A Fully Shaved Stephen Colbert Won Late Night This Week

First and foremost, let’s bestow hella flowers on our dearest pal Guillermo for being the personality hire on Dancing With the Stars. Despite having near-record-low scores, the people mandated that he live to dance another day. Not even a tremendously good TikTok from Whitney Leavitt could save her husband from elimination when facing the late-night-TV-enjoying population. And they say the monoculture is dead.

Second, we need to shout out the music booker for The Tonight Show. The Angine de Poitrine set was phenomenal and hopefully kept a lot of eyes on NBC post-Emmys. With Guillermo and our polka-dotted friends, we see the one-two punch of late night: having something silly and fun that everyone can get onboard for while also turning people on to the new hotness. Here’s where the heat was this week in late night.

5. 
The Return of Have I Got News for You

Welcome back, HIGNFY! Everyone was in a real groove during the season premiere, especially when the entire panel got jingoistic about the moon. Jon Lovett kicked it off by giving Trump his due credit for correctly identifying the moon as American. It’s a joke … but is it? The one good thing — perhaps the one thing, good or bad — about Americans is that we will claim an arbitrary point in a fight and defend it to the death. The moon is America’s, hot dogs are sandwiches, aluminum has only one I. Even libs can respect the random moments of idiotic patriotism that surge through every American when we think someone is trying to steal Our Moon. Our flag is up there — do something about it!

4. 
Spider-Men Process Spider-Trauma on WWHL

Once again, Watch What Happens Live really emphasizes the “live” part. The Uprising stars Andrew Garfield and Jamie Bell processed the fact that they competed for the role of Spider-Man in the mid-2000s during the commercial break on Monday night. Then an audience member made them do it in front of the camera, because Bravo is all about processing shit on-camera. But what made the whole affair top-five worthy was the completely unexpected interjection from that night’s bartender — who was, inexplicably, Comedian You Should Know Class of 2023’s Zach Zucker. A random trying to insert himself needlessly with a joke that 60 percent lands? That’s live TV, baby.

3. 
A Beastly Story on The Daily Show

I feel so bad for every current-events show that’s not on the air this week. Whether it’s Late Night With Seth Meyers (back next week), The Late Show (defunct), or Taylor Frankie Paul’s season of The Bachelorette (release the tapes), anyone who didn’t get to clown on Kash Patel for technically being pro-bestiality has to be kicking themselves. The Daily Show made the most and best hay from the moment. Not only did it use Josh Johnson’s reactions to its best effect, it got a lot of bestiality puns out of Jordan Klepper to boot. When life gives you John Kennedy speaking at length about whether we should draft animal victims of bestiality into the FBI, make lemonade.

2. 
Jay Jurden Turns the Roots Gay

A classic stand-up spot on The Tonight Show will always be a moment. In this case, it was a moment when Jay Jurden declared everyone at 30 Rock gay. From the Top of the Rock to the Roots, everyone is at least gayer than their grandparents. Jurden’s set was fun, it was pointed, and it was clearly honed in rooms way rowdier than Studio 6B. Jurden commanded the audience like a wizard — specifically the one in Fantasia who can cause big surges or water (or applause) at a gesture. It was very special to see him conduct the audience like Lydia Tár.

1. 
Officer Speedwork Is a Nepo Baby

I was hesitant to rank something capital-I Important on Jimmy Kimmel Live! at the top of this list two weeks in a row, but then Stephen Colbert let his son do his New Zealand accent, and it crushed. If there was a problem with Colbert’s post-Emmys appearance on Kimmel, it was that it was overstuffed. Colbert gifted Kimmel his Captain America shield, did a sketch-within-an-interview with his son impersonating a Kiwi police officer, and shaved for our amusement. Not just amusement — I know that worked sexually for someone out there in TV land. He truly pulled out all the stops. I just fear he has nowhere left to go once he needs to promote his Lord of the Rings midquel. Save something for next time, guy.