't a bad price at all for a "premium" lager.

Despite just a few customers inside at the time - who had left by the time I'd sat down - for whatever reason, they had no Staropramen glasses.

So instead it came in a Beavertown glass - so we can add that to the list of pints available. Although I didn't notice it at the time.

While it obviously doesn't change the taste of the beer, it's an unwritten rule that you cannot serve whatever beer in whatever glass, unless you're at near-full capacity and simply don't have the correct glass to hand - otherwise, what's the point in branded glasses at all?

I perched myself on a wobbly table near a TV, where I managed to watch a few legs of the World Darts Championship, and noticed a pool table at one corner of the pub, and a dart board nearby - so I imagine the pub becomes a bit of a lads' destination on weekends, particularly match days.

I then popped my head out into the beer garden, which was pretty impressive. There was plenty of room for activity, a nice Pride Park mural on the wall and some heat lamps - arguably the most prized feature I noticed during the visit.

I finished my beer and had to spend a penny before heading off. I was well under the impression that the pub wasn't grossly offensive, but merely average, which is fine.

But then I encountered the second grave mistake, which came in the form of deplorable toilet conditions.

It was clear that some sort of revamp was taking place, almost as if the "builder" redesigning it had dropped his tools and gone for lunch just minutes before I arrived.

But that's fine, I don't need some glistening palace for a quick wee, but I do expect basic cleanliness, and the toilets were anything but that.

The cubicle stank. It absolutely reeked. Not of what you'd think, but of sick - and the evidence was still there.

Dried chunder lingered on the toilet bowl, empty tissue wrappers and a fag packet were on the shelf behind, and other litter like crisp packets and wrappers adorned the sink area.

If I find this in a nightclub at 2am on a Saturday, fair enough. But dried sick at 2pm on a Tuesday? I find it hard to think that all that damage was done in the three hours it had been open.

Instead, it points a finger towards poor cleaning rituals from those in charge.

Of course, there could've been a nasty bunch at the pub earlier that day, but I find it unlikely - and if I were running the pub, I'd be putting something on Facebook begging for it to never happen again.

And that brings me to the final deadly sin, which came as I walked out the door.

I'm a chatty person, and I wasn't really getting much of a homely vibe from the moment I walked in.

If you see a lone drinker come into the pub when no one is around, I'd suggest having a chat, asking about their day, essentially doing anything that might prompt them to visit again.

So when I shouted "Thank you, see you soon" on my way out, it was worrying when I didn't get a response. It's just rude, and I don't think I could ignore someone like that if I tried.

But the pub isn't a lost cause. It still has potential - and one of the biggest breweries in the game is pulling the strings.

Pool, darts, Sky Sports and a prominent position between Derby railway station and the bus station - it's a dream for some publicans.

But if you're not a fussy drinker, enjoy a nice beer garden and a few games of pool, there's no reason you wouldn't enjoy the Royal Telegraph - and I'm sure the toilets won't always be like that. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and call it an "off day" for them.

I hope they turn things around. This pub could be something special if it was done right - but it needs more than just a few licks of paint and some new beer glasses.

The Royal Telegraph was my 11th stop on my quest to review every pub in Derby city centre, following the likes of the Neptune, the Exeter Arms, the Smithfield and the Old Silk Mill. You can see an overview of my journey so far below:

Previous visits on my quest to review every pub in the city centre:

The Exeter Arms: "What I thought at first might be an old-timer's boozer was anything but that, despite retaining the old-timer's charm"
Ryan's Bar: "This is a pub that seems to attract a specific crowd: fun-lovers who like a cheap beer, a few frames of pool and maybe stake a few quid on the fruity"
Ye Olde Dolphin Inne: "A place where you'd happily spend a few hours with mates in a casual setting, not just a rickety old pub that hasn't kept up with the times - a credit to the city"
Noah's Ark: "If you're a person who likes a simple beer in a comfy environment in the city centre, no questions asked, then there's every reason to pop into Noah's Ark when you can."
The Neptune: "No place for beer snobs on a wild journey to find some obscure IPA, but rather a place to gather with some old mates, get a few reasonably-priced beers and enjoy a long evening."
The Babington Arms: "For those looking for an afternoon day-drinking or a night out, I'd recommend staying for one or two pints and getting yourself somewhere else, maybe supporting a local publican rather than a big chain."
The Royal Standard: "The perfect place to take someone if you wanted to boast about why Derby is so great - broad range of beers for normies and fanatics alike."
The Old Silk Mill: "No TVs, no dart board, no pool and no gambling machine, so you could expect any enjoyers of the above to go elsewhere - maybe a positive for those who don't like mixing their leisure with their booze."
The Smithfield: "Real ale paradise in a proper old setting. Also offers riverside views - an absolute must-visit."