There Is No Such Thing as a Soulmate

The idea of the perfect soulmate is nonsense, and it might be holding you back.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• There is a pervasive belief that each of us is destined for a perfect match.
• But this idea is toxic: Unrealistic expectations destroy relationships.
• Healthy relationships are built on embracing imperfection, compromise, and shared goals.

From the age-old notion of “the one” in endless pop songs to the sweeping, cinematic depictions of true love in classic films like The English Patient, Ghost, and The Notebook, there is a pervasive belief that each of us is destined for a perfect match.

But this idea is nonsense. It’s holding you back.

The concept of a soulmate—a person who is uniquely destined to complement our every flaw, thought, and need—feels good, but it lacks the complexity and nuance of real human relationships. You’re better off ditching it and immersing yourself in the wonderful everyday of normal relationships.

The myth of perfection

One of the most pervasive aspects of the soulmate narrative is the idea that there is only one person out there who is perfectly suited for you—emotionally, intellectually, and physically. They’ll make up for everything your parents got wrong; you’ll be able to share everything with them; they’ll understand and love all the darker and complex sides of your personality. You’ll have limitless, great sex.

It’s nonsense. Human relationships are dynamic, ever-changing, and influenced by countless factors like personal growth, communication, shared experiences, and external pressures like children and careers. If you believe there’s only one "right" person for you, you will overlook the fact that many, many people could make great partners.

The idea of "the one" provides false emotional comfort and a sense of security and is based on a crazy idea of predetermined cosmic alignment. Couples talk about the universe and fate bringing them together. It was “meant to be.” No, it wasn’t. People don’t meet because the universe intervenes. They meet because they are in the right place at the right time—at work, at university, at the bar. Relationships aren’t about finding one “perfect” match, but about building mutual understanding, respect, and shared goals.

Unrealistic expectations destroy relationships

No relationship is without its challenges, and the notion of a perfect match creates unrealistic expectations. If you believe that your partner should fulfill all of your needs and desires, you’ll become frustrated when they inevitably fall short. You’ll be left with a nagging feeling that you’ve settled for something not good enough, even when you’re with a perfectly lovely partner.

Partners who have unrealistic expectations of each other are more likely to experience dissatisfaction and relationship breakdowns. The idea that someone is going to understand everything about you without you needing to communicate is a disaster. Real love and partnership require work, compromise, and a willingness to grow together.

Rather than searching for someone who ticks every box, it’s healthier to look for a partner who complements your values and goals, and who is willing to navigate life’s ups and downs with you.

Relationships are best viewed as partnerships based on shared responsibilities, family bonds, and mutual respect—a cultivated connection rather than a mystical alignment. Dating apps might even help in that respect, by using algorithms that suggest multiple matches based on factors such as interests, location, and personality traits.

This shift in how we approach love is also supported by research. One study showed that people who approach love with a “growth mindset”—viewing love as something that develops and evolves over time—are more likely to have stable and lasting relationships than those who believe in a “fixed mindset” of finding a soulmate.

Imperfect growth is better than static bliss

Another argument against the existence of a soulmate is that we, as individuals, are constantly evolving. Our desires, goals, and even personalities shift throughout our lives. This means that any relationship based on the idea of a static, perfect match is inherently flawed. In reality, the best relationships are those where both individuals are free to grow, individually and together, and where each partner supports the other's growth.

The most successful relationships are those where both partners continue to develop—and where they find ways to adapt and thrive together despite their changes.

What are you waiting for?

The idea of a soulmate also removes choice and control from relationships. If you believe in a predestined soulmate, you might end up “waiting” for someone to come into your life. Don’t make that mistake. You find someone by putting in the effort: by going out with your friends; hitting the gym; approaching someone at the bar; taking the conversation from the comfort of Bumble to the reality of the first date. The universe isn’t going to help. You have to work to get it and embrace the likelihood of rejection along the way.

Relationships are built on conscious choice and effort. We choose to commit, we choose to communicate, and we choose to compromise. No one is destined to be your perfect match. The most successful relationships are those where both individuals choose to invest in one another, build trust, and grow together.

What to do instead

Instead of chasing an elusive and often destructive ideal of perfection, learn to embrace love as a beautiful, messy ongoing process. Real love is built through mutual respect, and shared values. It involves loving the imperfect person in front of you and having your imperfect bits loved in return. The journey can be wonderful, as you shape your relationship through choices, efforts, and willingness to grow.

When you let go of the idea of a soulmate, you will open yourself up to deeper, more authentic relationships—ones that are grounded in reality, not fantasy.